Six Times and Plan B

I go in tomorrow for a follicle check. I can feel the pressure in my lower abdomen, so I know they're growing. Hopefully they've grown enough and the ultrasound will be good tomorrow.

If that's the case, I will go in Wednesday for my sixth IUI. I changed the baby daddy again. This will be my third different one. I used baby daddy 1 for the first two attempts, and they suggested I switch because maybe there was an incompatibility. He was the music student at Berkeley in Boston.

Then for attempts 3, 4 and 5, I used the marketing professor at Johnson and Wales. Before attempt 5, I was looking through the donor registry and noticed a new person on there. I liked his profile and held on to his donor number, but stayed with baby daddy 2 for my attempt in March.

And so for this one, I'm going with the criminal justice major at Northeastern, the one who wrote in the "statement to recipient": Tomorrow could be the greatest day of your life.

I've been tossing it around in my head, what I will do if this attempt doesn't work. Part of the time, I want to give up. I want to get my body back to a size 12 and be done with the hormones, the being tired, the spare tire around my waist. And then part of me isn't ready to give up on maternity clothes, and feeling my baby kick. So I'll keep going, and if that means IVF and giving myself daily shots, then that's what it is.

But what I don't want to happen is that I've been trying for a year, and then I'm suddenly 39 and I've got nothing, so I've pulled out the adoption paperwork. I've gone through it, I've talked to my friend's sister who works in the adoption field, and next Saturday, I'm going to Rochester to a conference on international adoption. I can start that process while I'm trying this way. And hopefully it won't come to that, but it may. And in the end, that will be okay, I think.

A Yankee in Red Sox Nation

I turned 38 on Sunday -- most of my friends forgot. I'm starting to not like birthdays anymore.

I had an ultrasound on Sunday morning -- the cyst got smaller, so today is day 3 of the Clomid. I go in next Tuesday for a follicle check and then Wednesday for the insemination, if everything looks good on Tuesday.

I'm off to Boston for two days for work. Driving up today, back tomorrow.

Time Heals All Wounds

Or so they say. And I have to admit, they're kind of right. I'm back on the horse. I went to the doctor this morning for an ultrasound. I have two cysts, one is small enough to not worry about; the other is just 20cm. Anything over 20cm, and they have me rest that month.

I don't know if they normally do this, or it's because I'm such an emotional wreck the months they have me rest, but they're having me go back on Sunday, which would be day 5 of my cycle and see if the cyst has regressed any. Even 1cm and I would be allowed to try again this month.

So, on my 38th birthday, I will get my second ultrasound in five days, to find out if my little womb can try again this month.

Again

As I suspected, I'm not pregnant. It's getting harder, not easier, to do this each month. And I'm so torn about what to do. And so I went to the gym last night, and then went home and did what I do best. I made a spreadsheet.

I think I've decided that while I'm figuring out the best international program for me, I will try one more time. That way, I'm moving toward the goal down two different paths.

The adoption thing is tough. I feel like I'm shopping for a car. I have parameters about price, and how many trips and the length of those trips the government requires, and how long it takes to be matched with a baby -- and it feels tacky, like I'm looking at whether I want heated seats or a sun roof.

It shouldn't be this hard. But then again, maybe it should.

Not Long Now

I go for my blood test tomorrow. Unlike any other month, I'm not scared. Usually when I get to this point, I suddenly get scared. But this month, today, I'm not. Maybe it's because I have been pretty good at having a "whatever" attitude this month, or maybe because I'm resigned to the fact that this might be my last attempt.

I've decided that this is taking too much of a toll on me -- physically and emotionally. I have the adoption paperwork on my dining room table, and tonight, I'm going to make piles and read through things more thoroughly than I did when I received it all.

And maybe, just maybe, I can get back my -- while certainly not skinny -- my fit body back.

I Shouldn't Have

PS.....I took a pregnancy test when I got home tonight. It came out negative. And while the doctor told me that a urine test would be inaccurate, I think it's more that I could get a false positive. I don't think I could get a false negative.

I think I did it, because I wanted to prepare myself for the negative tomorrow, especially since I will be at work when I get the call.

sigh...it could be a long night and morning, until I get the call.

If it's even possible...

...."the girls" feel like they are getting bigger. (And that's saying a lot as they are 36DD.)

Am I imagining it, hopeful for any sign of a positive pregnancy test? Quite possibly. It stinks that PMS symptoms and pregnancy symptoms are pretty similar.

I've got five days to go. If I'm not, and it goes like last month, I will get my period on Saturday night. If I'm not, and it goes like two months ago, I won't get my period until after I stop taking the progesterone.

I go for my blood test on Monday, and will find out at work.