I went up to Syracuse yesterday for my belly massage and a facial. First, I stopped next door to the FG's office to drop off all of the meds that I won't ever need again. All in all about $20,000 worth.
I asked Pati if she'd heard from the other recipient, and she said she was going to call her that afternoon and tell her that she needed an answer before Christmas.
"But what if she says no?"
Pati gave me a hug and said, "we're still moving forward. We'll figure it out. Go enjoy your afternoon."
And so I went and got my internal organs massaged (no, really, that's what happens). And when I was waiting for the facial, one of the girls who works there came in and said Pati was on her way over to talk to me.
She came with a packet of paperwork for me to fill out. The other recipient is not ready to move forward, so Ginger is all mine. For the price of doing a split cycle. I hugged her again. "Merry Christmas, you've been through enough. And think about how many embryos you're going to have!"
Holy shit, that's right. Ginger's previous donation cycles have produced 9 and 14 embryos.
I tried my best to just enjoy and relax during my facial, and I pretty much did. I called Hope when I left and talked to gave her the update. Then I called Jill, who kept saying she was so happy she couldn't stop smiling. This is the way it's supposed to be. Everything that has happened to this point was supposed to.
I pulled out a Christmas CD that I had made last year, but haven't listened to yet this year. I knew that it started with lots of instrumental church music (a good 2 minutes worth) before my favorite Christmas hymn would begin. And as soon as Amy Grant started singing "Angels We Have Heard on High," I started to cry.
It's really going to happen. A year ago today, I got pregnant. And I was so full of hope last year for Christmas. This year? So hopeful that this is going to work. I ran over to church between errands this morning to say thank you.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Strength and Peace
Please give my "sister recipient" the strength to make a decision she will be at peace with and my the strength to accept her decision, no matter what.
That was what I prayed for tonight at church, one day after hearing the FG's office that the other woman I will be splitting the donor eggs with is on the fence, and not sure she's ready to move forward.
I was pissed when I heard it yesterday. I didn't, and still don't, understand after all we've been through, not taking that next step, not wanting to move forward. I know I should, I know that it could be me, but I don't and it's not.
And so, again, I just have to be patient.
That was what I prayed for tonight at church, one day after hearing the FG's office that the other woman I will be splitting the donor eggs with is on the fence, and not sure she's ready to move forward.
I was pissed when I heard it yesterday. I didn't, and still don't, understand after all we've been through, not taking that next step, not wanting to move forward. I know I should, I know that it could be me, but I don't and it's not.
And so, again, I just have to be patient.
Monday, November 30, 2009
The Year in Review: 2009 (part 3)
October 28 -- FG's office calls to say they found someone to share the egg donor with
October 31 -- start meds for mock cycle
November 20 -- U/S and blood work
November 24 -- fertility massage
November 27 -- U/S and blood work
October 31 -- start meds for mock cycle
November 20 -- U/S and blood work
November 24 -- fertility massage
November 27 -- U/S and blood work
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Triple Layer
I had a great Thanksgiving in Syracuse, complete with my family from Richmond. We did dinner on Wednesday, so that everyone could dinner with their in-laws on Thursday. I headed back to Ithaca for dinner at a friend's house.
As much as I was looking forward to seeing her, I would have been content in my pj's for the rest of the day. I really hate going places solo. I'm not a good single person. But as expected, once I got there, it was a great day with her brothers, father, step-mother, boyfriend and another single friend. I even went out to a bar after dinner with them for the first half of the Giants game.
I got up early on Friday to drive BACK to Syracuse for a doctor's appointment. The vaginal estrace is apparently a miracle worker. My lining was 12mm (the most it can be) and I had triple layers. Exactly what they want to see.
I may or may not get a period this month. My donor will start hers around December 10, and I'll go back in then for an ultrasound, and at that point, they will put me on more medicine to sync me up with her. She begins shooting up for a mock cycle and we are still on track for a January retrieval and transfer.
I'm excited, and at the same time, so reserved. It's so hard to gear myself up for all this again. So hard to not relive every little moment of disappointment when I had a negative blood test and then when there was no heart beat on my ultrasound. I wish I could just forget all of that, and go back to that place I was in in August 2007, when I thought that there was absolutely no way that I wouldn't get pregnant.
I know my chances of getting pregnant via the egg donor are miles better than any of my previous attempts, but still, I'm still hesitant to give myself over again, still gun shy of going through the pain again.
I hope that will change as I continue toward retrieval and transfer. I went to church tonight (for the first time in at least two months) and prayed for guidance. I may not ever know why I'm on this path, but life has to be more than this. I just hope that it is.
As much as I was looking forward to seeing her, I would have been content in my pj's for the rest of the day. I really hate going places solo. I'm not a good single person. But as expected, once I got there, it was a great day with her brothers, father, step-mother, boyfriend and another single friend. I even went out to a bar after dinner with them for the first half of the Giants game.
I got up early on Friday to drive BACK to Syracuse for a doctor's appointment. The vaginal estrace is apparently a miracle worker. My lining was 12mm (the most it can be) and I had triple layers. Exactly what they want to see.
I may or may not get a period this month. My donor will start hers around December 10, and I'll go back in then for an ultrasound, and at that point, they will put me on more medicine to sync me up with her. She begins shooting up for a mock cycle and we are still on track for a January retrieval and transfer.
I'm excited, and at the same time, so reserved. It's so hard to gear myself up for all this again. So hard to not relive every little moment of disappointment when I had a negative blood test and then when there was no heart beat on my ultrasound. I wish I could just forget all of that, and go back to that place I was in in August 2007, when I thought that there was absolutely no way that I wouldn't get pregnant.
I know my chances of getting pregnant via the egg donor are miles better than any of my previous attempts, but still, I'm still hesitant to give myself over again, still gun shy of going through the pain again.
I hope that will change as I continue toward retrieval and transfer. I went to church tonight (for the first time in at least two months) and prayed for guidance. I may not ever know why I'm on this path, but life has to be more than this. I just hope that it is.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Back on the Fertility Bandwagon
I had a lining check this morning. They like it to be about 7mm; mine was 5.8. So they've upped my estrace from three orally to three orally and two vaginally. I go back next week for another check.
I saw my favorite nurse today, who has twins with an egg donor. I told her if this works, then she'll have to help me figure out how to tell my kid. Her response? "I don't know what I'm going to tell my own kids yet."
I guess, I can figure it out when the time comes. No need to put the cart before the horse, or the where you came from talk before I'm actually knocked up.
I saw my favorite nurse today, who has twins with an egg donor. I told her if this works, then she'll have to help me figure out how to tell my kid. Her response? "I don't know what I'm going to tell my own kids yet."
I guess, I can figure it out when the time comes. No need to put the cart before the horse, or the where you came from talk before I'm actually knocked up.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Mock Cycle
And so it begins. Right after I got back from Vegas, I got a phone call from the FG's office. They found someone to share my egg donor with me. And here we go.
It's hard to get back into the mindset that this could really be happening again, hard to think about the hope and the possible disappointment. But, I have a few months before there there is that actual possibility.
November -- my mock cycle. I got my period last week and have been taking estrace three times a day to build up my lining. I'll go on Friday for an ultrasound (I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to leaving my house at o-dark-hundred and driving to Syracuse) and to see how things look. This will be my exam, to confirm that the environment (my uterus) is favorable.
December -- the donor's mock cycle. She'll begin shooting up, as I used to, to make her ovaries jiffy pop. They will monitor how long it takes for her follicles to reach maturity. And at the same time, me and the other barren woman will be on various meds so that our cycles are in sync -- with each other and the donor.
January -- show time! The donor will shoot up, and we'll be preparing our uteruses (uteri??) for the embryos. And so sometime after the first of the year, they'll do the egg retrieval with the donor, and a few days later, transfer embryos into us.
I love the idea of my baby having a potential half sibling out there. And I'm starting to get excited again, excited about the possibilities, excited about being pregnant. Just excited that I still have options.
It's hard to get back into the mindset that this could really be happening again, hard to think about the hope and the possible disappointment. But, I have a few months before there there is that actual possibility.
November -- my mock cycle. I got my period last week and have been taking estrace three times a day to build up my lining. I'll go on Friday for an ultrasound (I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to leaving my house at o-dark-hundred and driving to Syracuse) and to see how things look. This will be my exam, to confirm that the environment (my uterus) is favorable.
December -- the donor's mock cycle. She'll begin shooting up, as I used to, to make her ovaries jiffy pop. They will monitor how long it takes for her follicles to reach maturity. And at the same time, me and the other barren woman will be on various meds so that our cycles are in sync -- with each other and the donor.
January -- show time! The donor will shoot up, and we'll be preparing our uteruses (uteri??) for the embryos. And so sometime after the first of the year, they'll do the egg retrieval with the donor, and a few days later, transfer embryos into us.
I love the idea of my baby having a potential half sibling out there. And I'm starting to get excited again, excited about the possibilities, excited about being pregnant. Just excited that I still have options.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Painful Memories
I woke up in the middle of the night the other night, and like a movie, replayed my two pre-natal ultrasounds. I was laying there in the dark, eyes open. And I saw the heart beat, my baby's heart beat. And then the second one, when there was none.
I remembered going into work after that, in a trance, because I didn't know what else to do. And then the D&C a few days later, and the physical pain and bleeding for the next two weeks. And the emptiness.
I laid in bed, 2:30am, tears rolling down to the corner of my eye, over the bridge of my nose and across the other eye, where it met another tear.
I can go weeks without thinking about the fact that I was once pregnant, with nothing to show for it. And then suddenly, I remember, and it hits me so hard. I don't even think about how unfair it all is, just that it hurt.
I remembered going into work after that, in a trance, because I didn't know what else to do. And then the D&C a few days later, and the physical pain and bleeding for the next two weeks. And the emptiness.
I laid in bed, 2:30am, tears rolling down to the corner of my eye, over the bridge of my nose and across the other eye, where it met another tear.
I can go weeks without thinking about the fact that I was once pregnant, with nothing to show for it. And then suddenly, I remember, and it hits me so hard. I don't even think about how unfair it all is, just that it hurt.
Friday, September 25, 2009
And then there's today
I don't know why I thought that I could just go along with my decisions and have faith in them. I spoke with a women from the international agency that I will work with, and as always, nothing is ever settled.
Ethiopia, which would be my first choice and is the longest-running program, is a little unstable right now. They prefer single women, and last year, there was "talk" that they would close to single women. They didn't, but there is talk again this year. And some agencies have been asked by the Ethiopian government to close all applications from single women, although Wide Horizons (who I would use) hasn't.
WH is about to start pilot programs in Rwanda and Burundi, which means they've never gotten any children from these countries, so they have no idea what it's like to work with the governments, how long the wait is, how long the in-country stay would be. And it's an Africa thing, not just an Ethiopia thing, that they prefer married couples to single women -- though that is not to say that single women cannot adopt from there.
Is an orphanage really preferable to a single-parent home? Really? There are less than 10 countries in the world -- IN THE WORLD -- that allow single women to adopt. It shouldn't be this hard. It shouldn't be this hard for someone who loves children, who will give one or two a good home, raise them to be good people....it shouldn't be this hard to get one. And on the flip side it shouldn't be so easy for some people to have them. It will be my first question when I get to heaven.
And so I was feeling a little defeated today. Just when I thought I was moving in some sort of direction. I emailed the FG's office and asked where we were with finding me a partner for the egg donor.
She wrote back almost immediately: we have lots of recipients looking at donor's. I will let you now as soon as I have another recipient for your donor. I hope it won't be long!
So in other words, be patient lady.
I'm trying. Not only am I trying to be patient, but I'm trying to be hopeful.
Ethiopia, which would be my first choice and is the longest-running program, is a little unstable right now. They prefer single women, and last year, there was "talk" that they would close to single women. They didn't, but there is talk again this year. And some agencies have been asked by the Ethiopian government to close all applications from single women, although Wide Horizons (who I would use) hasn't.
WH is about to start pilot programs in Rwanda and Burundi, which means they've never gotten any children from these countries, so they have no idea what it's like to work with the governments, how long the wait is, how long the in-country stay would be. And it's an Africa thing, not just an Ethiopia thing, that they prefer married couples to single women -- though that is not to say that single women cannot adopt from there.
Is an orphanage really preferable to a single-parent home? Really? There are less than 10 countries in the world -- IN THE WORLD -- that allow single women to adopt. It shouldn't be this hard. It shouldn't be this hard for someone who loves children, who will give one or two a good home, raise them to be good people....it shouldn't be this hard to get one. And on the flip side it shouldn't be so easy for some people to have them. It will be my first question when I get to heaven.
And so I was feeling a little defeated today. Just when I thought I was moving in some sort of direction. I emailed the FG's office and asked where we were with finding me a partner for the egg donor.
She wrote back almost immediately: we have lots of recipients looking at donor's. I will let you now as soon as I have another recipient for your donor. I hope it won't be long!
So in other words, be patient lady.
I'm trying. Not only am I trying to be patient, but I'm trying to be hopeful.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Dual Track
So I thought I had made a decision. I would move forward with the egg donor, and pick up where I left off with the adoption. The next step -- the home study -- is $1600. I figured if I get pregnant, hooray and who cares if I'm out that money. But if I don't, then if I hadn't been doing anything, I would be that many more months behind. It felt like a good decision.
And then it didn't. And then it did. Round and round, I kept doubting myself and then thinking that it was the right decision. Why am I so insistent to be pregnant? Is it that important? Am I being selfish? Should I just move forward? The goal is to be a mother right? Not pregnant.
And so I called in the expert, and on Saturday I went to see Lucia. She helped me look at things clearly. First question from her -- where is this selfish talk coming from?
She made me see that being pregnant is an important part of the process, and one that I will have to grieve if I don't get pregnant. It's what a woman's body was meant to do, and wanting to carry a baby -- biologically mine or not -- is not something that is a selfish want. It's natural.
It all seemed clear. And so with no guarantees of how I'm going to get a baby, but still hope that I may be able to carry a baby, I continue to wait for the doctor's office to find another woman to share the egg donor with and I called my adoption contact and started the process. I sent her a check for $1600 yesterday and she'll be doing my home study in October.
I've been working out harder and harder at the gym, building up my stamina. I'm exhausted, and it's okay. Because when I'm at the gym -- and even lately when I'm sleeping -- I'm not thinking. I;m not thinking about the extra weight, I'm not thinking about the heart ache, not thinking about babies -- mine or anyone else, and I'm not thinking about making plans. Just sweating. And working. And making myself tired.
Everything else is out of my hands right now. There is nothing more I can do. I've got everything moving forward. And so I'll just keep sweating and exhausting myself. It makes life easier.
And then it didn't. And then it did. Round and round, I kept doubting myself and then thinking that it was the right decision. Why am I so insistent to be pregnant? Is it that important? Am I being selfish? Should I just move forward? The goal is to be a mother right? Not pregnant.
And so I called in the expert, and on Saturday I went to see Lucia. She helped me look at things clearly. First question from her -- where is this selfish talk coming from?
She made me see that being pregnant is an important part of the process, and one that I will have to grieve if I don't get pregnant. It's what a woman's body was meant to do, and wanting to carry a baby -- biologically mine or not -- is not something that is a selfish want. It's natural.
It all seemed clear. And so with no guarantees of how I'm going to get a baby, but still hope that I may be able to carry a baby, I continue to wait for the doctor's office to find another woman to share the egg donor with and I called my adoption contact and started the process. I sent her a check for $1600 yesterday and she'll be doing my home study in October.
I've been working out harder and harder at the gym, building up my stamina. I'm exhausted, and it's okay. Because when I'm at the gym -- and even lately when I'm sleeping -- I'm not thinking. I;m not thinking about the extra weight, I'm not thinking about the heart ache, not thinking about babies -- mine or anyone else, and I'm not thinking about making plans. Just sweating. And working. And making myself tired.
Everything else is out of my hands right now. There is nothing more I can do. I've got everything moving forward. And so I'll just keep sweating and exhausting myself. It makes life easier.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Being Tortured in My Dreams
I've been having bizarre dreams over the past few weeks, and it doesn't take a psychology major to figure them out.
In one, I was in Richmond, and my sister-in-law said to me, "you're not going to like this, but it's for your own good. Erica is bringing the baby over so you can see her."
"But I'm not ready yet. I don't want to."
"Too bad. They're here."
And when they got there, there was this beautiful little baby -- my great-niece -- and my niece gloating (it was like out of a bad sitcom) about how easy it was to get pregnant, how she didn't understand why I was so bad at it, what was I doing wrong, was my doctor competent. Awful.
The next one I had was about my sister and brother-in-law in San Diego. I was there, visiting them, and suddenly they had a baby. A four- or five-month old that was in foster care but was being given up for adoption. From Onondaga County (that's Syracuse). I kept saying, "why wouldn't anyone let me have him? I'm so close to Onondaga County, I can take that baby."
And then my sister, who is 50 and has never wanted to have her own children, says to me, "We're going to keep this baby. He's ours now. You get to be the aunt."
"But I'm always the aunt." And then everyone ignored me.
To make matters worse, the baby's name is Lincoln. Lincoln, regardless of what I go with for a first name, will be my son's middle name, as it was my grandmother's maiden name (the grandmother I was named after).
No one could understand why I was upset, why it seemed so unfair.
In one, I was in Richmond, and my sister-in-law said to me, "you're not going to like this, but it's for your own good. Erica is bringing the baby over so you can see her."
"But I'm not ready yet. I don't want to."
"Too bad. They're here."
And when they got there, there was this beautiful little baby -- my great-niece -- and my niece gloating (it was like out of a bad sitcom) about how easy it was to get pregnant, how she didn't understand why I was so bad at it, what was I doing wrong, was my doctor competent. Awful.
The next one I had was about my sister and brother-in-law in San Diego. I was there, visiting them, and suddenly they had a baby. A four- or five-month old that was in foster care but was being given up for adoption. From Onondaga County (that's Syracuse). I kept saying, "why wouldn't anyone let me have him? I'm so close to Onondaga County, I can take that baby."
And then my sister, who is 50 and has never wanted to have her own children, says to me, "We're going to keep this baby. He's ours now. You get to be the aunt."
"But I'm always the aunt." And then everyone ignored me.
To make matters worse, the baby's name is Lincoln. Lincoln, regardless of what I go with for a first name, will be my son's middle name, as it was my grandmother's maiden name (the grandmother I was named after).
No one could understand why I was upset, why it seemed so unfair.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
40 Weeks Ago Today
...it was the day before Christmas Eve, and it was the day I got pregnant. I had a facial and a massage this morning, to treat myself, knowing I would be cranky, sad, and feeling a little bit sorry for myself today.
A friend from work sent me a message saying that she was thinking of me today and if I needed to talk, she was around. It meant a lot.
And then, nothing else. I hate being the considerate friend. The one who thinks of other people, who takes care of other people, who thinks to say "I'm thinking of you." Because every once in a blue moon, I need that from other people, and I don't get it, which has only made me feel worse today.
I know I'm feeling sorry for myself. I think I get to today.
A friend from work sent me a message saying that she was thinking of me today and if I needed to talk, she was around. It meant a lot.
And then, nothing else. I hate being the considerate friend. The one who thinks of other people, who takes care of other people, who thinks to say "I'm thinking of you." Because every once in a blue moon, I need that from other people, and I don't get it, which has only made me feel worse today.
I know I'm feeling sorry for myself. I think I get to today.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Current Mood: Melancholoy
I'm trying not to think. There's nothing really to think about it. It's out of my hands right now.
I have chosen an egg donor. The coordinator is looking for another woman for me to share her embryos with. When that call comes, I will make the final decision of whether I am doing that or not.
My mother's parish priest thinks he can get me a baby from Nigeria (where he's from). I have asked a friend's sister (who works in the adoption field) is this sounds on the up and up. I don't want to get arrested for baby smuggling. I'm waiting to hear from her, and the priest won't be able to give me an update until he travels back to Nigeria in January.
Saturday would have been my due date. It's getting harder and harder to ignore as the week winds down. I've scheduled a massage and a facial for the mid-morning, and am hoping a spa day will keep me from spending the day in tears.
And of course, everywhere I look or listen...babies. A friend at work is beginning is 38th week tomorrow. Another friend just found out she's having a boy. Did you hear Nicole Richie had her baby today? Even on ESPN, there's talk of Mrs. Tom Brady and her impending bundle of joy.
And another thing! Really, do I really need to hear all these mothers lament that their babies are starting [insert grade here], oh where does the time go, I can't believe my baby is that big, only yesterday, blah blah blah. Fuck you. That's what I wanted to say after the umpteenth post on Facebook in the last two days.
I know it's probably always been like this, and I'm just more sensitive to it. It just sucks. It really does.
I have chosen an egg donor. The coordinator is looking for another woman for me to share her embryos with. When that call comes, I will make the final decision of whether I am doing that or not.
My mother's parish priest thinks he can get me a baby from Nigeria (where he's from). I have asked a friend's sister (who works in the adoption field) is this sounds on the up and up. I don't want to get arrested for baby smuggling. I'm waiting to hear from her, and the priest won't be able to give me an update until he travels back to Nigeria in January.
Saturday would have been my due date. It's getting harder and harder to ignore as the week winds down. I've scheduled a massage and a facial for the mid-morning, and am hoping a spa day will keep me from spending the day in tears.
And of course, everywhere I look or listen...babies. A friend at work is beginning is 38th week tomorrow. Another friend just found out she's having a boy. Did you hear Nicole Richie had her baby today? Even on ESPN, there's talk of Mrs. Tom Brady and her impending bundle of joy.
And another thing! Really, do I really need to hear all these mothers lament that their babies are starting [insert grade here], oh where does the time go, I can't believe my baby is that big, only yesterday, blah blah blah. Fuck you. That's what I wanted to say after the umpteenth post on Facebook in the last two days.
I know it's probably always been like this, and I'm just more sensitive to it. It just sucks. It really does.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
A Lot to Think About
I went up to Syracuse on Wednesday to meet with FG. He told me that, given my age, the number of cycles I've done, and the dosage I've been on, I have less than a 5% chance of getting pregnant with my own eggs. I can't even comprehend or articulate the level of disappointment I felt when I heard that.
So what, if any, are my options?
If I go with an egg donor, I have a 65% chance of getting pregnant and a 50% chance of staying pregnant (about the same as a person with no medical issues getting pregnant the traditional way) and a 95% of becoming a mom through adoption.
I cried, and he hugged, and he said all the things he says. "You couldn't have done anything more than you did. This isn't about what you did or didn't do. It's your eggs. And they may have been like this for years. You didn't wait too long. Everything is going to work out the way that it's supposed to."
I told him I was open to an egg donor, but that the $11,000 was out of my price range. And that's when he said, I have options and he had the egg donor coordinator come in and talk to me.
They have a program where two women share the same donor. The cost is $6200, and they would bill my insurance for the transfer. I have $1154 left of fertility coverage. So basically, an option, without my own eggs, very close to the $5000 number I through out at lunch the other day. So close in fact that is $5000.
I told her I was going on vacation and would give her a call when I get back. I think I know what I'm doing, but I have doubts every once in a while. And so I'm taking time to think, to figure it out. To come up with questions and wait for answers.
So what, if any, are my options?
If I go with an egg donor, I have a 65% chance of getting pregnant and a 50% chance of staying pregnant (about the same as a person with no medical issues getting pregnant the traditional way) and a 95% of becoming a mom through adoption.
I cried, and he hugged, and he said all the things he says. "You couldn't have done anything more than you did. This isn't about what you did or didn't do. It's your eggs. And they may have been like this for years. You didn't wait too long. Everything is going to work out the way that it's supposed to."
I told him I was open to an egg donor, but that the $11,000 was out of my price range. And that's when he said, I have options and he had the egg donor coordinator come in and talk to me.
They have a program where two women share the same donor. The cost is $6200, and they would bill my insurance for the transfer. I have $1154 left of fertility coverage. So basically, an option, without my own eggs, very close to the $5000 number I through out at lunch the other day. So close in fact that is $5000.
I told her I was going on vacation and would give her a call when I get back. I think I know what I'm doing, but I have doubts every once in a while. And so I'm taking time to think, to figure it out. To come up with questions and wait for answers.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
The Year in Review: 2009 (continued)
June 1 -- U/S and blood work
June 2 -- Yoga; Spotting
June 3 -- U/S and blood work; Decide to go with IUI this month
June 4 -- IUI #7; Acupuncture
June 5 -- Acupuncture
June 7 -- Begin daily medications: injectables (in stomach) Lovonox, and (intra-muscular) Progesterone in Oil; three progesterone suppositories
June 9 -- Yoga
June 11 -- Acupuncture
June 16 -- Yoga
June 18 -- Negative test. Failure #11.
June 21 -- Start period
June 22 -- Baseline U/S and blood work; start BCP for three weeks
June 23 -- Yoga
June 30 -- Yoga
July 7 -- Yoga; fertility massage
July 13 -- U/S and blood work; fertility massage
July 14 -- Yoga
July 15 -- Acupuncture; start period
July 17 -- U/S and blood work; Begin daily medication: injectable (in stomach) Gonal-F
July 20 -- U/S and blood work; support group
July 22 -- U/S and blood work; continue with Gonal-F, start Gannorellix (injectable)
July 23 -- Acupuncture
July 24 -- U/S and blood work
July 25 -- Fertility massage
July 27 -- U/S and blood work
July 28 -- Yoga
July 29 -- U/S and blood work
July 31 -- U/S and blood work
August 3 -- Fertility massage
August 4 -- Retrieval (5 eggs); start progesterone suppositories (3 daily); acupuncture
August 6 -- Transfer (2 embryos); begin daily medications: injectable (in stomach) Lovanox, and (intramuscular) Progesterone in oil; acupuncture
August 11 -- Yoga
August 13 -- Acupuncture
August 18 -- Negative Test. Failure #12.
August 19 -- Consult with doctor.
June 2 -- Yoga; Spotting
June 3 -- U/S and blood work; Decide to go with IUI this month
June 4 -- IUI #7; Acupuncture
June 5 -- Acupuncture
June 7 -- Begin daily medications: injectables (in stomach) Lovonox, and (intra-muscular) Progesterone in Oil; three progesterone suppositories
June 9 -- Yoga
June 11 -- Acupuncture
June 16 -- Yoga
June 18 -- Negative test. Failure #11.
June 21 -- Start period
June 22 -- Baseline U/S and blood work; start BCP for three weeks
June 23 -- Yoga
June 30 -- Yoga
July 7 -- Yoga; fertility massage
July 13 -- U/S and blood work; fertility massage
July 14 -- Yoga
July 15 -- Acupuncture; start period
July 17 -- U/S and blood work; Begin daily medication: injectable (in stomach) Gonal-F
July 20 -- U/S and blood work; support group
July 22 -- U/S and blood work; continue with Gonal-F, start Gannorellix (injectable)
July 23 -- Acupuncture
July 24 -- U/S and blood work
July 25 -- Fertility massage
July 27 -- U/S and blood work
July 28 -- Yoga
July 29 -- U/S and blood work
July 31 -- U/S and blood work
August 3 -- Fertility massage
August 4 -- Retrieval (5 eggs); start progesterone suppositories (3 daily); acupuncture
August 6 -- Transfer (2 embryos); begin daily medications: injectable (in stomach) Lovanox, and (intramuscular) Progesterone in oil; acupuncture
August 11 -- Yoga
August 13 -- Acupuncture
August 18 -- Negative Test. Failure #12.
August 19 -- Consult with doctor.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
The Word of the Day is Negative
So apparently driving up to Syracuse, to mix things up, for my blood test did not offer any different result. They called me about 9:45 and said the test was negative. I immediately made an appointment with the Fertility Guru for a consult. It's tomorrow at 2:30.
I'm not sure what I'm hoping to hear, but I'm still hopeful he'll have something to tell me. Twelve times, with medical and medicinal intervention, I tried to get pregnant. Once it worked for a few days. Once it worked for less than two months. And 10 times, it just didn't work. Clearly, there is something wrong with my body. My eggs.
I know that sometimes people donate their embryos, or even their eggs (beyond the egg donor for money program). One of his nurses told me that she got pregnant using donated sperm that a couple had purchased and then realized they couldn't go through with it. Where's that kind of intervention for me? It can't hurt to ask.
The egg donor program (from which my favorite nurse has 21-month-old twins) is $11,000. I can't shell out that kind of money for not a 100% guarantee that I will get and stay pregnant. It's $6,000 if I use an egg donor that's a friend or family member. I went down that path last year. Other than my friend that offered and then backed out and my niece (who has her own medical issues and probably wouldn't be able to do it), I can't think of anyone I would ask. It's a huge decision. Both of these people offered.
The ironic thing is, as we were talking about it at lunch today, if FG could make something work somehow, I would be willing to spend $5,000 out of pocket (for anything not using my own egg). So close to the $6,000 if I had my own egg donor.
And so I'm back to not knowing what to do next. I'm hoping that, if nothing else, the consult tomorrow will give me some closure so that I'll be able to move on to the next plan and have peace with whatever that decision is.
My friend April, who went through her own fertility treatment and is currently pregnant, is going with me tomorrow. I'll need support, and I'll need someone who can help me ask the tough questions.
I guess if I get nothing but closure tomorrow, I will make an appointment with my adoption social worker (who has all of the first part of the process completed) and really look at the costs. I'll follow up on the two possibly not wanted pregnancies that I know of (friend of a friend of a friend sort of thing). And I'll follow up with my mother's priest who is looking into a private adoption from Nigeria (his home country).
I'm not sure what I'm hoping to hear, but I'm still hopeful he'll have something to tell me. Twelve times, with medical and medicinal intervention, I tried to get pregnant. Once it worked for a few days. Once it worked for less than two months. And 10 times, it just didn't work. Clearly, there is something wrong with my body. My eggs.
I know that sometimes people donate their embryos, or even their eggs (beyond the egg donor for money program). One of his nurses told me that she got pregnant using donated sperm that a couple had purchased and then realized they couldn't go through with it. Where's that kind of intervention for me? It can't hurt to ask.
The egg donor program (from which my favorite nurse has 21-month-old twins) is $11,000. I can't shell out that kind of money for not a 100% guarantee that I will get and stay pregnant. It's $6,000 if I use an egg donor that's a friend or family member. I went down that path last year. Other than my friend that offered and then backed out and my niece (who has her own medical issues and probably wouldn't be able to do it), I can't think of anyone I would ask. It's a huge decision. Both of these people offered.
The ironic thing is, as we were talking about it at lunch today, if FG could make something work somehow, I would be willing to spend $5,000 out of pocket (for anything not using my own egg). So close to the $6,000 if I had my own egg donor.
And so I'm back to not knowing what to do next. I'm hoping that, if nothing else, the consult tomorrow will give me some closure so that I'll be able to move on to the next plan and have peace with whatever that decision is.
My friend April, who went through her own fertility treatment and is currently pregnant, is going with me tomorrow. I'll need support, and I'll need someone who can help me ask the tough questions.
I guess if I get nothing but closure tomorrow, I will make an appointment with my adoption social worker (who has all of the first part of the process completed) and really look at the costs. I'll follow up on the two possibly not wanted pregnancies that I know of (friend of a friend of a friend sort of thing). And I'll follow up with my mother's priest who is looking into a private adoption from Nigeria (his home country).
Monday, August 17, 2009
Weirdness
I've been having some weird sensations, and I'm trying not to read into them. I had some twinges the other day (less than any other month) and then on Saturday, twice, a weird, intense, stabbing pain -- that went just as quickly as it came. Tonight, a different ache (?) that went from my uterus down into my cervix. Again, it was quick. And then it was gone.
Sometimes they take my breath away, sometimes I'm doubled over. Not in agony, more in surprise by the feeling. I'm taking this all as a good thing.
I talked to Bubbles today, who had some words of wisdom for my about my experience with the pregnant woman yesterday. "She's the one who was meant for that baby. Your baby will come on a different day."
It made me feel better. A little.
Sometimes they take my breath away, sometimes I'm doubled over. Not in agony, more in surprise by the feeling. I'm taking this all as a good thing.
I talked to Bubbles today, who had some words of wisdom for my about my experience with the pregnant woman yesterday. "She's the one who was meant for that baby. Your baby will come on a different day."
It made me feel better. A little.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Still
Not sure what I'm feeling, trying not to think too much. For the first time in a few days, or the first time I really payed attention, I felt some twinges yesterday. And twice, I felt a sharp, quick pain in my uterus. No idea what it was, what it means.
Just a couple more days of waiting, and I go back to work tomorrow, so hopefully that will keep my mind off of things.
I went to my friend's baby's baptism this morning. I detest going to things like this as a single person. I would be so much more interesting if I had a pregnancy to talk about. Oh but, I did. Just not mine. There were lots of babies there. And a pregnant woman. Who's due date was my old due date.
I was fine through church and almost all of brunch, and then I just needed to leave. I teared up a little as I was leaving. Heather's mother gave me a hug and wished me luck on Tuesday. That was the tipping point. I just needed to come home and relax and not be with people.
I know I owe my friend Jan in Baltimore a phone call. But I can't do it. I don't want to talk about it. Last I talked to her, I was getting ready for retrieval. I can't go into the last two weeks, and my emotions, and what happens if... I just can't do it.
So the agenda for tonight -- a cold shower (summer has FINALLY arrived in Ithaca), my meditation CD, and bed. And hopefully, I can sleep.
Just a couple more days of waiting, and I go back to work tomorrow, so hopefully that will keep my mind off of things.
I went to my friend's baby's baptism this morning. I detest going to things like this as a single person. I would be so much more interesting if I had a pregnancy to talk about. Oh but, I did. Just not mine. There were lots of babies there. And a pregnant woman. Who's due date was my old due date.
I was fine through church and almost all of brunch, and then I just needed to leave. I teared up a little as I was leaving. Heather's mother gave me a hug and wished me luck on Tuesday. That was the tipping point. I just needed to come home and relax and not be with people.
I know I owe my friend Jan in Baltimore a phone call. But I can't do it. I don't want to talk about it. Last I talked to her, I was getting ready for retrieval. I can't go into the last two weeks, and my emotions, and what happens if... I just can't do it.
So the agenda for tonight -- a cold shower (summer has FINALLY arrived in Ithaca), my meditation CD, and bed. And hopefully, I can sleep.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Limbo
I'm in that limbo spot -- well past the transfer and the need to treat my body so delicately, but still six days from the blood test. I'm almost indifferent but I know that as each day ticks away, my mood will change. Fear will creep in.
I'm trying not to over-analyze if it goes the wrong way. What's meant to be will be, right? So if I' not, what does that mean?
I'm also trying not to look into too many signs. But lately, they've been hard to ignore.
Friday....it was the Family Guy episode where Peter goes to the sperm bank
Saturday....Law & Order with murder at a cryogenic lab and a court fight over frozen embryos
Monday....the Golden Girls and Blanche's daughter getting artificially inseminated
Tuesday...a ladybug (for good luck) in my bedroom
Who knows what tonight will bring?
I'm trying not to over-analyze if it goes the wrong way. What's meant to be will be, right? So if I' not, what does that mean?
I'm also trying not to look into too many signs. But lately, they've been hard to ignore.
Friday....it was the Family Guy episode where Peter goes to the sperm bank
Saturday....Law & Order with murder at a cryogenic lab and a court fight over frozen embryos
Monday....the Golden Girls and Blanche's daughter getting artificially inseminated
Tuesday...a ladybug (for good luck) in my bedroom
Who knows what tonight will bring?
Sunday, August 9, 2009
A Whirlwind Week in Review
Monday...awake for about three hours in the middle of the night, at work by 6:30am, head to Syracuse at 7:45 for a 9am fertility massage.
Tuesday...awake on and off, thinking about this being the last attempt, finally up at 5am. Jill picked me up at 6am and we headed to Syracuse for the retrieval. This was her first time doing this procedure with me. It was interesting to hear her describe it to me -- how FG pushed down on my stomach, how I was wincing in pain even as I was totally unaware of it, and how he used 10 to 15 giant Q-tips to stop the bleeding.
They were able to get five eggs. Respectable, I guess, at this stage in the game. I did acupuncture after the retrieval and rested at home the remainder of the day. I had things piled up on the DVR specifically for this.
Wednesday...awake since 2am. The day was going to be interesting, for sure. I got a call from the FG's office about 8:30. They injected three of the five eggs, and two became embryos. I was a little disappointed in the number, but tried to be positive that I only really needed one.
And then the kicker, "transfer is tomorrow." What? I was thinking Friday. Three to five days from retrieval would be Friday or Saturday. Bubbles was driving up from Baltimore on Thursday. I called her immediately and sounded the alarm. "I'll be there tonight."
I'm a planner. I had two full days worth of meetings on Wednesday and Thursday. I canceled my Wednesday morning meeting, pushing it off until next week. And did what I could for the rest of the day. Heather bought me a regular Pepsi (at this point, I'm off the artificial sweeteners, so no diet) at lunch, which helped me get through the afternoon.
I did a Wegmans run and $100 later (food to lay around and percolate to in the next two days) came home to clean the house. I managed to sit about 9pm, running on fumes at this point. Bubbles arrived about 9:45. And at that point, I was able to relax.
Thursday...I slept better last night, and was up at 6:15am to shower and be ready to leave by 7am. At Bubbles' suggestion, I made myself a mimosa. Her theory? Drunk girls always get pregnant. So one mimosa down and another in the travel mug, we headed to Syracuse.
FG came in with a picture of "two awesome, amazing and beautiful embryos" and as he inserted them into my uterus, Bubbles talked to them. Telling them to hang on, that we loved them, that we've been waiting for them for so long, that she's going to spoil them, and all sorts of amazing things. I was laying there, watching on the ultrasound screen through my tears and hoping with everything I have that they were paying attention and would listen to their Aunt Bubbles.
After acupuncture, we were back home. I napped on and off all afternoon, while Bubbles watched the entire third season of The Tudors on OnDemand. And by the time I was ready to head up to bed, Jane Seymour and Thomas Cromwell were dead, Anne of Cleves was now Henry's "sister," and the king was seducing his soon-to-be fifth wife.
Friday....another relaxing day, though we did venture outside. We met Jill for brunch and then wandered to Target and Kohl's. The rest of the day was spent much like the day before. I rested and allowed the embryos lots of quiet time to do their thing.
And so the week in review, not a lot of sleeping at the beginning, and then not a lot of much else at the end. And two awesome, amazing and beautiful embryos hunkering down into a lining almost 12mm thick.
Tuesday...awake on and off, thinking about this being the last attempt, finally up at 5am. Jill picked me up at 6am and we headed to Syracuse for the retrieval. This was her first time doing this procedure with me. It was interesting to hear her describe it to me -- how FG pushed down on my stomach, how I was wincing in pain even as I was totally unaware of it, and how he used 10 to 15 giant Q-tips to stop the bleeding.
They were able to get five eggs. Respectable, I guess, at this stage in the game. I did acupuncture after the retrieval and rested at home the remainder of the day. I had things piled up on the DVR specifically for this.
Wednesday...awake since 2am. The day was going to be interesting, for sure. I got a call from the FG's office about 8:30. They injected three of the five eggs, and two became embryos. I was a little disappointed in the number, but tried to be positive that I only really needed one.
And then the kicker, "transfer is tomorrow." What? I was thinking Friday. Three to five days from retrieval would be Friday or Saturday. Bubbles was driving up from Baltimore on Thursday. I called her immediately and sounded the alarm. "I'll be there tonight."
I'm a planner. I had two full days worth of meetings on Wednesday and Thursday. I canceled my Wednesday morning meeting, pushing it off until next week. And did what I could for the rest of the day. Heather bought me a regular Pepsi (at this point, I'm off the artificial sweeteners, so no diet) at lunch, which helped me get through the afternoon.
I did a Wegmans run and $100 later (food to lay around and percolate to in the next two days) came home to clean the house. I managed to sit about 9pm, running on fumes at this point. Bubbles arrived about 9:45. And at that point, I was able to relax.
Thursday...I slept better last night, and was up at 6:15am to shower and be ready to leave by 7am. At Bubbles' suggestion, I made myself a mimosa. Her theory? Drunk girls always get pregnant. So one mimosa down and another in the travel mug, we headed to Syracuse.
FG came in with a picture of "two awesome, amazing and beautiful embryos" and as he inserted them into my uterus, Bubbles talked to them. Telling them to hang on, that we loved them, that we've been waiting for them for so long, that she's going to spoil them, and all sorts of amazing things. I was laying there, watching on the ultrasound screen through my tears and hoping with everything I have that they were paying attention and would listen to their Aunt Bubbles.
After acupuncture, we were back home. I napped on and off all afternoon, while Bubbles watched the entire third season of The Tudors on OnDemand. And by the time I was ready to head up to bed, Jane Seymour and Thomas Cromwell were dead, Anne of Cleves was now Henry's "sister," and the king was seducing his soon-to-be fifth wife.
Friday....another relaxing day, though we did venture outside. We met Jill for brunch and then wandered to Target and Kohl's. The rest of the day was spent much like the day before. I rested and allowed the embryos lots of quiet time to do their thing.
And so the week in review, not a lot of sleeping at the beginning, and then not a lot of much else at the end. And two awesome, amazing and beautiful embryos hunkering down into a lining almost 12mm thick.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Drunk Girls Always Get Pregnant
I had a good doctor's appointment yesterday, with several follicles on the low 20s. Tonight is my last night of "jiffy pop" medicine, tomorrow I do the trigger shots at exactly 8pm, Monday morning I have a final fertility massage scheduled, and then Tuesday, Jill is taking me up to Syracuse for retrieval. The final retrieval.
Bubbles will be heading up from Baltimore on Thursday to take me to the transfer, which should be Friday (could be Saturday). She has been saying for two years that I need to go to the doctor drunk on procedure day. "Cuz drunk girls always get pregnant."
I'm giving in. She's bringing a split of champagne, and I will be drinking mimosas in my travel coffee mug. I figure one will get me buzzed, considering I haven't had a drink in several months and haven't gotten properly drunk since Babe's birthday in February.
Even though I heard everything I wanted to do at my appointment, I couldn't shake an image out of me head. Of me pulling up to my brother's house in Richmond, and collapsing in tears in my sister-in-law's arms. I'll be headed there at the end of the month, and I pray that that image doesn't come true.
My eyes kept tearing up, I turned the radio up louder, turned music on, trying to sing along. Nothing could get that image out of my head. Finally, I turned my yoga CD on and listened to the chanting and prayer in that music. It helped a little.
Bubbles will be heading up from Baltimore on Thursday to take me to the transfer, which should be Friday (could be Saturday). She has been saying for two years that I need to go to the doctor drunk on procedure day. "Cuz drunk girls always get pregnant."
I'm giving in. She's bringing a split of champagne, and I will be drinking mimosas in my travel coffee mug. I figure one will get me buzzed, considering I haven't had a drink in several months and haven't gotten properly drunk since Babe's birthday in February.
Even though I heard everything I wanted to do at my appointment, I couldn't shake an image out of me head. Of me pulling up to my brother's house in Richmond, and collapsing in tears in my sister-in-law's arms. I'll be headed there at the end of the month, and I pray that that image doesn't come true.
My eyes kept tearing up, I turned the radio up louder, turned music on, trying to sing along. Nothing could get that image out of my head. Finally, I turned my yoga CD on and listened to the chanting and prayer in that music. It helped a little.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
It's Hump Day
to quote a morning radio DJ from my Rochester days, "and later we will."
It's been such a busy week already, I'm looking forward to the weekend. I had my follicle check this morning and things are looking really good. It's hard to see how many follicles are growing, they are all stacking on top of each other at this point, but the lead follicle is 18mm and my lining is great (almost 12mm, which is really the max that it gets). The nurse is guessing Monday for retrieval, but we'll know on Friday when I go back.
Bubbles is hopefully coming up from Baltimore for the transfer. I saw her the day after the transfer the time I got pregnant and she talked to my belly. Maybe if she talks to the embryos pre-utero, they'll stick around a little more.
It's been such a busy week already, I'm looking forward to the weekend. I had my follicle check this morning and things are looking really good. It's hard to see how many follicles are growing, they are all stacking on top of each other at this point, but the lead follicle is 18mm and my lining is great (almost 12mm, which is really the max that it gets). The nurse is guessing Monday for retrieval, but we'll know on Friday when I go back.
Bubbles is hopefully coming up from Baltimore for the transfer. I saw her the day after the transfer the time I got pregnant and she talked to my belly. Maybe if she talks to the embryos pre-utero, they'll stick around a little more.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Weekend Update
It was a fun weekend, and I wish I didn't have such a busy, Syracuse-filled week ahead, but alas I do. Doctor appointments Monday and Wednesday morning, yoga Tuesday night, and thankfully not a lot of meetings.
My follicle check went well on Friday -- there are anywhere between 5 and 8 follicles, with the lead one at 13mm. Slow and steady wins the race. My best guess is that retrieval will be next Monday or Tuesday, with transfer on Friday the 7th. Which also means that I will be getting my test results very close to the exact date of my first IUI two years ago (August 23). Win or lose, it will all come full circle. And win or lose, I'll be heading south at the end of August.
I had another fertility massage yesterday, this time with yet another person. She wasn't trained in the Mayan abdominal techniques that I had been getting, but she did some work on my stomach and pressure points. It was more relaxing than the other two, so even if it wasn't entirely focused on my reproductive organs, it was a stress-reliever. I think I'll be able to fit one more in before retrieval.
My follicle check went well on Friday -- there are anywhere between 5 and 8 follicles, with the lead one at 13mm. Slow and steady wins the race. My best guess is that retrieval will be next Monday or Tuesday, with transfer on Friday the 7th. Which also means that I will be getting my test results very close to the exact date of my first IUI two years ago (August 23). Win or lose, it will all come full circle. And win or lose, I'll be heading south at the end of August.
I had another fertility massage yesterday, this time with yet another person. She wasn't trained in the Mayan abdominal techniques that I had been getting, but she did some work on my stomach and pressure points. It was more relaxing than the other two, so even if it wasn't entirely focused on my reproductive organs, it was a stress-reliever. I think I'll be able to fit one more in before retrieval.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
It's Almost Friday
The week got better, although there was another incident with Casey on Tuesday night, but she was good last night.
I had a follicle check yesterday and I had six follicles, possibly a seventh. The lead follicle is 12mm. I ordered the baby batter yesterday (it will arrive Monday) and I go back for another ultrasound tomorrow.
I'm guessing retrieval next Friday at the earliest. Stay tuned.
I had a follicle check yesterday and I had six follicles, possibly a seventh. The lead follicle is 12mm. I ordered the baby batter yesterday (it will arrive Monday) and I go back for another ultrasound tomorrow.
I'm guessing retrieval next Friday at the earliest. Stay tuned.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Monday Sucked
The day started out fine, if not a little early. I was up at 5:15am, jumped in the shower and got dressed, fed my neighbors cats (a more-complex-then-usual task since her cats eat different things and I have to lock one in the bathroom to eat and then wait), and was on the road by 6:15 for Syracuse.
My follicle check went well. I had my favorite NP and I have at least three follicles on the left, and five on the right. Whoo-hoo. Keep growing, little follicles. I went to Skaneateles, a beautiful little resort village on one of the Finger Lakes to spend the day at my friend Jenn's house, since I would be going back to the FG's office later in the day.
We played with the kids in the backyard, fed them lunch, and then left them with her husband while we walked around the village and got lunch. Then back to her house to sit by the pool.
About 5pm, I headed back to Syracuse for my first support group meeting. I wasn't sure what to expect, and there were lots of people there that it was their first time, too. Overall, there were about 25 people there (including three husbands). Everyone went around the room and told their story.
I would have expected that to be cathartic. And I'm not sure why the meeting, overall, wasn't. All the sad stories, all the failures should have made me feel like I'm not in it alone, but I think they gave me a hopeless feeling.
trying for three years....trying for five years...miscarriage with twins at 10 weeks...premenopausal at 35...miscarriage at 7 weeks....ready to give up...
Maybe I'm just tired. Like two years worth of tired. I'm tired of talking and rehashing what more we can all do.
Acupuncture. Yoga. Massage. Stress relievers. Meditation. Support groups. Support forums. Therapy. I'm doing all of that. And then we hear -- in the support group and in yoga -- Don't watch TV or read the news -- nothing but negative energy. Read positive books.
And then there's the information that contradicts each other. Don't eat ice cream -- you need to keep your uterus warm. Eat full fat dairy -- it's good for conception.
I've said it before, but I feel like I want to scream it from a mountain top -- it shouldn't be this hard. If it's this hard to reproduce, how did man get this far?
FG said something at the meeting that I took to heart, and I'm sure he meant it in a positive way, because he is nothing if not positive, but he said "none of us is promised anything in life."
And he's right. But is it too much to expect that if I don't get the husband, I can have the baby?
I drove home with a pounding headache, knowing I had to stop at Kohl's to buy a new hair straightener (I noticed in the morning that mine was most likely a fire hazard with frayed cord showing), still feed the neighbor's cats and do my shots and medicine.
If Casey pooped on the floor, I think I might lose it. (My 13-year-old cat has irritable bowel syndrome and sometimes doesn't make it to the litter box or starts there, it hurts and she jumps out. Fortunately, her messes are contained to one room 99% of the time, and she's only ruined the rug in her room.)
I went to Kohl's, the headache is now an 8 on a scale of 1 to 10. Go home, take my shot out of the fridge to warm up, go over to Lynne's to feed the cats. Get the mail while the one cat is eating locked up, go back in and let her out. Go home, do my shot, take my meds. Grab something little to eat, check my email and calendar for today. At this point, it's 9pm and my headache is closing in on a 9. Someone is pressing their thumbs into both of my eyes and has a vice around my head.
I go upstairs and see a pile of poo on the floor, a smaller dropping about three feet away, and a little in my room. I start sobbing, not doing any wonders for my headache. Bending over to clean up the floor makes my head explode. I cry harder. I look at the rug shampooer that I leave in Casey's room for nights like this, and lose it. I sit on a stool and sob into my knees.
I clean up the best I can, pour Nature's Miracle on all the spots and cover them with hand towels so I know where they are. Contacts out, Yankees t-shirt on, 800 mg of Ibuprofin, and the lights off. I hold my head, trying to relieve the pressure and fall asleep.
I want a boy to make the decision of what to do with Casey. I want a boy to rub my head and tell me it's okay. To tell me that we're in this together and one way or another, there will be a crib in that other room (once we tear up the poopy carpet). That's all I want as I try not to cry, lest my head actually explode.
It's what I want. And then I remember the FG's words....none of us is promised anything.
My follicle check went well. I had my favorite NP and I have at least three follicles on the left, and five on the right. Whoo-hoo. Keep growing, little follicles. I went to Skaneateles, a beautiful little resort village on one of the Finger Lakes to spend the day at my friend Jenn's house, since I would be going back to the FG's office later in the day.
We played with the kids in the backyard, fed them lunch, and then left them with her husband while we walked around the village and got lunch. Then back to her house to sit by the pool.
About 5pm, I headed back to Syracuse for my first support group meeting. I wasn't sure what to expect, and there were lots of people there that it was their first time, too. Overall, there were about 25 people there (including three husbands). Everyone went around the room and told their story.
I would have expected that to be cathartic. And I'm not sure why the meeting, overall, wasn't. All the sad stories, all the failures should have made me feel like I'm not in it alone, but I think they gave me a hopeless feeling.
trying for three years....trying for five years...miscarriage with twins at 10 weeks...premenopausal at 35...miscarriage at 7 weeks....ready to give up...
Maybe I'm just tired. Like two years worth of tired. I'm tired of talking and rehashing what more we can all do.
Acupuncture. Yoga. Massage. Stress relievers. Meditation. Support groups. Support forums. Therapy. I'm doing all of that. And then we hear -- in the support group and in yoga -- Don't watch TV or read the news -- nothing but negative energy. Read positive books.
And then there's the information that contradicts each other. Don't eat ice cream -- you need to keep your uterus warm. Eat full fat dairy -- it's good for conception.
I've said it before, but I feel like I want to scream it from a mountain top -- it shouldn't be this hard. If it's this hard to reproduce, how did man get this far?
FG said something at the meeting that I took to heart, and I'm sure he meant it in a positive way, because he is nothing if not positive, but he said "none of us is promised anything in life."
And he's right. But is it too much to expect that if I don't get the husband, I can have the baby?
I drove home with a pounding headache, knowing I had to stop at Kohl's to buy a new hair straightener (I noticed in the morning that mine was most likely a fire hazard with frayed cord showing), still feed the neighbor's cats and do my shots and medicine.
If Casey pooped on the floor, I think I might lose it. (My 13-year-old cat has irritable bowel syndrome and sometimes doesn't make it to the litter box or starts there, it hurts and she jumps out. Fortunately, her messes are contained to one room 99% of the time, and she's only ruined the rug in her room.)
I went to Kohl's, the headache is now an 8 on a scale of 1 to 10. Go home, take my shot out of the fridge to warm up, go over to Lynne's to feed the cats. Get the mail while the one cat is eating locked up, go back in and let her out. Go home, do my shot, take my meds. Grab something little to eat, check my email and calendar for today. At this point, it's 9pm and my headache is closing in on a 9. Someone is pressing their thumbs into both of my eyes and has a vice around my head.
I go upstairs and see a pile of poo on the floor, a smaller dropping about three feet away, and a little in my room. I start sobbing, not doing any wonders for my headache. Bending over to clean up the floor makes my head explode. I cry harder. I look at the rug shampooer that I leave in Casey's room for nights like this, and lose it. I sit on a stool and sob into my knees.
I clean up the best I can, pour Nature's Miracle on all the spots and cover them with hand towels so I know where they are. Contacts out, Yankees t-shirt on, 800 mg of Ibuprofin, and the lights off. I hold my head, trying to relieve the pressure and fall asleep.
I want a boy to make the decision of what to do with Casey. I want a boy to rub my head and tell me it's okay. To tell me that we're in this together and one way or another, there will be a crib in that other room (once we tear up the poopy carpet). That's all I want as I try not to cry, lest my head actually explode.
It's what I want. And then I remember the FG's words....none of us is promised anything.
Friday, July 17, 2009
It's Time
I went to the doctor this morning and I'm ready. I start shooting up tonight -- 450 units of Gonal-F and go back on Monday. No Lupron this time, I will start on the Ganirelix towards the middle of next week.
I have follicle checks on Monday, Wednesday and Friday next week. So the continuous driving to Syracuse and back starts up again. I'm feeling positive and hopeful.
I have follicle checks on Monday, Wednesday and Friday next week. So the continuous driving to Syracuse and back starts up again. I'm feeling positive and hopeful.
Monday, July 13, 2009
The First of the Last
After three weeks on the pill, I was finally able to go back to the doctor this morning. My first appointment of the last round of IVF.
My left uterus -- usually hiding behind my colon and bladder -- was actually behind my uterus. So maybe these massage techniques have been doing something positive. My lining was about 7 or 8 mm thick -- too thick to start the meds tonight. If I started tonight, they're concerned that I won't shed it all when I get my period. So I will call in the next day or two and should be shooting up by the end of the week.
The good news -- Ally found 10 or 11 resting follicles. I have no idea how many I've had in the past, no one has ever told me. But she seemed genuinely excited about it. "We've got to make this month work." And it was nice to hear from her that she's in it with me. Even when she walked in the room, she said she had been thinking of me that morning, knowing that my three weeks were up and I would be in.
After my appointment, I went next door and had my second fertility massage, this time from someone I went to high school with. At first that was a little strange, but she was ultra-professional and was even better than the man I had last week. I liked her technique much better, even though there was some pain involved.
Pain is strong. Discomfort is more like it. I'm willing to do whatever it takes. As I was laying there, I just kept thinking, "suck it up. child birth is going to hurt more."
I hope so.
My left uterus -- usually hiding behind my colon and bladder -- was actually behind my uterus. So maybe these massage techniques have been doing something positive. My lining was about 7 or 8 mm thick -- too thick to start the meds tonight. If I started tonight, they're concerned that I won't shed it all when I get my period. So I will call in the next day or two and should be shooting up by the end of the week.
The good news -- Ally found 10 or 11 resting follicles. I have no idea how many I've had in the past, no one has ever told me. But she seemed genuinely excited about it. "We've got to make this month work." And it was nice to hear from her that she's in it with me. Even when she walked in the room, she said she had been thinking of me that morning, knowing that my three weeks were up and I would be in.
After my appointment, I went next door and had my second fertility massage, this time from someone I went to high school with. At first that was a little strange, but she was ultra-professional and was even better than the man I had last week. I liked her technique much better, even though there was some pain involved.
Pain is strong. Discomfort is more like it. I'm willing to do whatever it takes. As I was laying there, I just kept thinking, "suck it up. child birth is going to hurt more."
I hope so.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Fertility Massage
One of the best parts of a massage is that you're laying on your stomach, hiding the less-than-perfect parts of yourself, exposing your back and getting it rubbed. Fertility massage? Not so much.
I started on my back and he rubbed my stomach. Nothing relaxing about it. He was really digging in, increasing blood flow and circulation to my uterus, and all I could think about was what my stomach looked like after two years of my body getting ready to be pregnant.
And then I realized I was being stupid. At this point, modesty needs to go out the window. And I just need to suck it up and do whatever it takes. He pulled down from my belly button to just above my pubic bone and then over to each pelvic bone. And then pushed up from the belly button in three directions. He rubbed my stomach in a circle, really pushing into it and moving things around. He covered it with a heating pad and then used pressure points (probably the same places I have needles when I get acupuncture) on my neck, shoulders and head.
He did deep pressure circulation stuff on my back too. Really deep. Almost to the point where it hurt. And then I think as just a way to throw me a bone, he rubbed the calves and feet for a few minutes.
Not the usual massage, but very interesting. I have to do the same type of massage on my stomach every night and use a heating pad. And I go back on Monday for another massage after my doctor's appointment. He suggested I continue to be treated with a massage each week up until transfer.
I started on my back and he rubbed my stomach. Nothing relaxing about it. He was really digging in, increasing blood flow and circulation to my uterus, and all I could think about was what my stomach looked like after two years of my body getting ready to be pregnant.
And then I realized I was being stupid. At this point, modesty needs to go out the window. And I just need to suck it up and do whatever it takes. He pulled down from my belly button to just above my pubic bone and then over to each pelvic bone. And then pushed up from the belly button in three directions. He rubbed my stomach in a circle, really pushing into it and moving things around. He covered it with a heating pad and then used pressure points (probably the same places I have needles when I get acupuncture) on my neck, shoulders and head.
He did deep pressure circulation stuff on my back too. Really deep. Almost to the point where it hurt. And then I think as just a way to throw me a bone, he rubbed the calves and feet for a few minutes.
Not the usual massage, but very interesting. I have to do the same type of massage on my stomach every night and use a heating pad. And I go back on Monday for another massage after my doctor's appointment. He suggested I continue to be treated with a massage each week up until transfer.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
My Mood is Better
I'm still on the pill for one more week, but I'm feeling less weepy than even two days ago. I made it through the weekend with little drama.
I'm feeling okay. I've got a fertility massage scheduled before yoga on Tuesday. What's a fertility massage? My cynical side says one more way for the FG to make money.
Officially, the website says: A rejuvenating and nurturing treatment utilizing a variety of techniques including Swedish, deep tissue, trigger point therapy, myofascial release, reflexology and cranial sacral. Stimulate your circulation, decrease muscle tension, and renew your well-being. This massage is designed for pre fertility treatment.
I have one scheduled for the following week, as well. No one can tell me that I'm not doing all I can to try to get pregnant.
I'm feeling okay. I've got a fertility massage scheduled before yoga on Tuesday. What's a fertility massage? My cynical side says one more way for the FG to make money.
Officially, the website says: A rejuvenating and nurturing treatment utilizing a variety of techniques including Swedish, deep tissue, trigger point therapy, myofascial release, reflexology and cranial sacral. Stimulate your circulation, decrease muscle tension, and renew your well-being. This massage is designed for pre fertility treatment.
I have one scheduled for the following week, as well. No one can tell me that I'm not doing all I can to try to get pregnant.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
The Pill is the Culprit
I'm so glad that I'm neurotic (or anal?) to write everything down. I looked back at my posts the last time I was on the pill. Of course, when I first reread them, it was a good thing because I got pregnant on the cycle following being on the pill.
What I didn't notice was my mood while I was on the pill. I was miserable. And not sad for a little while, but several days on end, miserable. About a week into being on the pill, I was an emotional wreck. Every little thing bothered me.
Fast forward to this month. About a week into being on the pill, the same thing. Last time I was only on for two weeks, this time for three. Should make for fun times.
What I didn't notice was my mood while I was on the pill. I was miserable. And not sad for a little while, but several days on end, miserable. About a week into being on the pill, I was an emotional wreck. Every little thing bothered me.
Fast forward to this month. About a week into being on the pill, the same thing. Last time I was only on for two weeks, this time for three. Should make for fun times.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Cranky Monday
And I'm not sure why. I feel like crying. Or going back to sleep. When really what I want is to feel like working out.
I had a good weekend. I went to Syracuse and spent the night at my niece's. Yesterday was Andrew's 2nd birthday party.
I had been anxious about it earlier in the week, that my oldest sister would be there and I would have to hear about her daughter, who is due to give birth in the next two weeks. I think I've forgiven her insensitivity in how she told me she was pregnant, but I can't forget. And to hear people go on and on about it -- I wasn't in the mood. I found out Saturday night that she wouldn't be coming. She had to work all day on Saturday.
Maybe it was, not just being around little kids, but actually celebrating the anniversary of his birth. It could be that or it could be something totally unrelated. Like I'm just tired. Or my hormones are out of whack -- though I have been living with that for the past two years.
I feel like I did last summer when I thought an egg donor was my only option. My mind is swimming with all sorts of things and what if's. What if there is a better chance to get pregnant with an egg donor than with my own egg. Should I have just gone with an egg donor last summer, instead of wasting the time and money on trying to get pregnant on my own? Or should I have just given up and saved since last year and gone ahead with adoption? Should I try with an egg donor after my final IVF?
I don't know how productive of a day it will be at work today. I should have called in sick.
I had a good weekend. I went to Syracuse and spent the night at my niece's. Yesterday was Andrew's 2nd birthday party.
I had been anxious about it earlier in the week, that my oldest sister would be there and I would have to hear about her daughter, who is due to give birth in the next two weeks. I think I've forgiven her insensitivity in how she told me she was pregnant, but I can't forget. And to hear people go on and on about it -- I wasn't in the mood. I found out Saturday night that she wouldn't be coming. She had to work all day on Saturday.
Maybe it was, not just being around little kids, but actually celebrating the anniversary of his birth. It could be that or it could be something totally unrelated. Like I'm just tired. Or my hormones are out of whack -- though I have been living with that for the past two years.
I feel like I did last summer when I thought an egg donor was my only option. My mind is swimming with all sorts of things and what if's. What if there is a better chance to get pregnant with an egg donor than with my own egg. Should I have just gone with an egg donor last summer, instead of wasting the time and money on trying to get pregnant on my own? Or should I have just given up and saved since last year and gone ahead with adoption? Should I try with an egg donor after my final IVF?
I don't know how productive of a day it will be at work today. I should have called in sick.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
"Donna Does Wonders with the Probe"
I managed to get a doctor's appointment this morning, and so at 8:45, Hope, Heather and I took a "staff field trip" to the doctor's office. (The only thing missing was Nancy.)
We came up with a list of questions in the car, and I told them that what I'm not good at, what I really needed them from them, was the follow-up. Once I ask the question and get an answer, I'm not good at saying, "but what else?" or "but what about...?" They were both up to the task.
The FG's office was hopping when we got there. I leaned over to Hope and said, so which one of you is my lesbian lover and which is the egg donor. (Because really, what else would three women be doing at the fertility doctor?) She sized up me and Heather with our matching Vera Bradley purses and said, "ummm....she's more like you, she's your egg donor." To which Heather replied, "she wants to be your lover."
When I was finally called back for my baseline U/S, the nurse was a little surprised at our little conga line. "They're both coming back?"
When the nurse practitioner came in to the ultrasound, they started asking their questions. The NP -- new to the practice -- didn't have all the answers, but said she would bring Donna in when we were done. And then she couldn't find my left ovary, which has been known to hide. "Stay undressed, I'll get Donna and see if she can find your left ovary. She does wonders with the probe."
Donna came in, immediately found my left ovary, and then sat there while the girls peppered her with questions. At this point, Donna was saying that there were some residual cysts left over from last month, but we could still go ahead, to start the meds tonight and be back on Friday for a follicle check.
Hope and Heather weren't ready to accept that that was the best thing for me. The most impactful question, and I think it was from Hope, "if she got pregnant in December, why wouldn't you try to do the cycle the exact same way? Why increase her dosage so much, why add a new medicine to the mix? Especially when using more medicine didn't seem to create a better quality or quantity of eggs?"
Donna thought about it for a minute and then said, "Well the cysts are a little bigger than I would like." She looked at me, "what if we put you on the pill for three weeks to suppress ovulation, let your cysts go away, and we'll start up on July 13 with just the Gonal-F?"
It felt like a weight off my shoulders. And in thinking about it, that was the way the cycle worked when I got pregnant. I was on the pill for two weeks to manipulate my cycle so that we could fit it in before Christmas. So this isn't a bad thing, it can only be a good thing.
And so I went back to the gym tonight for the first time in five weeks. I lasted about half hour on the treadmill. It was a start. I'll give myself this week to get my endurance back up and then start running next week.
Today was a better day than Friday. At least we're moving in the right direction.
We came up with a list of questions in the car, and I told them that what I'm not good at, what I really needed them from them, was the follow-up. Once I ask the question and get an answer, I'm not good at saying, "but what else?" or "but what about...?" They were both up to the task.
The FG's office was hopping when we got there. I leaned over to Hope and said, so which one of you is my lesbian lover and which is the egg donor. (Because really, what else would three women be doing at the fertility doctor?) She sized up me and Heather with our matching Vera Bradley purses and said, "ummm....she's more like you, she's your egg donor." To which Heather replied, "she wants to be your lover."
When I was finally called back for my baseline U/S, the nurse was a little surprised at our little conga line. "They're both coming back?"
When the nurse practitioner came in to the ultrasound, they started asking their questions. The NP -- new to the practice -- didn't have all the answers, but said she would bring Donna in when we were done. And then she couldn't find my left ovary, which has been known to hide. "Stay undressed, I'll get Donna and see if she can find your left ovary. She does wonders with the probe."
Donna came in, immediately found my left ovary, and then sat there while the girls peppered her with questions. At this point, Donna was saying that there were some residual cysts left over from last month, but we could still go ahead, to start the meds tonight and be back on Friday for a follicle check.
Hope and Heather weren't ready to accept that that was the best thing for me. The most impactful question, and I think it was from Hope, "if she got pregnant in December, why wouldn't you try to do the cycle the exact same way? Why increase her dosage so much, why add a new medicine to the mix? Especially when using more medicine didn't seem to create a better quality or quantity of eggs?"
Donna thought about it for a minute and then said, "Well the cysts are a little bigger than I would like." She looked at me, "what if we put you on the pill for three weeks to suppress ovulation, let your cysts go away, and we'll start up on July 13 with just the Gonal-F?"
It felt like a weight off my shoulders. And in thinking about it, that was the way the cycle worked when I got pregnant. I was on the pill for two weeks to manipulate my cycle so that we could fit it in before Christmas. So this isn't a bad thing, it can only be a good thing.
And so I went back to the gym tonight for the first time in five weeks. I lasted about half hour on the treadmill. It was a start. I'll give myself this week to get my endurance back up and then start running next week.
Today was a better day than Friday. At least we're moving in the right direction.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Sunday Bloody Sunday
At least my body doesn't let me psyche myself into believing that the test was a false positive. I woke up this morning to my period and quickly realized I had very little in way of supplies to deal with it. Ugh.
I started making a list of questions for the doctor. Hope is going with me to the baseline to help ask questions and be an extra set of ears.
* what more can I do?
* what are the chances of getting pregnant?
* did the increase of Gonal-F and Menopur cause over-stimulation to the point that the follicles stopped growing and it caused the spotting?
* should FG re-examine me to see where things stand with my reproductive levels?
* would taking a month off make any difference?
That's what we have so far. It will be good for Hope to be there. I ask why I'm not getting pregnant and I get an answer like, "you're doing all you can." Hope will push and ask for an actual medical explanation.
For the past two years, I've never wavered. I've never doubted myself or my decision. This is what I'm supposed to do. I can be a single mother. I will have no trouble with it. But now, as I'm nearing my last chance, I am starting to doubt adoption.
How reasonable is it to take on a debt that large and add another person to my household? A person who is 100% dependent on me for all of his or her needs?
I'm casting the net, and actually this is where Fran being Fran is a good thing. She's casting the net. She's got her Nigerian priest looking into adopting from his country, she's working something with a woman who may or may not have someone in her family to take care of her baby which has to be taken from her as soon as she gives birth, and then she asked my oldest sister about anything that her husband may have (he's the former DA of a small town and now has his own private practice).
Hope asked me the other day if, knowing that I believe in fate and destiny, I needed to go through the past two years of failure and disappointment so that my heart would be completely open to an adopted child, that if the past two years were fate's way of making the timing exactly right for the child that is meant for me.
It's a nice thought. And one that I'm sure will become my mantra the minute I'm holding my baby, however that baby comes to me.
I started making a list of questions for the doctor. Hope is going with me to the baseline to help ask questions and be an extra set of ears.
* what more can I do?
* what are the chances of getting pregnant?
* did the increase of Gonal-F and Menopur cause over-stimulation to the point that the follicles stopped growing and it caused the spotting?
* should FG re-examine me to see where things stand with my reproductive levels?
* would taking a month off make any difference?
That's what we have so far. It will be good for Hope to be there. I ask why I'm not getting pregnant and I get an answer like, "you're doing all you can." Hope will push and ask for an actual medical explanation.
For the past two years, I've never wavered. I've never doubted myself or my decision. This is what I'm supposed to do. I can be a single mother. I will have no trouble with it. But now, as I'm nearing my last chance, I am starting to doubt adoption.
How reasonable is it to take on a debt that large and add another person to my household? A person who is 100% dependent on me for all of his or her needs?
I'm casting the net, and actually this is where Fran being Fran is a good thing. She's casting the net. She's got her Nigerian priest looking into adopting from his country, she's working something with a woman who may or may not have someone in her family to take care of her baby which has to be taken from her as soon as she gives birth, and then she asked my oldest sister about anything that her husband may have (he's the former DA of a small town and now has his own private practice).
Hope asked me the other day if, knowing that I believe in fate and destiny, I needed to go through the past two years of failure and disappointment so that my heart would be completely open to an adopted child, that if the past two years were fate's way of making the timing exactly right for the child that is meant for me.
It's a nice thought. And one that I'm sure will become my mantra the minute I'm holding my baby, however that baby comes to me.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Eleven Down....One to Go
My test was negative today. I was indifferent to the results. It has become the norm to hear the bad news, at this point. I can only cry so many times.
The girls and I went on a field trip after getting the news. Wal-Mart to get me a diet Pepsi; Kohls for a shopping excursion; and McDonald's for grease.
And then I got back to the office and ran into a co-worker who is only in the office on Tuesdays and Thursdays. She had been looking for me the other day, wanted to tell me something before I heard it from someone else, was just going to say it.
"You're pregnant." It wasn't a question, because just like hearing the negative test result, hearing that other people are pregnant has become the norm. "I'm happy for you."
"I know you are."
"I'm probably going to cry, but I'm happy for you." And then I walked into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and sobbed.
After that one of my friends said, "maybe you just adopt. Isn't that what they say? You adopt, and then when you least expect it...."
But that's not going to happen to me. Unless Mr. Right suddenly shows up. It happens to those people because they have a husband, they're having sex. The only sex I'm having these days is protected -- or it should be.
I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm ready to give up. But I won't. I have one try left and I have to do it. I've already called in my prescription refills for the next round of ovarian stimulants, even before I get my period.
And so I'll do what I've done the last 10 times I've heard, "the test was negative, if you want to try again, call us on the first day of your cycle." I'll feel sorry for myself for the weekend, and then get right back on the horse.
This, however, will be the last horse I'm riding. Win or lose. After the next round, I'm done.
The girls and I went on a field trip after getting the news. Wal-Mart to get me a diet Pepsi; Kohls for a shopping excursion; and McDonald's for grease.
And then I got back to the office and ran into a co-worker who is only in the office on Tuesdays and Thursdays. She had been looking for me the other day, wanted to tell me something before I heard it from someone else, was just going to say it.
"You're pregnant." It wasn't a question, because just like hearing the negative test result, hearing that other people are pregnant has become the norm. "I'm happy for you."
"I know you are."
"I'm probably going to cry, but I'm happy for you." And then I walked into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and sobbed.
After that one of my friends said, "maybe you just adopt. Isn't that what they say? You adopt, and then when you least expect it...."
But that's not going to happen to me. Unless Mr. Right suddenly shows up. It happens to those people because they have a husband, they're having sex. The only sex I'm having these days is protected -- or it should be.
I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm ready to give up. But I won't. I have one try left and I have to do it. I've already called in my prescription refills for the next round of ovarian stimulants, even before I get my period.
And so I'll do what I've done the last 10 times I've heard, "the test was negative, if you want to try again, call us on the first day of your cycle." I'll feel sorry for myself for the weekend, and then get right back on the horse.
This, however, will be the last horse I'm riding. Win or lose. After the next round, I'm done.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Some days are so hard
Babies are everywhere. And if they're not there, their parents are, talking about them. And some days, I'm happy to listen and join in on the conversation, and others....not so much.
Today was one of those days.
A group of us went to lunch today and on the way drive back to work, it was nothing but babies.
And the right amount of years between the first and second. (Can I just have one, please, before all you breeders start planning for your next one?)
And when people were going to start trying to having a baby. "We're going to start in August." (And you'll probably be pregnant by the end of the year.)
And how one baby is getting teeth and the other one is walking. (I got nothing on that one, just sadness for myself.)
I went to read my Rochester friends' blog -- and shouldn't have since it's all about the little girl they just adopted. Probably not the best reading in my current mood. She's thisclose to crawling, and eating new foods and has new teeth. And I'm so happy for them -- and so sad and jealous.
It's one of those nights when I'm hoping for no baby-related shows, an easy fall to sleep, and a restful night. I have yoga tomorrow, and I'm hoping to be out of this mood by then.
I have my blood test on Thursday. I'm feeling indifferent. Some twinges, less than last month, but then again, I wasn't pregnant last month.
I'm so tempted to buy an HPT, but I won't.
But I want to.
Today was one of those days.
A group of us went to lunch today and on the way drive back to work, it was nothing but babies.
And the right amount of years between the first and second. (Can I just have one, please, before all you breeders start planning for your next one?)
And when people were going to start trying to having a baby. "We're going to start in August." (And you'll probably be pregnant by the end of the year.)
And how one baby is getting teeth and the other one is walking. (I got nothing on that one, just sadness for myself.)
I went to read my Rochester friends' blog -- and shouldn't have since it's all about the little girl they just adopted. Probably not the best reading in my current mood. She's thisclose to crawling, and eating new foods and has new teeth. And I'm so happy for them -- and so sad and jealous.
It's one of those nights when I'm hoping for no baby-related shows, an easy fall to sleep, and a restful night. I have yoga tomorrow, and I'm hoping to be out of this mood by then.
I have my blood test on Thursday. I'm feeling indifferent. Some twinges, less than last month, but then again, I wasn't pregnant last month.
I'm so tempted to buy an HPT, but I won't.
But I want to.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Visualize...and Make it Happen
FG offered a class in making vision boards last week. It was at the same time as yoga, and not really wanting to be the only single one there, I opted to go to yoga. But that's not to say that I totally give up on the vision board idea.
Two procedures ago, he told me to visualize. "See what you want. Imagine what you will get. Think about a beautiful healthy baby. See your child." And so, I found this picture in a magazine and though, not every night, I try to look at this picture often.
I don't know what my child will look like. I only know that when I saw this picture in a magazine, it made me think of what my child could look like.
I showed FG two weeks ago when I went in for my IUI. He looked at the picture and grabbed my hand. "I have chills."
And for those who don't know what I look like, here is a picture of me at about 2 1/2.
Two procedures ago, he told me to visualize. "See what you want. Imagine what you will get. Think about a beautiful healthy baby. See your child." And so, I found this picture in a magazine and though, not every night, I try to look at this picture often.
I don't know what my child will look like. I only know that when I saw this picture in a magazine, it made me think of what my child could look like.
I showed FG two weeks ago when I went in for my IUI. He looked at the picture and grabbed my hand. "I have chills."
And for those who don't know what I look like, here is a picture of me at about 2 1/2.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
The Year in Review: 2009 (so far)
January 2 -- hCG levels 130 -- positive
January 6 -- hCG levels 455 -- still positive, officially pregnant
January 7 -- Acupuncture
January 14 -- Acupuncture
January 20 -- Six-week ultrasound, see heart beat
January 21 -- Acupuncture
January 27 -- Seven-week ultrasound, no heart beat
January 30 -- D&C. Failure #9
February 9 -- Follow-up appointment in Syracuse
February 16 -- Blood work, hCG levels still visable
February 23 -- Blood work, hCG levels still visable
March 2 -- Blood work, hCG levels finally stabilize
March 4 -- Acupuncture
March 31 -- Baseline U/S and blood work; Acupuncture
April 2 -- Begin daily medications: injectables (in stomach) -- Gonal-F, Menopur, Lupron
April 6 -- U/S and blood work
April 7 -- Acupuncture
April 8 -- U/S and blood work
April 10 -- U/S and blood work
April 13 -- U/S and blood work
April 15 -- U/S and blood work
April 17 -- U/S and blood work
April 18 -- U/S and blood work
April 20 -- U/S and blood work
April 23 -- Acupuncture
April 24 -- Egg retrieval -- four eggs; acupuncture pre- and post-retrieval
April 25 -- Embryologist called, two embryos; begin daily medication: injectables(in stomach) -- Lovenox, (intra-muscular) progesterone in oil; three progesterone suppositories daily
April 27 -- Three embryos transferred (there was a late bloomer that decided to fertilize); acupuncture pre- and post-transfer; IVF #4
April 30 -- Acupuncture
May 7 -- Acupuncture
May 8 -- Negative test. Failure #10
May 15 -- Baseline U/S and blood work
May 16 -- Begin daily medications: injectables (in stomach) – Gonal-F, Menopur, Lupron
May 19 -- Yoga for Fertility class
May 20 -- U/S and blood work
May 21 -- Acupuncture
May 22 -- U/S and blood work
May 25 -- U/S and blood work
May 26 -- Yoga for Fertility Class
May 27 -- U/S and blood work
May 29 -- U/S and blood work; acupuncture
June 1 -- U/S and blood work
June 2 -- Yoga; Spotting
June 3 -- U/S and blood work; Decide to go with IUI this month
June 4 -- IUI #7; Acupuncture
June 5 -- Acupuncture
June 7 -- Begin daily medications: injectables (in stomach) Lovonox, (intramuscular) progesterone in oil; three progesterone suppositories
January 6 -- hCG levels 455 -- still positive, officially pregnant
January 7 -- Acupuncture
January 14 -- Acupuncture
January 20 -- Six-week ultrasound, see heart beat
January 21 -- Acupuncture
January 27 -- Seven-week ultrasound, no heart beat
January 30 -- D&C. Failure #9
February 9 -- Follow-up appointment in Syracuse
February 16 -- Blood work, hCG levels still visable
February 23 -- Blood work, hCG levels still visable
March 2 -- Blood work, hCG levels finally stabilize
March 4 -- Acupuncture
March 31 -- Baseline U/S and blood work; Acupuncture
April 2 -- Begin daily medications: injectables (in stomach) -- Gonal-F, Menopur, Lupron
April 6 -- U/S and blood work
April 7 -- Acupuncture
April 8 -- U/S and blood work
April 10 -- U/S and blood work
April 13 -- U/S and blood work
April 15 -- U/S and blood work
April 17 -- U/S and blood work
April 18 -- U/S and blood work
April 20 -- U/S and blood work
April 23 -- Acupuncture
April 24 -- Egg retrieval -- four eggs; acupuncture pre- and post-retrieval
April 25 -- Embryologist called, two embryos; begin daily medication: injectables(in stomach) -- Lovenox, (intra-muscular) progesterone in oil; three progesterone suppositories daily
April 27 -- Three embryos transferred (there was a late bloomer that decided to fertilize); acupuncture pre- and post-transfer; IVF #4
April 30 -- Acupuncture
May 7 -- Acupuncture
May 8 -- Negative test. Failure #10
May 15 -- Baseline U/S and blood work
May 16 -- Begin daily medications: injectables (in stomach) – Gonal-F, Menopur, Lupron
May 19 -- Yoga for Fertility class
May 20 -- U/S and blood work
May 21 -- Acupuncture
May 22 -- U/S and blood work
May 25 -- U/S and blood work
May 26 -- Yoga for Fertility Class
May 27 -- U/S and blood work
May 29 -- U/S and blood work; acupuncture
June 1 -- U/S and blood work
June 2 -- Yoga; Spotting
June 3 -- U/S and blood work; Decide to go with IUI this month
June 4 -- IUI #7; Acupuncture
June 5 -- Acupuncture
June 7 -- Begin daily medications: injectables (in stomach) Lovonox, (intramuscular) progesterone in oil; three progesterone suppositories
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Doing it Old School
I went for my IUI today. Sixteen point eight million sperm were inserted into my uterus. I had acupuncture before and after. And then I came home and rested. I've got four good follicles on the right side, three C-grade on the left. And 16.8 million sperm! Could just one of them buy one of my girls a drink? Please? It's a sure bet.
When I was getting dressed, I heard the FG's voice in the hallway. I opened the door and he gave me a hug. "You could be pregnant right now."
"I don't know if they swim that fast."
"You need to think pregnant. Are you visualizing? Are you praying? Are you chanting? Are you relaxing? Are you thinking about what you want? It will come to you, or something better. What is meant to be yours, will be."
Just once, I want to lay my head on his lap, have him stroke my hair, and listen to him tell me about what it's like to live in his world. I want to know what it's like to live in a world where you are so happy and positive. All the time. Just being around makes me feel like I can be that positive.
I had a professor in college. I took all of his classes. And I wanted to marry him. I wasn't attracted to him. I was inspired by him. Whenever I left his class, I would get two feet out the door and I would have to stop and write down a million things that I wanted to write about, thoughts I had in my head.
That's the way I feel about the FG. I'm attracted to his mind and his spirit. And his willingness to do so much for so many people to help them fulfill their dreams.
When I walked through the waiting room, I saw someone I knew from high school. He said hi, so I stopped and said hi.
What exactly is the etiquette when you see someone at the fertility specialist's office anyway? As I was driving home I thought about it, and likened it to running into someone you know at the naughty store. You're both embarrassed and then you realize that you're both there for the same reason. We talked for a few minutes, he introduced me to his wife and then I was off to acupuncture.
I listened to my yoga CD on the drive home. Stayed relaxed. Tried to think pregnant. And then a deer started to run across the highway. I slowed down and I now know where the expression "deer in the headlights" comes from. She just stood there, until I beeped my horn and she ran back into the woods. I saved a life today. Always a good thing.
I rested all afternoon. I thought good thoughts. I have tomorrow off, though I will need to go up to the office to get some work to do over the weekend. Other than writing a couple of articles for a newsletter, it's going to be a low-key weekend, letting these millions of little guys try to find their way to one of my girls.
When I was getting dressed, I heard the FG's voice in the hallway. I opened the door and he gave me a hug. "You could be pregnant right now."
"I don't know if they swim that fast."
"You need to think pregnant. Are you visualizing? Are you praying? Are you chanting? Are you relaxing? Are you thinking about what you want? It will come to you, or something better. What is meant to be yours, will be."
Just once, I want to lay my head on his lap, have him stroke my hair, and listen to him tell me about what it's like to live in his world. I want to know what it's like to live in a world where you are so happy and positive. All the time. Just being around makes me feel like I can be that positive.
I had a professor in college. I took all of his classes. And I wanted to marry him. I wasn't attracted to him. I was inspired by him. Whenever I left his class, I would get two feet out the door and I would have to stop and write down a million things that I wanted to write about, thoughts I had in my head.
That's the way I feel about the FG. I'm attracted to his mind and his spirit. And his willingness to do so much for so many people to help them fulfill their dreams.
When I walked through the waiting room, I saw someone I knew from high school. He said hi, so I stopped and said hi.
What exactly is the etiquette when you see someone at the fertility specialist's office anyway? As I was driving home I thought about it, and likened it to running into someone you know at the naughty store. You're both embarrassed and then you realize that you're both there for the same reason. We talked for a few minutes, he introduced me to his wife and then I was off to acupuncture.
I listened to my yoga CD on the drive home. Stayed relaxed. Tried to think pregnant. And then a deer started to run across the highway. I slowed down and I now know where the expression "deer in the headlights" comes from. She just stood there, until I beeped my horn and she ran back into the woods. I saved a life today. Always a good thing.
I rested all afternoon. I thought good thoughts. I have tomorrow off, though I will need to go up to the office to get some work to do over the weekend. Other than writing a couple of articles for a newsletter, it's going to be a low-key weekend, letting these millions of little guys try to find their way to one of my girls.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
IVF vs IUI
I drove to Syracuse for yoga last night. When I got there, I noticed a little cramping in my stomach but thought that it was probably follicle growth. And didn't think about it again.
When I was driving home, I stopped for something to eat, and then a little while later noticed that my stomach hurt. More like I shouldn't have eaten McDonald's than anything else. Again, I didn't think anything of it.
I got home about 9pm, utterly exhausted at the prospect of doing anything other than falling into my bed. But, given that I had to leave my house at 6:15am to go back to Syracuse for a follicle check, I dragged myself into the shower. At least with a full shower and my hair out of the way, I would only have to take a quick jump in the shower in the morning.
And then I noticed it. The faintest of spotting. WTF?! I tried not to freak out. Spotting happens. It doesn't mean anything. I woke up twice in the middle of the night and checked. Nothing.
And then this morning, it was back again. The lightest and fairest amount while still existing. I thought about what it meant all the way to Syracuse. Three weeks of shots. Driving 60 miles round-trip every other day. Another month of waiting for this to just be over. All the way to Syracuse.
When I got to the doctor's office, I burst into tears as soon as the first nurse closed the exam door and asked how I was. "I think I'm getting my period." She calmly told me it could be the hormones, that my blood levels haven't indicated that I ovulated, that let's take it one step at a time and see what the ultrasound looked like and what my levels were today.
She then took my blood pressure, which is usually in the 100/70 or 95/66 range. Today? 141/100. Clearly I had gotten myself worked up.
Donna -- the nurse who has been monitoring me and doing all my ultrasounds -- came in and was just as calm as Cory had been. Lining looks good. Follicles still really full. But the blood work will be the determining factor.
We talked about options. Because it's my last IVF, we might not want to do that since the conditions aren't perfect. But she was concerned about this also being the last of my sperm. Not the case -- the donor I am using has more available. So she floated the idea of an IUI out there. Interesting.
(IUI is inter-uterine insemination and what I did for my first six attempts. They put the sperm directly into my uterus using a catheter, rather than retrieve the eggs and put embryos back in with IVF.)
She told me to get dressed and relax. She would call me once she got the blood work back. I managed to calm down on my way back to Ithaca. I listened to my yoga CD, cried only a few times, and by the time I got to work, I felt better.
Donna called around lunchtime. Was I still spotting? A little, but not that much. It hadn't worsened in any event. My blood levels indicated that I did not ovulate. "What do you want to do?"
"I'd be willing to do IUI this month."
"Good, that's what I think we should do too."
And so (unless I actually start bleeding tonight) the last three weeks of shots and trips to Syracuse and hormones and the anticipation and preparation aren't wasted. And it means two more tries, not one. Because if the IUI doesn't work, I still have the IVF to do.
So tomorrow? What else? Back to Syracuse. Acupuncture first, then the procedure, then another round of acupuncture. And then I'm going to take tomorrow and Friday off to lay low. And rest. And think good pregnancy thoughts.
When I was driving home, I stopped for something to eat, and then a little while later noticed that my stomach hurt. More like I shouldn't have eaten McDonald's than anything else. Again, I didn't think anything of it.
I got home about 9pm, utterly exhausted at the prospect of doing anything other than falling into my bed. But, given that I had to leave my house at 6:15am to go back to Syracuse for a follicle check, I dragged myself into the shower. At least with a full shower and my hair out of the way, I would only have to take a quick jump in the shower in the morning.
And then I noticed it. The faintest of spotting. WTF?! I tried not to freak out. Spotting happens. It doesn't mean anything. I woke up twice in the middle of the night and checked. Nothing.
And then this morning, it was back again. The lightest and fairest amount while still existing. I thought about what it meant all the way to Syracuse. Three weeks of shots. Driving 60 miles round-trip every other day. Another month of waiting for this to just be over. All the way to Syracuse.
When I got to the doctor's office, I burst into tears as soon as the first nurse closed the exam door and asked how I was. "I think I'm getting my period." She calmly told me it could be the hormones, that my blood levels haven't indicated that I ovulated, that let's take it one step at a time and see what the ultrasound looked like and what my levels were today.
She then took my blood pressure, which is usually in the 100/70 or 95/66 range. Today? 141/100. Clearly I had gotten myself worked up.
Donna -- the nurse who has been monitoring me and doing all my ultrasounds -- came in and was just as calm as Cory had been. Lining looks good. Follicles still really full. But the blood work will be the determining factor.
We talked about options. Because it's my last IVF, we might not want to do that since the conditions aren't perfect. But she was concerned about this also being the last of my sperm. Not the case -- the donor I am using has more available. So she floated the idea of an IUI out there. Interesting.
(IUI is inter-uterine insemination and what I did for my first six attempts. They put the sperm directly into my uterus using a catheter, rather than retrieve the eggs and put embryos back in with IVF.)
She told me to get dressed and relax. She would call me once she got the blood work back. I managed to calm down on my way back to Ithaca. I listened to my yoga CD, cried only a few times, and by the time I got to work, I felt better.
Donna called around lunchtime. Was I still spotting? A little, but not that much. It hadn't worsened in any event. My blood levels indicated that I did not ovulate. "What do you want to do?"
"I'd be willing to do IUI this month."
"Good, that's what I think we should do too."
And so (unless I actually start bleeding tonight) the last three weeks of shots and trips to Syracuse and hormones and the anticipation and preparation aren't wasted. And it means two more tries, not one. Because if the IUI doesn't work, I still have the IVF to do.
So tomorrow? What else? Back to Syracuse. Acupuncture first, then the procedure, then another round of acupuncture. And then I'm going to take tomorrow and Friday off to lay low. And rest. And think good pregnancy thoughts.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Not the Fastest Growing Follicles
I went back to Syracuse this morning, for what I was hoping was the last follicle check. Not so fast. "You're not going to win any contests for the fastest-growing follicles, but they're close..."
The left ovary is still pretty sluggish -- the three follicles in 11-13mm at best. The right is very close. One of the four is 19mm, and the rest are right behind it. More shooting up tonight and tomorrow, and back to the doctor on Wednesday.
At this appointment, the nurse guessed that possibly Friday could be retrieval day.
So yoga tomorrow night, and back on Wednesday.
The left ovary is still pretty sluggish -- the three follicles in 11-13mm at best. The right is very close. One of the four is 19mm, and the rest are right behind it. More shooting up tonight and tomorrow, and back to the doctor on Wednesday.
At this appointment, the nurse guessed that possibly Friday could be retrieval day.
So yoga tomorrow night, and back on Wednesday.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Getting Bigger
I had yoga in Syracuse last night, and then went up there again this morning for a follicle check. Before leaving the house this morning, I changed my clothes several times, looked at my belly in the mirror and finally pulled a maternity top out of the clothes my niece gave me.
Even if I'm never pregnant, I know what I look like. The good news, I have actually lost a pound this month; the bad, I look five months pregnant. Thankfully I could sit at my desk most of the day once I got to work.
The doctor appointment went well -- my biggest follicle is 15mm and the rest are coming up behind it. So I'll go back on Friday, and the nurse said that my retrieval could be as early as Monday or Tuesday next week.
Even if I'm never pregnant, I know what I look like. The good news, I have actually lost a pound this month; the bad, I look five months pregnant. Thankfully I could sit at my desk most of the day once I got to work.
The doctor appointment went well -- my biggest follicle is 15mm and the rest are coming up behind it. So I'll go back on Friday, and the nurse said that my retrieval could be as early as Monday or Tuesday next week.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Sluggish
That was the word the nurse used today when she looked at my left ovary. The follicles in the right seem to be growing, but the left ovary looks "sluggish," so they've upped my Gonal-F from 450 to 600. Can't wait to experience the side effects. I go back on Wednesday for another follicle check. At this point, I'm guessing retrieval at the end of next week.
I talked to my sister over the weekend. It was her birthday and she's getting ready for my parents' visit. I told her about how our dad's mouth and bigotry has gotten worse over the past year. And whether he says things to get a rise out of me or it really is just old age, it still pisses me off and embarrasses me. How the "n" word comes out of his mouth, even though I've told both of my parents that it bothers me, especially given my upcoming choices related to adoption.
This is my last month to give him a white grandchild, most likely. And would I love to get pregnant this month? More than anything. And it has absolutely nothing to do with it being a white child, it has to do with wanting to experience being pregnant, to understand that special feeling and privilege that comes with being a pregnant woman.
If I don't get pregnant, I will see what options I have through DSS and simultaneously move forward with private adoption. My options as single woman are the United States (although I'm not sure what exactly that means), Ethiopia, Nepal and Kazakhstan.
Kazakhstan requires two trips; not really feasible in my situation. So maybe the United States (and almost certainly a child of color), Nepal and Ethiopia. Any would be absolutely fine with me. And whether or not, it's fine with my father, I will try not to care.
I talked to my sister over the weekend. It was her birthday and she's getting ready for my parents' visit. I told her about how our dad's mouth and bigotry has gotten worse over the past year. And whether he says things to get a rise out of me or it really is just old age, it still pisses me off and embarrasses me. How the "n" word comes out of his mouth, even though I've told both of my parents that it bothers me, especially given my upcoming choices related to adoption.
This is my last month to give him a white grandchild, most likely. And would I love to get pregnant this month? More than anything. And it has absolutely nothing to do with it being a white child, it has to do with wanting to experience being pregnant, to understand that special feeling and privilege that comes with being a pregnant woman.
If I don't get pregnant, I will see what options I have through DSS and simultaneously move forward with private adoption. My options as single woman are the United States (although I'm not sure what exactly that means), Ethiopia, Nepal and Kazakhstan.
Kazakhstan requires two trips; not really feasible in my situation. So maybe the United States (and almost certainly a child of color), Nepal and Ethiopia. Any would be absolutely fine with me. And whether or not, it's fine with my father, I will try not to care.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Winding Down
My follicles are slow-growing, but everyone at the FG's office is so great. "It's okay, slow and steady wins the race." It made me feel better when even I could tell on the ultrasound that there was little change from Wednesday to Friday. But there are seven, so I'll take that as a good sign.
The baseball game last night was great. And at one point, I realized that I had been so into the game and keeping score and enjoying my friends, that I had actually not thought about the baby project for like four or five innings. Amazing.
Today my sister, niece and nephews came to visit. It was so much fun. We went to Buttermilk Falls, had a picnic of Subway and McDonald's and then played on the playground for an hour. Once they left, I had a marathon of laundry-washing, grocery shopping, and banking -- and home in time for the Yankees-Phillies game.
Laundry put away, fruit and veggies cut up and in the fridge, sheets changed. Tomorrow, clean and steam the rugs, mop the floors and take a nap. :)
The baseball game last night was great. And at one point, I realized that I had been so into the game and keeping score and enjoying my friends, that I had actually not thought about the baby project for like four or five innings. Amazing.
Today my sister, niece and nephews came to visit. It was so much fun. We went to Buttermilk Falls, had a picnic of Subway and McDonald's and then played on the playground for an hour. Once they left, I had a marathon of laundry-washing, grocery shopping, and banking -- and home in time for the Yankees-Phillies game.
Laundry put away, fruit and veggies cut up and in the fridge, sheets changed. Tomorrow, clean and steam the rugs, mop the floors and take a nap. :)
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
A Whirlwind Week
Sunday, I worked all day. It was commencement, and I was responsible for getting the pictures immediately from the photographers and uploading them to the website.
Monday, I met my parents for dinner after work. They are leaving for San Diego next week for vacation and wanted to see me.
Tuesday, I left work early to head up to Syracuse for yoga for fertility class at the FG's office. It was really great. I enjoyed it a lot. And given that this is my last show, I'm trying to do everything I can, giving myself the best chance to get pregnant this month.
After class, I stopped at Gannon's (one of my favorite places in Syracuse) for ice cream and drove home. Got home about 8:15, jumped in the shower, fell asleep to the Yankees game by 9:15.
This morning I was awake at 5am, out of bed at 5:30 and out the door at 6. Back to Syracuse for a follicle check. I decided -- again, because this is the last month -- that I would do my follicle checks in Syracuse. Last month dragged on too long, and maybe things would have been different if FG's office had been monitoring me instead of my local doctor sending reports up. I had at 7:30 appointment and was at my desk by a little after 9. After work tonight, I have an appointment with Lucia at 5:30. It will be an even earlier night to bed tonight.
Tomorrow, I've got acupuncture at 4, and meeting a friend for dinner at 6. Friday morning, another trip to Syracuse, for an 8am appointment. Friday night, B-Mets game in Binghamton. Saturday, my niece and sister are coming down for the day. And Monday, my bonus day off, I have to go back to Syracuse for an 8:30 appointment.
Sometime in there, I have to do laundry and clean the house. And I'm definitely going to need a nap, at least one day.
I'm tired just thinking about it, and just want to put my head down.
Monday, I met my parents for dinner after work. They are leaving for San Diego next week for vacation and wanted to see me.
Tuesday, I left work early to head up to Syracuse for yoga for fertility class at the FG's office. It was really great. I enjoyed it a lot. And given that this is my last show, I'm trying to do everything I can, giving myself the best chance to get pregnant this month.
After class, I stopped at Gannon's (one of my favorite places in Syracuse) for ice cream and drove home. Got home about 8:15, jumped in the shower, fell asleep to the Yankees game by 9:15.
This morning I was awake at 5am, out of bed at 5:30 and out the door at 6. Back to Syracuse for a follicle check. I decided -- again, because this is the last month -- that I would do my follicle checks in Syracuse. Last month dragged on too long, and maybe things would have been different if FG's office had been monitoring me instead of my local doctor sending reports up. I had at 7:30 appointment and was at my desk by a little after 9. After work tonight, I have an appointment with Lucia at 5:30. It will be an even earlier night to bed tonight.
Tomorrow, I've got acupuncture at 4, and meeting a friend for dinner at 6. Friday morning, another trip to Syracuse, for an 8am appointment. Friday night, B-Mets game in Binghamton. Saturday, my niece and sister are coming down for the day. And Monday, my bonus day off, I have to go back to Syracuse for an 8:30 appointment.
Sometime in there, I have to do laundry and clean the house. And I'm definitely going to need a nap, at least one day.
I'm tired just thinking about it, and just want to put my head down.
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Shooting Up Already
I went in yesterday for my baseline ultrasound and blood work. I start with the ovary stimulants tonight. Still on 450 of the Gonal-F, but they are doubling the Menopur (from 75 to 150). I gained eight pounds in 11 days last month -- I'm so looking forward to what the drugs will do to my body this month.
I weighed myself the other day, pre-period, and I am officially up 34 pounds from the start of all of this. I know. I know. It doesn't matter. But it does. It's so hard to get dressed each day. It's so hard to feel good about myself in clothes other than sweatpants and jeans.
But this is it. I'm either pregnant this month or I start working out hard-core with Adam again. And that's that.
I weighed myself the other day, pre-period, and I am officially up 34 pounds from the start of all of this. I know. I know. It doesn't matter. But it does. It's so hard to get dressed each day. It's so hard to feel good about myself in clothes other than sweatpants and jeans.
But this is it. I'm either pregnant this month or I start working out hard-core with Adam again. And that's that.
Friday, May 8, 2009
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
A Late Bloomer
I went to Syracuse yesterday for the embryo transfer, still a little down about only four eggs and two embryos. FG walked and said, "we've got three beautiful embryos."
Both Jill and I said, "no, two."
"No, three. One more decided to grow." And I started to cry, and as FG does so well, he held my hand, hugged me and talked about God's plan and visually what it is I want, a beautiful baby. He spent a good five to seven minutes with me -- an eternity for someone as busy as he is -- and then his parting words.
"Remember God gives us what we ask for...and sometimes something better."
And so I visualized on Hope, Faith and Bob -- my three beautiful embryos -- and the goal. A beautiful, healthy baby.
The transfer went really well, and by the time I left my second acupuncture session of the day, my mood did a complete 180. I have hope again, I have a positive attitude. And right now, I have three lives inside of me. And right now, at least one of them is burrowing in and getting ready for the next nine months.
Both Jill and I said, "no, two."
"No, three. One more decided to grow." And I started to cry, and as FG does so well, he held my hand, hugged me and talked about God's plan and visually what it is I want, a beautiful baby. He spent a good five to seven minutes with me -- an eternity for someone as busy as he is -- and then his parting words.
"Remember God gives us what we ask for...and sometimes something better."
And so I visualized on Hope, Faith and Bob -- my three beautiful embryos -- and the goal. A beautiful, healthy baby.
The transfer went really well, and by the time I left my second acupuncture session of the day, my mood did a complete 180. I have hope again, I have a positive attitude. And right now, I have three lives inside of me. And right now, at least one of them is burrowing in and getting ready for the next nine months.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Putting all my eggs in one basket
I went to Syracuse yesterday for my retrieval. After three weeks of injections and nine ultrasounds, after two months of waiting to get back on the horse following the miscarriage, it was finally time.
Hope went with me to drive me home following the procedure. She had never been with me to one of these appointments, but I've told her so much, she knew what to expect. They let her stay in the room with me while I was out and they did the actual retrieval. So she was right there when I woke up.
Four eggs. I felt like I got punched in the stomach. Four? Only four? Hope told me that embryologist said they looked really good, that I should get three or four embryos from them. I was disappointed, but tried to remain positive.
We continued with our adventure, over to the office next door for acupuncture, and then headed south back home. I had lunch with Heather and then did a little grocery shopping. By that point, I was worn out and a little crampy. I needed to remember that even though I recover from this procedure much better than anyone ever expects, I still had a surgical procedure done. I went home, put the freezer and fridge stuff away and left the rest on the counter, before climbing into my chair and sleeping for the next three hours.
I alternatively felt sorry for myself and my four eggs and tried to think positively -- I only need one embryo to get pregnant. Still, being able to put two or three in would increase my chances.
I went to bed early last night, still tired.
I had foster care class this morning. Already in week 8. I'm actually going to get through these 11 weeks -- wow. I had my phone on vibrate and the FG's office called about 10:30.
"They injected all four eggs and two fertilized, so that's great. You've got two embryos."
It's better than one or none. But again, disappointment. This shows me that my quality egg reserve is not-so-slowly dwindling. My first retrieval was seven eggs, and netted five embryos. The second retrieval was seven eggs, three embryos. This time, four and two.
Hope went with me to drive me home following the procedure. She had never been with me to one of these appointments, but I've told her so much, she knew what to expect. They let her stay in the room with me while I was out and they did the actual retrieval. So she was right there when I woke up.
Four eggs. I felt like I got punched in the stomach. Four? Only four? Hope told me that embryologist said they looked really good, that I should get three or four embryos from them. I was disappointed, but tried to remain positive.
We continued with our adventure, over to the office next door for acupuncture, and then headed south back home. I had lunch with Heather and then did a little grocery shopping. By that point, I was worn out and a little crampy. I needed to remember that even though I recover from this procedure much better than anyone ever expects, I still had a surgical procedure done. I went home, put the freezer and fridge stuff away and left the rest on the counter, before climbing into my chair and sleeping for the next three hours.
I alternatively felt sorry for myself and my four eggs and tried to think positively -- I only need one embryo to get pregnant. Still, being able to put two or three in would increase my chances.
I went to bed early last night, still tired.
I had foster care class this morning. Already in week 8. I'm actually going to get through these 11 weeks -- wow. I had my phone on vibrate and the FG's office called about 10:30.
"They injected all four eggs and two fertilized, so that's great. You've got two embryos."
It's better than one or none. But again, disappointment. This shows me that my quality egg reserve is not-so-slowly dwindling. My first retrieval was seven eggs, and netted five embryos. The second retrieval was seven eggs, three embryos. This time, four and two.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Is it Friday yet?
Another trip to Syracuse yesterday and the follicles are growing slowly, but steadily. With three mature, and the other four lagging behind, they've scheduled me for retrieval on Friday. Finally!
I had to do shots last night and tonight, and then blood work (but no U/S) tomorrow. Tomorrow night at precisely 9pm, I will do the trigger shots (hCG, to start the egg release), nothing on Thursday, and then Friday the big day.
I gotta tell you, last week at this time, I didn't know if it would ever get here. Fingers crossed that he can pull out a lot of good eggs.
I had to do shots last night and tonight, and then blood work (but no U/S) tomorrow. Tomorrow night at precisely 9pm, I will do the trigger shots (hCG, to start the egg release), nothing on Thursday, and then Friday the big day.
I gotta tell you, last week at this time, I didn't know if it would ever get here. Fingers crossed that he can pull out a lot of good eggs.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Retrieval and a UTI
Lucky me! I drove up to Syracuse this morning for my U/S at the FG's office. They immediately saw things differently than my local doctor's office. I guess the follicles are clustered and on top of each other, so I have more mature than two and they think I will be ready for retrieval on Wednesday. I will continue shooting up tonight and tomorrow, and then back to Syracuse for another U/S on Monday morning.
I also noticed Wednesday night (when I got up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night) an unusual irritation. I hadn't had a yeast infection since college, but I was remembering this was what it was like. It wasn't constant, really just when I went to the bathroom. I mentioned it to the doctor's office yesterday and they said yes that could very well be the case because of all the extra hormones, that if I could stick it out one more night they would test me this morning.
They did a urine test, and there were in fact leukocytes in the urine, indicating not a yeast infection, but the start of an urinary tract infection. So I'm on antibiotics for 10 days. And I'm drinking lots of cranberry juice.
I also noticed Wednesday night (when I got up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night) an unusual irritation. I hadn't had a yeast infection since college, but I was remembering this was what it was like. It wasn't constant, really just when I went to the bathroom. I mentioned it to the doctor's office yesterday and they said yes that could very well be the case because of all the extra hormones, that if I could stick it out one more night they would test me this morning.
They did a urine test, and there were in fact leukocytes in the urine, indicating not a yeast infection, but the start of an urinary tract infection. So I'm on antibiotics for 10 days. And I'm drinking lots of cranberry juice.
Friday, April 17, 2009
TGIF
I went for my U/S this morning -- the 7th one in less than three weeks -- and blood work. I have two follicles over 20mm, the rest are still pretty small, in the 12-14mm range.
Because I go locally for the U/S and the information gets faxed to Syracuse to the Fertility Guru, they in FG's office are not actually seeing the U/S pictures, just the measurements. I usually hear from the FG's office in the afternoon, but I was barely at my desk this morning when my phone rang.
They are concerned with the lack of growth, and according to my blood work and my hormone levels, the follicles should be much bigger. "Can you come to Syracuse tomorrow so we can see for ourselves what's going on?"
So I get to skip foster care class and drive up to Syracuse for a 9:15 appointment. I have no idea what this means, if they will be scrapping this month or we'll continue with shots and wait for more growth or they'll go in for the two that are mature. Who knows? I've given up trying to guess on what I know from past cycles. We've already determined that this month is nothing like any other cycle.
Because I go locally for the U/S and the information gets faxed to Syracuse to the Fertility Guru, they in FG's office are not actually seeing the U/S pictures, just the measurements. I usually hear from the FG's office in the afternoon, but I was barely at my desk this morning when my phone rang.
They are concerned with the lack of growth, and according to my blood work and my hormone levels, the follicles should be much bigger. "Can you come to Syracuse tomorrow so we can see for ourselves what's going on?"
So I get to skip foster care class and drive up to Syracuse for a 9:15 appointment. I have no idea what this means, if they will be scrapping this month or we'll continue with shots and wait for more growth or they'll go in for the two that are mature. Who knows? I've given up trying to guess on what I know from past cycles. We've already determined that this month is nothing like any other cycle.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Black and blue
Tomorrow night will be two weeks since I started this round of shots -- three sticks a night, including the new medicine which stings like a mother fucker. And the needle, even though it's only subcutaneous, is longer than the others. And I usually end up bleeding a little with that stick. And what that means is this...
This week the follicle are continuing to grow, but they're taking their own sweet time. I thought for sure today (and thought the same thing on Monday) that this would be it, it would be time to start preparing for the retrieval. This morning, I had two that were 20mm (that's the magic number) but they want to give the others more time to grow since they are only in the 12 to 14mm range. So two more nights of injections, and more blood work (my arm is bruised, as well) and another ultrasound on Friday.
Maybe retrieval on Monday or Tuesday?
This week the follicle are continuing to grow, but they're taking their own sweet time. I thought for sure today (and thought the same thing on Monday) that this would be it, it would be time to start preparing for the retrieval. This morning, I had two that were 20mm (that's the magic number) but they want to give the others more time to grow since they are only in the 12 to 14mm range. So two more nights of injections, and more blood work (my arm is bruised, as well) and another ultrasound on Friday.
Maybe retrieval on Monday or Tuesday?
Sunday, April 12, 2009
My Last Day at 38
Happy birthday (almost) to me. I like to think of my birthday as my New Year's. It's a time to be reflective, it's a time to think about the last year, and a time to think about the coming year and all I want to accomplish.
Same as last year -- I've spent the past year focusing on trying to get pregnant. And same as last year -- I will spend the next year focusing on much of the same. Although the difference is, by the time my 40th birthday rolls around, I will know one way or another....I will have a baby of my own, or I will be working on adopting.
And by the time my 40th birthday rolls around (unless I've just given birth in the past few months), I want to be back in my skinny clothes. I want to get rid of this pudgy stomach and muffin top. I want to look the way I used to in a pair of jeans.
And I hope that by the time my 40th birthday rolls around, I will be happy turning 40, that I will accept 40 with grace, honor and happiness.
Having accomplished at least one of the goals above will go a long way in helping me meet 40 with these virtues.
Same as last year -- I've spent the past year focusing on trying to get pregnant. And same as last year -- I will spend the next year focusing on much of the same. Although the difference is, by the time my 40th birthday rolls around, I will know one way or another....I will have a baby of my own, or I will be working on adopting.
And by the time my 40th birthday rolls around (unless I've just given birth in the past few months), I want to be back in my skinny clothes. I want to get rid of this pudgy stomach and muffin top. I want to look the way I used to in a pair of jeans.
And I hope that by the time my 40th birthday rolls around, I will be happy turning 40, that I will accept 40 with grace, honor and happiness.
Having accomplished at least one of the goals above will go a long way in helping me meet 40 with these virtues.
Friday, April 10, 2009
And we keep going....
I had an ultrasound this morning. The missing follicles are still missing -- either the egg released (that's U/S tech's best guess) or it just disintegrated or got smaller (my guess) -- but there are seven total. Most are in the 10-11mm range.
The tech pissed me off, because even after telling me that she was sure the eggs must have released and I told her my blood levels were nowhere near ovulatory, she said, well, I don't know that they're going to tell you, probably will have you scrap this month.
So that was my mood all morning. Worrying about another month going by, wondering why my body isn't responding to the meds the way it has in the past, and especially since I'm on more than usual. And then the doctor's office called me why I was in "stitch and bitch" (a group of ladies brings their knitting and I bring my quilting, and we stitch and bitch during lunch on Fridays) to tell me to keep going with the same doses and go back in on Monday for another follicle check.
So we're still going. I'm bloated as all hell, but I keep telling myself it will be worth it. It's good practice to look four months pregnant even when I'm not, right?
The Yankees are on at 4:10 today, so my goal for the gym while I watch the game is four miles in under 50 minutes.
The tech pissed me off, because even after telling me that she was sure the eggs must have released and I told her my blood levels were nowhere near ovulatory, she said, well, I don't know that they're going to tell you, probably will have you scrap this month.
So that was my mood all morning. Worrying about another month going by, wondering why my body isn't responding to the meds the way it has in the past, and especially since I'm on more than usual. And then the doctor's office called me why I was in "stitch and bitch" (a group of ladies brings their knitting and I bring my quilting, and we stitch and bitch during lunch on Fridays) to tell me to keep going with the same doses and go back in on Monday for another follicle check.
So we're still going. I'm bloated as all hell, but I keep telling myself it will be worth it. It's good practice to look four months pregnant even when I'm not, right?
The Yankees are on at 4:10 today, so my goal for the gym while I watch the game is four miles in under 50 minutes.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Missing Follicles
I went this morning for a follicle check, and where there were two big ones on Monday, they were missing today. Or smaller. I didn't exactly get the full story, mostly because everyone was perplexed, and apparently had never seen anything like this.
My blood work indicates that I did not ovulate, so I don't have to worry about that, but it is still weird that they aren't there any more. The doctor's office told me to continue with my shots (my stomach looks like a pin cushion, with lots of little red dots where the injections have gone in) and another follicle check on Friday, and we'll see where we are then.
I'm trying not to stress about it, but it's hard. Just once, just once, I would like this to all go routine. I ended up calling my friend April at the end of the day, because I knew she would understand what I'm feeling without me even having to put it into words. She's going through a similar thing and it's just good to hear her voice sometimes.
I also had my home study with DSS tonight. I'm guessing I passed, but she warned me that she wanted me to be realistic and know that the likelihood of being able to adopt a baby (0-2 years) through the system were slim. I know that, but I can't ignore this as an option.
My blood work indicates that I did not ovulate, so I don't have to worry about that, but it is still weird that they aren't there any more. The doctor's office told me to continue with my shots (my stomach looks like a pin cushion, with lots of little red dots where the injections have gone in) and another follicle check on Friday, and we'll see where we are then.
I'm trying not to stress about it, but it's hard. Just once, just once, I would like this to all go routine. I ended up calling my friend April at the end of the day, because I knew she would understand what I'm feeling without me even having to put it into words. She's going through a similar thing and it's just good to hear her voice sometimes.
I also had my home study with DSS tonight. I'm guessing I passed, but she warned me that she wanted me to be realistic and know that the likelihood of being able to adopt a baby (0-2 years) through the system were slim. I know that, but I can't ignore this as an option.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Happy Opening Day!
Life begins on opening day. I'm a little nostalgic for Baltimore today. And I would have been there if I didn't have a doctor's appointment this morning. Baby making takes precedence, even over the Yankees.
I had a follicle check and they were huge after only four days on the meds. I guess that second stimulant has been working. I had six follicles all together -- two in the low teens (in mm) and the rest between 5 and 10mm (18-20 is mature). So I'm just about halfway there.
I'll continue on my same dosage and go again on Wednesday for more blood work and another ultrasound. At this rate, I could have retrieval at the end of the week or on my birthday next Monday.
I'll take it as a good sign.
I had a follicle check and they were huge after only four days on the meds. I guess that second stimulant has been working. I had six follicles all together -- two in the low teens (in mm) and the rest between 5 and 10mm (18-20 is mature). So I'm just about halfway there.
I'll continue on my same dosage and go again on Wednesday for more blood work and another ultrasound. At this rate, I could have retrieval at the end of the week or on my birthday next Monday.
I'll take it as a good sign.
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Foster Care Class, Revisited
I finished week 5 of 11 this morning. It seems to be getting easier. Last week, I stayed after class and spoke with the social workers, sharing my feelings about not having sympathy for the birth parents. They didn't seem to mind, especially given that I want to adopt and won't have to work in partnership with the parents on reunifying the family.
So having had that conversation, going into class this morning was much easier. I even opened up to the class about it when it was appropriate in the conversation. My voice quivered, my eyes watered, but everyone seemed really supportive.
Some people have dropped out and I like the core group of people that we have left. My favorites -- Jason and Jason, a gay couple who are looking to do foster care but eventually want to adopt; Terry and Jennifer, another gay couple, who after my disclosure about my infertility struggles, shared that they had been trying to get pregnant as well and want to adopt; and Rebecca and Mark, a middle-aged couple with teenagers, who seem like they would be the "cool" parents.
I feel a new freedom about it, not worrying about the feelings I have towards the birth parents, worrying that this is a waste of everyone's time for me to be there, worrying about this and that. Today, I didn't worry, and I was back to myself, back to making comments and sharing, joining in, even volunteering for one of the activities.
And even if I don't need to have my baby this way -- the hormones have already bloated me up to a four-months-pregnant belly...I'll take it, it means they are working -- I'm learning good parenting skills, I being exposed to lots of things that I might not otherwise be exposed to, and learning is always a good thing.
So having had that conversation, going into class this morning was much easier. I even opened up to the class about it when it was appropriate in the conversation. My voice quivered, my eyes watered, but everyone seemed really supportive.
Some people have dropped out and I like the core group of people that we have left. My favorites -- Jason and Jason, a gay couple who are looking to do foster care but eventually want to adopt; Terry and Jennifer, another gay couple, who after my disclosure about my infertility struggles, shared that they had been trying to get pregnant as well and want to adopt; and Rebecca and Mark, a middle-aged couple with teenagers, who seem like they would be the "cool" parents.
I feel a new freedom about it, not worrying about the feelings I have towards the birth parents, worrying that this is a waste of everyone's time for me to be there, worrying about this and that. Today, I didn't worry, and I was back to myself, back to making comments and sharing, joining in, even volunteering for one of the activities.
And even if I don't need to have my baby this way -- the hormones have already bloated me up to a four-months-pregnant belly...I'll take it, it means they are working -- I'm learning good parenting skills, I being exposed to lots of things that I might not otherwise be exposed to, and learning is always a good thing.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
And it starts....
Without being graphic, I know now what a woman goes through with her first cycle after giving birth. As Bubbles put it, we want a happy, clean uterus. After the past three days and nights of gushing, there can't be much left in my uterus. It's all cleansing and healing and making itself ready for the another successful IVF and what will be (positive thinking) a successful pregnancy.
I did my blood work yesterday and had my baseline ultrasound this morning. All look good. I will start taking the Lupron and Gonal-F on Thursday. Additionally, they will also have me take menopur, another kind of gonadtropin to help turn my ovaries and eggs into jiffy pop.
It helps to start again. It feels like I'm actually doing something. That I have my plan, that I have something to do, that I can move forward. And if all goes as it has in the past, I should be ready for retrieval the week of my birthday.
Spring is a good time for making a life, for things to grow and bloom.
I did my blood work yesterday and had my baseline ultrasound this morning. All look good. I will start taking the Lupron and Gonal-F on Thursday. Additionally, they will also have me take menopur, another kind of gonadtropin to help turn my ovaries and eggs into jiffy pop.
It helps to start again. It feels like I'm actually doing something. That I have my plan, that I have something to do, that I can move forward. And if all goes as it has in the past, I should be ready for retrieval the week of my birthday.
Spring is a good time for making a life, for things to grow and bloom.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Everyone's Pregnant
Well, not everyone. It just feels like it. And really, the only one that bothers me, is my niece.
My friend Melissa is pregnant. I've known since she took her HPT, because at that point, I was pregnant too. I was two weeks ahead of her. We joked about all the work that would pile up with both of us out on maternity leave at the same time. And yet, even though we won't be pregnant together, I'm so happy for her. Because she's been supportive, because she's been sensitive, and because I know she wants this for me as much as I do.
My friend Chris's wife is pregnant. And I'll be helping to plan the baby shower we have at work for him. He doesn't know what I'm doing, but if he did, he would be supportive and sensitive. Because he would let me know he's pulling for me.
My friend Lindsey is pregnant. I saw her on Sunday at the mall. And she told me, straight out. "I'm pregnant, and I've been wondering how to tell you and I just figured that I would just say it." And then she started to cry and she hugged me, and I cried. "I'm happy for you, I really am." And she knew I was. And she said she can't wait to be happy for me, because I deserve it.
And then there is Erica. My niece, whose baby shower next month, I won't be going to. Who called me the day after Thanksgiving to tell me she was pregnant, amazingly without even trying, and I've never even congratulated her. Not by phone, mail or email. And that's not me. I still send cards for no reason. I send cards for birthdays and as thank you notes. For new homes and new jobs, and especially for new babies.
But this time I couldn't, for all the reasons that I've spelled out in the past. And what amazes me is that it hasn't occurred to her that I haven't congratulated her. (My family works in such a way that I would have found out about it, I would have heard.) And the thing is, I really am happy for her. I'm excited for her to have this baby. I'm not happy about the way she told me, and at this point, I can't forgive that.
So maybe I'm bitter. Maybe I'm being overly-sensitive, but given that I'll be planning or attending at least three baby showers in the next six months and will be genuinely happy for the guests of honor, I don't think I am. I think what I'm doing is taking care of myself, and not putting myself in situations that I don't need to be in. What I need to work on is letting go of my anger towards Erica. And I will, but my emotions are still too raw.
My friend Melissa is pregnant. I've known since she took her HPT, because at that point, I was pregnant too. I was two weeks ahead of her. We joked about all the work that would pile up with both of us out on maternity leave at the same time. And yet, even though we won't be pregnant together, I'm so happy for her. Because she's been supportive, because she's been sensitive, and because I know she wants this for me as much as I do.
My friend Chris's wife is pregnant. And I'll be helping to plan the baby shower we have at work for him. He doesn't know what I'm doing, but if he did, he would be supportive and sensitive. Because he would let me know he's pulling for me.
My friend Lindsey is pregnant. I saw her on Sunday at the mall. And she told me, straight out. "I'm pregnant, and I've been wondering how to tell you and I just figured that I would just say it." And then she started to cry and she hugged me, and I cried. "I'm happy for you, I really am." And she knew I was. And she said she can't wait to be happy for me, because I deserve it.
And then there is Erica. My niece, whose baby shower next month, I won't be going to. Who called me the day after Thanksgiving to tell me she was pregnant, amazingly without even trying, and I've never even congratulated her. Not by phone, mail or email. And that's not me. I still send cards for no reason. I send cards for birthdays and as thank you notes. For new homes and new jobs, and especially for new babies.
But this time I couldn't, for all the reasons that I've spelled out in the past. And what amazes me is that it hasn't occurred to her that I haven't congratulated her. (My family works in such a way that I would have found out about it, I would have heard.) And the thing is, I really am happy for her. I'm excited for her to have this baby. I'm not happy about the way she told me, and at this point, I can't forgive that.
So maybe I'm bitter. Maybe I'm being overly-sensitive, but given that I'll be planning or attending at least three baby showers in the next six months and will be genuinely happy for the guests of honor, I don't think I am. I think what I'm doing is taking care of myself, and not putting myself in situations that I don't need to be in. What I need to work on is letting go of my anger towards Erica. And I will, but my emotions are still too raw.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Plan C
Plan A....get pregnant and have a baby
Plan B....international adoption and get a baby
Plan C...adoption through foster care and get a baby
So this morning, I started foster care class. It'll be three hours every Saturday morning, for 11 weeks. And when I left, I felt deflated. Most of the people there are there to be foster care parents, not "foster to adopt."
They talked about helping children transition back to their families, about helping families become whole again. They showed a video of interviews with kids who had been in foster care for various lengths of time, and of their parents.
And all I could think about was I don't want to do that. I don't want to want to do that. I don't want to help someone get theirs kids back.
Maybe because I've been struggling for so long to try to get pregnant, maybe because my emotions about it all are so raw. But I don't want to help someone get their kids back when they fucked up in the first place and had to have them taken away.
I know there are people out there who can do that, and thank god there are, but I can't be one of them. And I know that won't change, but I'm hoping that I will be able to get rid of some of the bitterness.
Plan B....international adoption and get a baby
Plan C...adoption through foster care and get a baby
So this morning, I started foster care class. It'll be three hours every Saturday morning, for 11 weeks. And when I left, I felt deflated. Most of the people there are there to be foster care parents, not "foster to adopt."
They talked about helping children transition back to their families, about helping families become whole again. They showed a video of interviews with kids who had been in foster care for various lengths of time, and of their parents.
And all I could think about was I don't want to do that. I don't want to want to do that. I don't want to help someone get theirs kids back.
Maybe because I've been struggling for so long to try to get pregnant, maybe because my emotions about it all are so raw. But I don't want to help someone get their kids back when they fucked up in the first place and had to have them taken away.
I know there are people out there who can do that, and thank god there are, but I can't be one of them. And I know that won't change, but I'm hoping that I will be able to get rid of some of the bitterness.
Monday, March 2, 2009
7 Apparently Means Negative
I had blood work today, for the 4th Monday in a row. My hCG levels were 7, and according to Becky, the nurse at the fertility guru's office, that means I'm back to negative levels. She told me to call when I get my period and we'll start the meds, the injections, schedule a baseline ultrasound, etc.
"And if you don't get it by the end of the month, call us." THE END OF THE MONTH?!! I thought I would be getting it this week. "You might. But because it took so long for your levels to come down, your body might take a little longer to regulate itself."
Great....just one more thing that my body can't do right. Needless to say, it was a frustrating afternoon. I just want to get this thing started, move away from the bad boys, focus on making babies. But who knows when that will start?
Can you tell it's been a really sucky Monday?
"And if you don't get it by the end of the month, call us." THE END OF THE MONTH?!! I thought I would be getting it this week. "You might. But because it took so long for your levels to come down, your body might take a little longer to regulate itself."
Great....just one more thing that my body can't do right. Needless to say, it was a frustrating afternoon. I just want to get this thing started, move away from the bad boys, focus on making babies. But who knows when that will start?
Can you tell it's been a really sucky Monday?
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Another Week of Limbo
I went in on Monday for my blood work. Last week it had dropped more than 300 points to 71, so logic and math would dictate that I should be back to 0 this week. Apparently my body can't even do logic and math. My hCG level was still up -- 19.
So another week of waiting. Another week of not knowing. Another week of limbo.
So another week of waiting. Another week of not knowing. Another week of limbo.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
393
I drove up to Syracuse on Monday morning for my follow-up to the D&C.
They took some blood and did an ultrasound. Still some fluid in my uterus, so maybe a little more spotting this week, but it all looked like it was healing the way it was supposed.
The tech told me that as long as my hCG levels were back to negative (showing that all the pregnancy hormones were out of my system), I could try again with my next cycle, if I was ready. Oh I'm ready.
My blood came back that afternoon, and my hCG levels were 393 (they had been over 31,500 on January 20). I will go back for more blood work on Monday (I can do it at the hospital lab here, I won't have to go to Syracuse) to see what my levels are. At that point, I'm not sure if they will put me on the pill for a month to regulate my cycle or just wait.
They also gave me more medicine (all injectables -- yeah!) to help support a pregnancy. So in addition to the baby aspirin I was taking to prevent miscarriage, I will also be injecting a blood thinner and the progesterone in oil (the big-ass needle). I dropped off six prescriptions yesterday -- four of them for syringes.
It felt good to be almost back on track, but I still have my moments. I went back to the gym last night. Did 45 minutes on the treadmill and felt great. Tonight, barely 30 minutes and then I cried on the way home. And I know that I'm using food as a comfort, and that it needs to stop, because it's not making me feel better. I'm going to give myself through the weekend, then hopefully try to get back to normal with that too.
They took some blood and did an ultrasound. Still some fluid in my uterus, so maybe a little more spotting this week, but it all looked like it was healing the way it was supposed.
The tech told me that as long as my hCG levels were back to negative (showing that all the pregnancy hormones were out of my system), I could try again with my next cycle, if I was ready. Oh I'm ready.
My blood came back that afternoon, and my hCG levels were 393 (they had been over 31,500 on January 20). I will go back for more blood work on Monday (I can do it at the hospital lab here, I won't have to go to Syracuse) to see what my levels are. At that point, I'm not sure if they will put me on the pill for a month to regulate my cycle or just wait.
They also gave me more medicine (all injectables -- yeah!) to help support a pregnancy. So in addition to the baby aspirin I was taking to prevent miscarriage, I will also be injecting a blood thinner and the progesterone in oil (the big-ass needle). I dropped off six prescriptions yesterday -- four of them for syringes.
It felt good to be almost back on track, but I still have my moments. I went back to the gym last night. Did 45 minutes on the treadmill and felt great. Tonight, barely 30 minutes and then I cried on the way home. And I know that I'm using food as a comfort, and that it needs to stop, because it's not making me feel better. I'm going to give myself through the weekend, then hopefully try to get back to normal with that too.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Each Day Gets a Little Better
My friend Jill picked me up yesterday about 8:30 to head to Syracuse. I managed to make it through Thursday with very few tears. It helped that I was busy at work, even stayed a little later than usual.
My mom met us at the fertility guru's office, and as much as I hated leaving Jill and my mom alone, I really didn't want anyone to go back with me. I got undressed, and listened to how the procedure would go, my instructions for the weekend, and that I would need to come back in about 10 days for a follow-up appointment.
"At that point, if you're ready, we can talk about next steps. But you need to grieve, you need to mourn. This is a loss just like any other."
At that point I started to cry. Who was I kidding when I thought I was all cried out? The IV was in, I signed papers, I answered questions, and then FG came in with a hug. "I'm going to check...."
He pulled the screen around so I couldn't see, and put the ultrasound probe in. "Looks like it did the other day."
And that was that. My embryo was still dead. But soon, it would be out. And I could move on.
Even though I knew the embryo was no longer viable, since Tuesday, I still felt pregnant. All the symptoms, all the feelings. It was like a cruel joke. And amazingly, last night, just a suddenly, I didn't feel pregnant. No hunger around 8:30 while I was lying in bed, reading. No more sore breasts. Like a snap of the fingers, I wasn't pregnant.
I took it easy yesterday, napping, watching TV, pillow on my lap to try to alleviate the cramps. I think I was asleep before 9:00 last night. Today, I stayed busy. Bank, Wegmans, Salvation Army drop-off, post office -- all before 11:00.
I made soup today. And bread. I bought ingredients to make chicken wing dip tomorrow for the Super Bowl. I know I won't feel like going out to watch the game, so I'll stay in. My neighbors might drop in, but other than, it'll be a quiet game for me.
I talked to a couple friends today, and my niece and mom. All calling to check on me. I don't want to hear how strong I am. I don't think of myself as strong. What else am I going to do? I'm not going to quit, I'm not going to stay in bed all day. I'm getting up, I'm doing what I have to do, but I'm not strong.
My mom met us at the fertility guru's office, and as much as I hated leaving Jill and my mom alone, I really didn't want anyone to go back with me. I got undressed, and listened to how the procedure would go, my instructions for the weekend, and that I would need to come back in about 10 days for a follow-up appointment.
"At that point, if you're ready, we can talk about next steps. But you need to grieve, you need to mourn. This is a loss just like any other."
At that point I started to cry. Who was I kidding when I thought I was all cried out? The IV was in, I signed papers, I answered questions, and then FG came in with a hug. "I'm going to check...."
He pulled the screen around so I couldn't see, and put the ultrasound probe in. "Looks like it did the other day."
And that was that. My embryo was still dead. But soon, it would be out. And I could move on.
Even though I knew the embryo was no longer viable, since Tuesday, I still felt pregnant. All the symptoms, all the feelings. It was like a cruel joke. And amazingly, last night, just a suddenly, I didn't feel pregnant. No hunger around 8:30 while I was lying in bed, reading. No more sore breasts. Like a snap of the fingers, I wasn't pregnant.
I took it easy yesterday, napping, watching TV, pillow on my lap to try to alleviate the cramps. I think I was asleep before 9:00 last night. Today, I stayed busy. Bank, Wegmans, Salvation Army drop-off, post office -- all before 11:00.
I made soup today. And bread. I bought ingredients to make chicken wing dip tomorrow for the Super Bowl. I know I won't feel like going out to watch the game, so I'll stay in. My neighbors might drop in, but other than, it'll be a quiet game for me.
I talked to a couple friends today, and my niece and mom. All calling to check on me. I don't want to hear how strong I am. I don't think of myself as strong. What else am I going to do? I'm not going to quit, I'm not going to stay in bed all day. I'm getting up, I'm doing what I have to do, but I'm not strong.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
A Change of Plans
I had such high hopes for this post and the subsequent ones to come. I was going to start back up after the retrieval, talk in detail about:
* the three embryos being transferred into me the day before Christmas Eve
* my drive on Christmas Eve (intended destination Richmond)
* the wintry mix all the way through Pennsylvania when I finally had enough and checked into a hotel about 30 miles north of Harrisburg
* how, about 3:30, I was sick on being in the hotel room and decided I had had enough, for the second time that day
* I drove as far as Baltimore and went to midnight mass at the Cathedral with Bubbles, lighting a novena, praying to Mary, St. Vincent de Paul and St. Thomas More for the three precious little lives inside of me
* how that night, that warm balmy night in Baltimore, I made a new-year's resolution to go back to church
* it was 60 and sunny when I drove to Richmond the next day
* there was fun day after Christmas shopping, out the door at 5:30am
* and then, how on January 2, less than an hour after I mailed the first part of my adoption paperwork out, my hCG levels were 130.
I didn't tell anyone. I kept it to myself, having learned my lesson last time. But I was encouraged by the high number (last time my first test was 47). And then three days later, it was 460. No more blood tests....just wait for January 20 for my first pre-natal ultrasound.
I was terrified going for it. I imagined the worst. I imagined laying on the table, probe inside me, and seeing nothing. And then having to deal with the drive home, 60 miles from Syracuse to Ithaca, knowing that the excitement of the past two weeks was nothing.
And you know what happened? I saw my baby's heartbeat. I found out my due date. And exactly how far along I was. And all the burping, and the bloating, and the gas, and the sore breasts....all normal, all worth it.
I took a picture of the embryo with me, and thought about all the things I'd collected since the day before Christmas Eve that would go in the scrapbook. And I got back to Ithaca just in time to see Barack Obama take the oath of office. And how inspiring. This man is going to be my baby's first president. What a wonderful year to have a baby. So much for our country, for me, for my little family.
And even more hope, later that afternoon when the doctor's office called to tell me that my hCG levels were over 31,500. And so I started to feel safe. I was doing everything right. Prenatal vitamins, baby aspirin every morning, progesterone suppositories four times a day, estrogen pills twice a day...and really good blood levels. I needed to relax and just enjoy this now.
I felt none of the trepidation yesterday as I made my trek to Syracuse for my seven-week ultrasound. I had my list of questions -- which I refused to make last week because I was convinced something would be wrong and I wouldn't need the answers anyway.
And then, there I was laying on the table, probe inside me. And I saw the embryo, starting to look a little bit more human. And what I didn't see -- and what I knew before the tech's face gave it away -- there was no heart beat. She changed the size of my uterus on screen, she changed angles. She told me to breath and then she went to get the doctor.
But I knew. It was just as I had imagined it would be the week before. Fertility Guru came in, held my hands and started talking to me about being positive, how this was nature's way of fixing things, that I did nothing wrong, that I could have done nothing to prevent this. He did his own look, but it was just going through the motions. We all knew. The embryo -- not baby yet -- had stopped growing at six weeks four days. Technically, I was seven weeks three days.
Then there were decisions to be made. A D&C or wait for it to expel itself in about three or four weeks. In my mind, there was no choice. I want it out of me. And so Friday, I will go in for a D&C. After that, I'm not sure what happens with my body. How long I have to wait for my period, how long before we can start all over again.
I thought I was done with the shots. Done with the almost daily trips for follicle checks and lab work. Done waiting for my body to do its thing so we could schedule retrieval and transfer.
I went back to the office yesterday afternoon. I didn't know what else to do. And this morning when I woke up....what's the right thing to do? There's no manual for how to react. I went to work. I was useless. I cried a lot, and finally left at noon.
I don't know if I can cry anymore. I feel like I can't, but I'm sure there will be more tears to come over the weekend. I purposely didn't shop for maternity clothes, I purposely by-passed the children's department at Kohl's. Too early, I kept telling myself.
And even though those in the know in my family kept asking when I was going to tell the rest, I refused to budge. Too early. And now, it's too late.
Now, it's over. For now. I get a few more chances. I have about $9500 left on my fertility insurance coverage. I've spent just a little over half of my cap. So two, maybe three chances left. Not one. I'm not down to the end yet.
I'm going to take a shower and try to get a good night's sleep. I'll wake up and try going to work tomorrow. I'll be busy, I'll be preparing for missing Friday. And I won't think past tomorrow at this point. There will be plenty of time over the weekend to do that.
* the three embryos being transferred into me the day before Christmas Eve
* my drive on Christmas Eve (intended destination Richmond)
* the wintry mix all the way through Pennsylvania when I finally had enough and checked into a hotel about 30 miles north of Harrisburg
* how, about 3:30, I was sick on being in the hotel room and decided I had had enough, for the second time that day
* I drove as far as Baltimore and went to midnight mass at the Cathedral with Bubbles, lighting a novena, praying to Mary, St. Vincent de Paul and St. Thomas More for the three precious little lives inside of me
* how that night, that warm balmy night in Baltimore, I made a new-year's resolution to go back to church
* it was 60 and sunny when I drove to Richmond the next day
* there was fun day after Christmas shopping, out the door at 5:30am
* and then, how on January 2, less than an hour after I mailed the first part of my adoption paperwork out, my hCG levels were 130.
I didn't tell anyone. I kept it to myself, having learned my lesson last time. But I was encouraged by the high number (last time my first test was 47). And then three days later, it was 460. No more blood tests....just wait for January 20 for my first pre-natal ultrasound.
I was terrified going for it. I imagined the worst. I imagined laying on the table, probe inside me, and seeing nothing. And then having to deal with the drive home, 60 miles from Syracuse to Ithaca, knowing that the excitement of the past two weeks was nothing.
And you know what happened? I saw my baby's heartbeat. I found out my due date. And exactly how far along I was. And all the burping, and the bloating, and the gas, and the sore breasts....all normal, all worth it.
I took a picture of the embryo with me, and thought about all the things I'd collected since the day before Christmas Eve that would go in the scrapbook. And I got back to Ithaca just in time to see Barack Obama take the oath of office. And how inspiring. This man is going to be my baby's first president. What a wonderful year to have a baby. So much for our country, for me, for my little family.
And even more hope, later that afternoon when the doctor's office called to tell me that my hCG levels were over 31,500. And so I started to feel safe. I was doing everything right. Prenatal vitamins, baby aspirin every morning, progesterone suppositories four times a day, estrogen pills twice a day...and really good blood levels. I needed to relax and just enjoy this now.
I felt none of the trepidation yesterday as I made my trek to Syracuse for my seven-week ultrasound. I had my list of questions -- which I refused to make last week because I was convinced something would be wrong and I wouldn't need the answers anyway.
And then, there I was laying on the table, probe inside me. And I saw the embryo, starting to look a little bit more human. And what I didn't see -- and what I knew before the tech's face gave it away -- there was no heart beat. She changed the size of my uterus on screen, she changed angles. She told me to breath and then she went to get the doctor.
But I knew. It was just as I had imagined it would be the week before. Fertility Guru came in, held my hands and started talking to me about being positive, how this was nature's way of fixing things, that I did nothing wrong, that I could have done nothing to prevent this. He did his own look, but it was just going through the motions. We all knew. The embryo -- not baby yet -- had stopped growing at six weeks four days. Technically, I was seven weeks three days.
Then there were decisions to be made. A D&C or wait for it to expel itself in about three or four weeks. In my mind, there was no choice. I want it out of me. And so Friday, I will go in for a D&C. After that, I'm not sure what happens with my body. How long I have to wait for my period, how long before we can start all over again.
I thought I was done with the shots. Done with the almost daily trips for follicle checks and lab work. Done waiting for my body to do its thing so we could schedule retrieval and transfer.
I went back to the office yesterday afternoon. I didn't know what else to do. And this morning when I woke up....what's the right thing to do? There's no manual for how to react. I went to work. I was useless. I cried a lot, and finally left at noon.
I don't know if I can cry anymore. I feel like I can't, but I'm sure there will be more tears to come over the weekend. I purposely didn't shop for maternity clothes, I purposely by-passed the children's department at Kohl's. Too early, I kept telling myself.
And even though those in the know in my family kept asking when I was going to tell the rest, I refused to budge. Too early. And now, it's too late.
Now, it's over. For now. I get a few more chances. I have about $9500 left on my fertility insurance coverage. I've spent just a little over half of my cap. So two, maybe three chances left. Not one. I'm not down to the end yet.
I'm going to take a shower and try to get a good night's sleep. I'll wake up and try going to work tomorrow. I'll be busy, I'll be preparing for missing Friday. And I won't think past tomorrow at this point. There will be plenty of time over the weekend to do that.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
The Year in Review: 2008
January 2 -- Baseline U/S and blood work
January 3 -- Acupuncture
January 4 -- Start Clomid (cycle days 4-8)
January 10 -- Acupuncture
January 11 -- U/S and blood work
January 15 -- U/S and blood work
January 16 -- U/S and blood work; Trigger shot to induce ovulation
January 17 -- IUI #3
January 18 -- Begin hormone therapy: progesterone suppositories, twice daily
January 22 -- Acupuncture
January 31 -- Acupuncture
February 2 -- Negative test. Failure #3
February 7 -- Acupuncture
February 8 -- U/S and blood work
February 10 -- Start Clomid (cycle days 4-8)
February 18 -- U/S and blood work
February 20 -- U/S and blood work
February 21 -- Trigger shot to induce ovulation; Acupuncture
February 22 -- IUI #4
February 23 -- Begin hormone therapy: progesterone suppositories, three times daily
February 25 -- Acupuncture
March 4 -- Acupuncture
March 6 -- Period. Failure #4
March 9 -- Baseline U/S and blood work
March 10 -- Start Clomid (cycle days 4-8)
March 18 -- U/S and blood work
March 20 -- U/S and blood work; Trigger shot to induce ovulation
March 21 -- IUI #5
March 22 -- Begin hormone therapy: progesterone suppositories, three times daily
April 8 -- Negative test. Failure #5
April 9 -- Baseline U/S and blood work
April 11 -- Start Clomid (cycle days 4-8)
April 13 -- U/S and blood work
April 22 -- U/S and blood work
April 25 -- Trigger shot to induce ovulation
April 26 -- IUI #6
April 27 -- Begin hormone therapy: progesterone suppositories, three times daily
May 9 -- Negative test. Failure #6
May 15 -- Consultation with Dr. Melendez
May 20 -- Dye test, possible blockage in right fallopian tube
May 22 -- Follow-up to dye test
May 28 -- Injectables training
June 9 -- Pre-op appointment at hospital
June 11 -- Surgery, no blockage
June 17 -- Follow-up to surgery
July 1 -- Baseline U/S and blood work; FSH levels almost doubled since last year (not a good thing)
July 22 -- Blood work
August 18 -- Phone consultation with Dr. Kiltz
August 19 -- Begin daily medications: injectables (in stomach) – Gonal-F, Lupron; Oral: baby aspirin, continue daily
August 27 -- U/S and blood work
September 2 -- U/S and blood work
September 5 -- U/S and blood work
September 8 -- U/S and blood work
September 10 -- U/S and blood work
September 12 -- U/S and blood work
September 15 -- U/S and blood work; Trigger shot (in stomach) to induce Ovulation
September 17 -- Acupuncture
September 18 -- Egg retrieval – seven eggs
September 19 Embryologist calls to say five embryos; begin progesterone
suppositories, three times daily
September 22 -- Acupuncture
September 23 -- Three embryos transferred, IVF #1
October 2 -- hCG level of 47 – positive; Acupuncture
October 6 -- Dropping hCG levels – negative. Failure #7
October 22 -- Baseline U/S and blood work
October 22 -- Begin daily medications: injectables (intra-muscular) – progesterone
in oil; progesterone suppositories, three times daily
October 27 -- Two embryos transferred, continue shots and suppositories, IVF #2
October 28 -- Acupuncture
October 31 -- Hosted baby shower #2 since trying to get pregnant
November 7 -- Negative test. Failure #8
November 13 -- Acupuncture
November 14 -- Begin BCP for two weeks to force cycle timing before Christmas
December 2 -- Baseline U/S and blood work
December 2 -- Begin daily medications: injectables (in stomach) – Gonal-F, Lupron
December 8 -- U/S and blood work; Acupuncture
December 10 -- U/S and blood work
December 12 -- U/S and blood work
December 15 -- U/S and blood work
December 17 -- U/S and blood work
December 19 -- Acupuncture
December 20 -- Egg retrieval -- seven eggs; Acupuncture
December 21 -- Embryologist calls to say three embryos; begin progesterone suppositories, four times daily
December 23 -- Three embryos transferred, IVF #3; Acupuncture pre- and post-transfer
January 3 -- Acupuncture
January 4 -- Start Clomid (cycle days 4-8)
January 10 -- Acupuncture
January 11 -- U/S and blood work
January 15 -- U/S and blood work
January 16 -- U/S and blood work; Trigger shot to induce ovulation
January 17 -- IUI #3
January 18 -- Begin hormone therapy: progesterone suppositories, twice daily
January 22 -- Acupuncture
January 31 -- Acupuncture
February 2 -- Negative test. Failure #3
February 7 -- Acupuncture
February 8 -- U/S and blood work
February 10 -- Start Clomid (cycle days 4-8)
February 18 -- U/S and blood work
February 20 -- U/S and blood work
February 21 -- Trigger shot to induce ovulation; Acupuncture
February 22 -- IUI #4
February 23 -- Begin hormone therapy: progesterone suppositories, three times daily
February 25 -- Acupuncture
March 4 -- Acupuncture
March 6 -- Period. Failure #4
March 9 -- Baseline U/S and blood work
March 10 -- Start Clomid (cycle days 4-8)
March 18 -- U/S and blood work
March 20 -- U/S and blood work; Trigger shot to induce ovulation
March 21 -- IUI #5
March 22 -- Begin hormone therapy: progesterone suppositories, three times daily
April 8 -- Negative test. Failure #5
April 9 -- Baseline U/S and blood work
April 11 -- Start Clomid (cycle days 4-8)
April 13 -- U/S and blood work
April 22 -- U/S and blood work
April 25 -- Trigger shot to induce ovulation
April 26 -- IUI #6
April 27 -- Begin hormone therapy: progesterone suppositories, three times daily
May 9 -- Negative test. Failure #6
May 15 -- Consultation with Dr. Melendez
May 20 -- Dye test, possible blockage in right fallopian tube
May 22 -- Follow-up to dye test
May 28 -- Injectables training
June 9 -- Pre-op appointment at hospital
June 11 -- Surgery, no blockage
June 17 -- Follow-up to surgery
July 1 -- Baseline U/S and blood work; FSH levels almost doubled since last year (not a good thing)
July 22 -- Blood work
August 18 -- Phone consultation with Dr. Kiltz
August 19 -- Begin daily medications: injectables (in stomach) – Gonal-F, Lupron; Oral: baby aspirin, continue daily
August 27 -- U/S and blood work
September 2 -- U/S and blood work
September 5 -- U/S and blood work
September 8 -- U/S and blood work
September 10 -- U/S and blood work
September 12 -- U/S and blood work
September 15 -- U/S and blood work; Trigger shot (in stomach) to induce Ovulation
September 17 -- Acupuncture
September 18 -- Egg retrieval – seven eggs
September 19 Embryologist calls to say five embryos; begin progesterone
suppositories, three times daily
September 22 -- Acupuncture
September 23 -- Three embryos transferred, IVF #1
October 2 -- hCG level of 47 – positive; Acupuncture
October 6 -- Dropping hCG levels – negative. Failure #7
October 22 -- Baseline U/S and blood work
October 22 -- Begin daily medications: injectables (intra-muscular) – progesterone
in oil; progesterone suppositories, three times daily
October 27 -- Two embryos transferred, continue shots and suppositories, IVF #2
October 28 -- Acupuncture
October 31 -- Hosted baby shower #2 since trying to get pregnant
November 7 -- Negative test. Failure #8
November 13 -- Acupuncture
November 14 -- Begin BCP for two weeks to force cycle timing before Christmas
December 2 -- Baseline U/S and blood work
December 2 -- Begin daily medications: injectables (in stomach) – Gonal-F, Lupron
December 8 -- U/S and blood work; Acupuncture
December 10 -- U/S and blood work
December 12 -- U/S and blood work
December 15 -- U/S and blood work
December 17 -- U/S and blood work
December 19 -- Acupuncture
December 20 -- Egg retrieval -- seven eggs; Acupuncture
December 21 -- Embryologist calls to say three embryos; begin progesterone suppositories, four times daily
December 23 -- Three embryos transferred, IVF #3; Acupuncture pre- and post-transfer
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