TGIF

I went for my U/S this morning -- the 7th one in less than three weeks -- and blood work. I have two follicles over 20mm, the rest are still pretty small, in the 12-14mm range.

Because I go locally for the U/S and the information gets faxed to Syracuse to the Fertility Guru, they in FG's office are not actually seeing the U/S pictures, just the measurements. I usually hear from the FG's office in the afternoon, but I was barely at my desk this morning when my phone rang.

They are concerned with the lack of growth, and according to my blood work and my hormone levels, the follicles should be much bigger. "Can you come to Syracuse tomorrow so we can see for ourselves what's going on?"

So I get to skip foster care class and drive up to Syracuse for a 9:15 appointment. I have no idea what this means, if they will be scrapping this month or we'll continue with shots and wait for more growth or they'll go in for the two that are mature. Who knows? I've given up trying to guess on what I know from past cycles. We've already determined that this month is nothing like any other cycle.

Black and blue

Tomorrow night will be two weeks since I started this round of shots -- three sticks a night, including the new medicine which stings like a mother fucker. And the needle, even though it's only subcutaneous, is longer than the others. And I usually end up bleeding a little with that stick. And what that means is this...

This week the follicle are continuing to grow, but they're taking their own sweet time. I thought for sure today (and thought the same thing on Monday) that this would be it, it would be time to start preparing for the retrieval. This morning, I had two that were 20mm (that's the magic number) but they want to give the others more time to grow since they are only in the 12 to 14mm range. So two more nights of injections, and more blood work (my arm is bruised, as well) and another ultrasound on Friday.

Maybe retrieval on Monday or Tuesday?

My Last Day at 38

Happy birthday (almost) to me. I like to think of my birthday as my New Year's. It's a time to be reflective, it's a time to think about the last year, and a time to think about the coming year and all I want to accomplish.

Same as last year -- I've spent the past year focusing on trying to get pregnant. And same as last year -- I will spend the next year focusing on much of the same. Although the difference is, by the time my 40th birthday rolls around, I will know one way or another....I will have a baby of my own, or I will be working on adopting.

And by the time my 40th birthday rolls around (unless I've just given birth in the past few months), I want to be back in my skinny clothes. I want to get rid of this pudgy stomach and muffin top. I want to look the way I used to in a pair of jeans.

And I hope that by the time my 40th birthday rolls around, I will be happy turning 40, that I will accept 40 with grace, honor and happiness.

Having accomplished at least one of the goals above will go a long way in helping me meet 40 with these virtues.

And we keep going....

I had an ultrasound this morning. The missing follicles are still missing -- either the egg released (that's U/S tech's best guess) or it just disintegrated or got smaller (my guess) -- but there are seven total. Most are in the 10-11mm range.

The tech pissed me off, because even after telling me that she was sure the eggs must have released and I told her my blood levels were nowhere near ovulatory, she said, well, I don't know that they're going to tell you, probably will have you scrap this month.

So that was my mood all morning. Worrying about another month going by, wondering why my body isn't responding to the meds the way it has in the past, and especially since I'm on more than usual. And then the doctor's office called me why I was in "stitch and bitch" (a group of ladies brings their knitting and I bring my quilting, and we stitch and bitch during lunch on Fridays) to tell me to keep going with the same doses and go back in on Monday for another follicle check.

So we're still going. I'm bloated as all hell, but I keep telling myself it will be worth it. It's good practice to look four months pregnant even when I'm not, right?

The Yankees are on at 4:10 today, so my goal for the gym while I watch the game is four miles in under 50 minutes.

Missing Follicles

I went this morning for a follicle check, and where there were two big ones on Monday, they were missing today. Or smaller. I didn't exactly get the full story, mostly because everyone was perplexed, and apparently had never seen anything like this.

My blood work indicates that I did not ovulate, so I don't have to worry about that, but it is still weird that they aren't there any more. The doctor's office told me to continue with my shots (my stomach looks like a pin cushion, with lots of little red dots where the injections have gone in) and another follicle check on Friday, and we'll see where we are then.

I'm trying not to stress about it, but it's hard. Just once, just once, I would like this to all go routine. I ended up calling my friend April at the end of the day, because I knew she would understand what I'm feeling without me even having to put it into words. She's going through a similar thing and it's just good to hear her voice sometimes.

I also had my home study with DSS tonight. I'm guessing I passed, but she warned me that she wanted me to be realistic and know that the likelihood of being able to adopt a baby (0-2 years) through the system were slim. I know that, but I can't ignore this as an option.

Happy Opening Day!

Life begins on opening day. I'm a little nostalgic for Baltimore today. And I would have been there if I didn't have a doctor's appointment this morning. Baby making takes precedence, even over the Yankees.

I had a follicle check and they were huge after only four days on the meds. I guess that second stimulant has been working. I had six follicles all together -- two in the low teens (in mm) and the rest between 5 and 10mm (18-20 is mature). So I'm just about halfway there.

I'll continue on my same dosage and go again on Wednesday for more blood work and another ultrasound. At this rate, I could have retrieval at the end of the week or on my birthday next Monday.

I'll take it as a good sign.

Foster Care Class, Revisited

I finished week 5 of 11 this morning. It seems to be getting easier. Last week, I stayed after class and spoke with the social workers, sharing my feelings about not having sympathy for the birth parents. They didn't seem to mind, especially given that I want to adopt and won't have to work in partnership with the parents on reunifying the family.

So having had that conversation, going into class this morning was much easier. I even opened up to the class about it when it was appropriate in the conversation. My voice quivered, my eyes watered, but everyone seemed really supportive.

Some people have dropped out and I like the core group of people that we have left. My favorites -- Jason and Jason, a gay couple who are looking to do foster care but eventually want to adopt; Terry and Jennifer, another gay couple, who after my disclosure about my infertility struggles, shared that they had been trying to get pregnant as well and want to adopt; and Rebecca and Mark, a middle-aged couple with teenagers, who seem like they would be the "cool" parents.

I feel a new freedom about it, not worrying about the feelings I have towards the birth parents, worrying that this is a waste of everyone's time for me to be there, worrying about this and that. Today, I didn't worry, and I was back to myself, back to making comments and sharing, joining in, even volunteering for one of the activities.

And even if I don't need to have my baby this way -- the hormones have already bloated me up to a four-months-pregnant belly...I'll take it, it means they are working -- I'm learning good parenting skills, I being exposed to lots of things that I might not otherwise be exposed to, and learning is always a good thing.