HIV, CBC, Hep B, et al

I went to the doctor yesterday (my doctor in Horseheads) and signed and signed and signed. Consent forms for the HIV test, release of my files to the Fertility Guru, forms that said I not only consented but was aware. And on and on.

We talked about next steps, and it was kind of sad. I started this journey with Jan and Jodi a little over a year ago. It never occurred to me that I wouldn't get pregnant with them. And now...

I won't be saying goodbye to them entirely. I can still use their office (slightly closer to home than Syracuse) for the ultrasounds and blood work. But they won't be running the show, merely following the orders of the guru.

I went for my blood work this morning -- it will complete my file and then it can be sent to Syracuse. All of these tests were done more than a year ago, so they have to be done again. Five vials of blood this morning! But it felt good to have what I need to do done.

I will still have a conversation with FG, but from the detailed explanation that Jodi gave me yesterday, even if he could harvest some of my eggs, their viability would be in question. And there would be a significant increase of chromosomal birth defects, even more than the chances of me just as a 38-year-old.

And so I will talk to him, but I'm at peace with my decision to use an egg donor. I've had two offers from people I know to be my donor. I asked the guru's office to send me information about what the donor goes through. I want both women to read this and have this information in mind before they give me a firm offer. I want them to know the inconveniences they (and their bodies) will go through during this two-month process.

I will never be able to thank these women enough, and not just for being the donor, but for offering. For understanding the ultimate goal, for seeing the bigger picture, and for being so unselfish and full of love and support for me. There will be lots of decisions in the coming weeks, and not just by me.

So apparently he has to have the last word...

I wasn't entirely surprised to get this email back from Tim this morning:

I don't care what the Catholic church says. I am glad that you are good with God, that is the only thing that counts. Its the relationship between you and Him and if you have this desire, then it is coming from Him. Go forward young woman. As far as the scripture- it just happened to be something that I read that day to give you hope and support for.

Cling to Him... not preaching about your situation. He'll give you comfort through the pain and the unknowing til things are what they will be. And I did voice concern a year ago- but I didn't beat it over your head. Nor will I. I always have concern that you are all right and doing ok. That's what close friends and people who care for one another do. And I support you and will help you if you need it. ANYTIME kiddo.

And there you have it. I won't be responding. They are going on vacation this weekend, and I will be in Baltimore the next weekend and will stop by the house to see the girls. It'll be water under the bridge at that point. Hopefully.

Perspective

I talked to my sister-in-law on Saturday. She had been on vacation for the past 10 days -- and while I could have called her cell, I didn't want to bother her -- so she knew nothing of what has been going on with me lately.

I brought her up to speed, crying along the way, and she told me that I'm driving myself crazy needlessly. "Wait until you see the guru, wait until he tells you he can't use your eggs. He's a specialist in this field for a reason -- what regular doctors think of as impossible, he sees as possible. Don't make any decision right now, because you don't need to."

And she's right. I've been so focused on what will I do, I wasn't even looking at all the options, because I don't know them. I'm going on what my blood work says to my OB/GYN, not what my blood work says to a fertility doctor.

And so, for the first time since July 3, my headache went away, though not without one last moment of drama.

I spoke with my friend Tim and his wife on Friday night. They live in Baltimore and I was really good friends with him first, before becoming part of their family (their daughter is my god daughter). I talked to both of them, told them where I was with everything, etc.

Three hours later, Tim starts sending me a string of text messages on my cell phone about how I shouldn't overlook adoption as an option, that if I'm open to a non-biological child why would I go through pregnancy when there are so many children in the world needing a good home, that God has a plan for me, and then quoted some scriptures at me. It made my head hurt worse, and since it was almost 11pm, I chose to ignore him best I could.

Saturday morning, I texted him back and said that all options are still on the table, but I'm not ready to give up on being pregnant yet. Which he took as some need I have to to fulfill my identity as a woman. This went on -- still via text -- for an hour. I finally wrote to: "You are really pissing me off. I need support not a fucking debate."

To which, he replied that he wasn't debating me, but did I think about.... I finally threw the phone down and went for a walk, which didn't really help. I could actually feel in my speed and the length of my strides that I was feeling utterly defeated. What right did he have to be spouting scripture at me and making moral judgements?

When I got back from my walk, I met a friend at Cornell's art museum, and then finally talked to my sister-in-law. So all things were making me feel better and I knew that I would just ignore any calls or texts from him for a while, and just not get into it.

I didn't think about e-mail. Sunday morning, I woke up to this in my in-box:

Hi Red, Cell phones and texting are great - has made the world a lot smaller. But it has also made the world a little more impersonal. Message can be easily delivered, but also misconstrued too.

Laurie, I am not one to give a lot of advice - not the way I have lived my life. And I am not here either. I am also not making any moral comments or judgements.
You got mad at me yesterday cause of some comments I made. I am sorry for that. Never my intention. I know you are going through a rough time. I know you have been through a lot and some things are happening that are out of your control. I also know you are planning the next steps. I know you probably have to, but I was only saying until you have to, let all options stay open.

You yourself told me there is still a chance cause you haven't even talked to the other doctor yet. God has a way of making things happen. That's all. I was not advocating adopting over fertilization or saying one was more moral than the other or anything like that. I know you will do what is best for you and your situation.

My only concern is for you. You are a strong, self reliant person- on the outside. On the inside you are a woman who wants to love and be loved. And for whatever reason, your path in life has led to this. When you first talked about this, I voiced some reservations cause how hard it was going to be a single parent. But you knew what you were getting into. The way you talked, I felt that this was a course to help fulfill your identity- not help to discover what your identity was. I was hoping for the best.

But if you are thinking this pregnancy and motherhood is a way to find your identity, be very careful. As someone who did not know who he was til the last 8-10 mos- makes interesting telling sometime if you want to hear- I know what it is like to not know who you are. Just be careful kiddo, cause if something happens again that is not pleasant or planned, where does that leave you?? And YOU are the person I care for and worry now. That's all. Just leave options open and see what presents itself. Be open to things.

Laurie, we haven't talked much about God. Maybe you have not so crazy thoughts on the subject. I hope that's not the case. I know He changed me. But if your heart and head agree on something that is not sin based, that is God talking ya. Just be open to it. You have a lot of friends and family who love ya and will support you on whatever course you take. Count me as one of those.

I did the same thing I did the day before. I went for a walk, I cleared my head, and I responded once I was calm.

I'm just going to chalk this conversation up to mis-communications due to technology. If you had reservations or concerns or questions, the time to ask them was when we were on the phone, not via text three hours later.

As for my relationship with God, I'm good. And I'm glad you're good. And it did sound like preaching in the texts, how could it not when you were quoting scripture at me. I know that the Catholic church is against what I'm doing, but I can live with that. I've accepted that. One thing has nothing to do with the other.

And I did get mad at you yesterday, though I understood that your comments were mostly coming from concern, but it felt like your agenda went back to our conversation a year ago when I told you I was finally going through with this.

I have thought this through for the past decade. I've put it off this long because I wanted to make sure I was financially secure -- and that decision may have cost me the chance at a having a baby the way I thought I would.

You can't understand. Grow a uterus, have your body betray you, and then we can talk.

I'm not mad any longer, but I also don't think we should talk about this any more. It's only going to lead to more hurt feelings and anger.

Have a good rest of the weekend, and I'll talk to you soon. love, Red

Pros and Cons

I learned a little more information today about the egg donor program at the fertility guru's office today, and I am now completely over-whelmed and confused. And to make sure I had the complete picture, I also talked to the insurance company.

The egg donor program will cost me about $12,000 out of pocket. Insurance will cover very little of it. For that $12K, the donor gets her compensation (about $4000), her doctor visits, and retrieval of her eggs. I get my doctor visits, transfer of embryos, freezing of embryos, first-year storage of embryos, and frozen embryo transfer for up to one year.

So basically, all the eggs we can gt out of her and fertilize and a year to get me pregnant. So now comes the dilemma. Do I pay this money, which is a lot but also an amount that I could cover almost all of, for a really good chance of getting pregnant and getting a baby, knowing that there is also a chance that none of it could work? Or do I take out a loan for three times that for the guarantee that I will get a baby through adoption?

I cried all afternoon, sobbed even. I'm all cried out now, but still confused. In one moment, one option seems so clear. A minute later, the other option begins to filter in and then becomes the obvious choice.

And without having a partner with equal say in the matter, this choice becomes all mine. I can certainly listen to different view points, I welcome other opinions...but when it comes down to it, I have to do this knowing that this is probably going to be the hardest and most important decision I've ever made, my first parental verdict.

Plan B

I talked to the doctor's office today. My FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) has almost doubled since last summer when I had my initial blood work done. And that's not a good thing. It definitely means that my ovarian reserve is dwindling and any eggs I have left are a crap-shoot as to whether they are viable.

Not unexpected news, but it still hurt to hear. I have to keep reminding myself that I still have options. I can still get pregnant.

The next step is for me to have some more blood work, including an HIV test, before all of my files and my case are transferred to the fertility guru in Syracuse. The ridiculous part of it is that I have to have "counseling" before they will test me for HIV, so I couldn't get an appointment for that until July 22.

I've contacted the donor coordinator at the guru's office for more information. I'm hoping to hear back from her in the next few days. I'm curious as to exactly how this will all work, the time line, and especially the costs. While my insurance has fertility coverage, and while my ovarian reserve issue is definitely medical, the insurance will not cover any part of egg donation. (But insurance covers viagra -- unbelievable!)

I've also been doing my own sort informal surveys with the people I know who have gone through IVF, how many procedures, how many embryos were implanted and how many babies came out. It's looking like most had a failed first implantation, and three out of the four that resulted in pregnancies resulted in multiples, including a set of triplets. That's scary.

But I guess I'm getting ahead of myself. Which is what I do. I'm a planner and I'm impatient. So, I guess there's no helping getting ahead of myself.

Dried-Up Eggs

As teenagers and young women, we’re taught all about the responsibility of not getting pregnant. Don’t have sex, you’ll pregnant. Make sure you use birth control, you don’t want to get pregnant. (For the sake of this conversation, we’re going to assume that all bases of STD’s are covered.)

I can remember two instances – both wedding hook-ups incidentally – when I was late. And I freaked. Did I want to be pregnant? Pretty much since I was 16, I knew I was meant to be a mom. But at that moment in time, after my college roommate’s wedding, in my little apartment above my landlord’s mother, making $23,000 a year, did I really want to be pregnant? No. I wished and prayed with all my might that I was just late.

And I was.

It happened again in 2002. I was living in Baltimore but was back in NY for a wedding. I made an instant connection with the guy and ended up having the most amazing non-sex of my life. However, parts touched and I’m sure things leaked – and the Dear Abby column that terrified me when I was about 14 about how you can get pregnant without actual intercourse (slight as the chance might be) came rushing back.

I remember vividly, being at an after-work function behind the museum. I opted out of the baseball game and slightly tipsy, drove to Target for a pregnancy test. The test was negative and stayed on my bathroom sink counter for three hours. I checked it every 10 or 15 minutes to make sure it didn’t change.

But again, would it have been so awful if I got pregnant? Not really. It wouldn’t have been the way I would have planned it, the way I imagined it, but it wouldn’t have been the end of the world.

And so now, fast forward to 2008. Still not the way I imagined it, still not the way I would have planned it, but by far, not the end of the world. Except now, I can’t get pregnant. Even with medical intervention, with the most careful planning of my cycles, the most optimum conditions of my ovaries and uterus, and nothing.

I wonder why I bothered to be so responsible, why I bothered to be so careful. I could have not worried about birth control and just had fun and gotten the baby I wanted. The first night that Chris and I hooked up, I wouldn’t have sex with him. He didn’t have a condom and at that point, I wasn’t on the pill. He practically begged and I said no.

As drunk as I was, the message that was instilled into my head at such a young age, and repeated over and over again through media and pop culture and peers, was stronger than my urge to have sex, my wish to be a mom.

If I had said yes, would I have a beautiful four-year-old right now? Who knows for sure? All I know is that I wasted hundreds and hundreds of eggs because I’m the good girl, I’m the responsible one.