And it starts....

Without being graphic, I know now what a woman goes through with her first cycle after giving birth. As Bubbles put it, we want a happy, clean uterus. After the past three days and nights of gushing, there can't be much left in my uterus. It's all cleansing and healing and making itself ready for the another successful IVF and what will be (positive thinking) a successful pregnancy.

I did my blood work yesterday and had my baseline ultrasound this morning. All look good. I will start taking the Lupron and Gonal-F on Thursday. Additionally, they will also have me take menopur, another kind of gonadtropin to help turn my ovaries and eggs into jiffy pop.

It helps to start again. It feels like I'm actually doing something. That I have my plan, that I have something to do, that I can move forward. And if all goes as it has in the past, I should be ready for retrieval the week of my birthday.

Spring is a good time for making a life, for things to grow and bloom.

Everyone's Pregnant

Well, not everyone. It just feels like it. And really, the only one that bothers me, is my niece.

My friend Melissa is pregnant. I've known since she took her HPT, because at that point, I was pregnant too. I was two weeks ahead of her. We joked about all the work that would pile up with both of us out on maternity leave at the same time. And yet, even though we won't be pregnant together, I'm so happy for her. Because she's been supportive, because she's been sensitive, and because I know she wants this for me as much as I do.

My friend Chris's wife is pregnant. And I'll be helping to plan the baby shower we have at work for him. He doesn't know what I'm doing, but if he did, he would be supportive and sensitive. Because he would let me know he's pulling for me.

My friend Lindsey is pregnant. I saw her on Sunday at the mall. And she told me, straight out. "I'm pregnant, and I've been wondering how to tell you and I just figured that I would just say it." And then she started to cry and she hugged me, and I cried. "I'm happy for you, I really am." And she knew I was. And she said she can't wait to be happy for me, because I deserve it.

And then there is Erica. My niece, whose baby shower next month, I won't be going to. Who called me the day after Thanksgiving to tell me she was pregnant, amazingly without even trying, and I've never even congratulated her. Not by phone, mail or email. And that's not me. I still send cards for no reason. I send cards for birthdays and as thank you notes. For new homes and new jobs, and especially for new babies.

But this time I couldn't, for all the reasons that I've spelled out in the past. And what amazes me is that it hasn't occurred to her that I haven't congratulated her. (My family works in such a way that I would have found out about it, I would have heard.) And the thing is, I really am happy for her. I'm excited for her to have this baby. I'm not happy about the way she told me, and at this point, I can't forgive that.

So maybe I'm bitter. Maybe I'm being overly-sensitive, but given that I'll be planning or attending at least three baby showers in the next six months and will be genuinely happy for the guests of honor, I don't think I am. I think what I'm doing is taking care of myself, and not putting myself in situations that I don't need to be in. What I need to work on is letting go of my anger towards Erica. And I will, but my emotions are still too raw.

Plan C

Plan A....get pregnant and have a baby

Plan B....international adoption and get a baby

Plan C...adoption through foster care and get a baby

So this morning, I started foster care class. It'll be three hours every Saturday morning, for 11 weeks. And when I left, I felt deflated. Most of the people there are there to be foster care parents, not "foster to adopt."

They talked about helping children transition back to their families, about helping families become whole again. They showed a video of interviews with kids who had been in foster care for various lengths of time, and of their parents.

And all I could think about was I don't want to do that. I don't want to want to do that. I don't want to help someone get theirs kids back.

Maybe because I've been struggling for so long to try to get pregnant, maybe because my emotions about it all are so raw. But I don't want to help someone get their kids back when they fucked up in the first place and had to have them taken away.

I know there are people out there who can do that, and thank god there are, but I can't be one of them. And I know that won't change, but I'm hoping that I will be able to get rid of some of the bitterness.

7 Apparently Means Negative

I had blood work today, for the 4th Monday in a row. My hCG levels were 7, and according to Becky, the nurse at the fertility guru's office, that means I'm back to negative levels. She told me to call when I get my period and we'll start the meds, the injections, schedule a baseline ultrasound, etc.

"And if you don't get it by the end of the month, call us." THE END OF THE MONTH?!! I thought I would be getting it this week. "You might. But because it took so long for your levels to come down, your body might take a little longer to regulate itself."

Great....just one more thing that my body can't do right. Needless to say, it was a frustrating afternoon. I just want to get this thing started, move away from the bad boys, focus on making babies. But who knows when that will start?

Can you tell it's been a really sucky Monday?