My friend Jill picked me up yesterday about 8:30 to head to Syracuse. I managed to make it through Thursday with very few tears. It helped that I was busy at work, even stayed a little later than usual.
My mom met us at the fertility guru's office, and as much as I hated leaving Jill and my mom alone, I really didn't want anyone to go back with me. I got undressed, and listened to how the procedure would go, my instructions for the weekend, and that I would need to come back in about 10 days for a follow-up appointment.
"At that point, if you're ready, we can talk about next steps. But you need to grieve, you need to mourn. This is a loss just like any other."
At that point I started to cry. Who was I kidding when I thought I was all cried out? The IV was in, I signed papers, I answered questions, and then FG came in with a hug. "I'm going to check...."
He pulled the screen around so I couldn't see, and put the ultrasound probe in. "Looks like it did the other day."
And that was that. My embryo was still dead. But soon, it would be out. And I could move on.
Even though I knew the embryo was no longer viable, since Tuesday, I still felt pregnant. All the symptoms, all the feelings. It was like a cruel joke. And amazingly, last night, just a suddenly, I didn't feel pregnant. No hunger around 8:30 while I was lying in bed, reading. No more sore breasts. Like a snap of the fingers, I wasn't pregnant.
I took it easy yesterday, napping, watching TV, pillow on my lap to try to alleviate the cramps. I think I was asleep before 9:00 last night. Today, I stayed busy. Bank, Wegmans, Salvation Army drop-off, post office -- all before 11:00.
I made soup today. And bread. I bought ingredients to make chicken wing dip tomorrow for the Super Bowl. I know I won't feel like going out to watch the game, so I'll stay in. My neighbors might drop in, but other than, it'll be a quiet game for me.
I talked to a couple friends today, and my niece and mom. All calling to check on me. I don't want to hear how strong I am. I don't think of myself as strong. What else am I going to do? I'm not going to quit, I'm not going to stay in bed all day. I'm getting up, I'm doing what I have to do, but I'm not strong.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
A Change of Plans
I had such high hopes for this post and the subsequent ones to come. I was going to start back up after the retrieval, talk in detail about:
* the three embryos being transferred into me the day before Christmas Eve
* my drive on Christmas Eve (intended destination Richmond)
* the wintry mix all the way through Pennsylvania when I finally had enough and checked into a hotel about 30 miles north of Harrisburg
* how, about 3:30, I was sick on being in the hotel room and decided I had had enough, for the second time that day
* I drove as far as Baltimore and went to midnight mass at the Cathedral with Bubbles, lighting a novena, praying to Mary, St. Vincent de Paul and St. Thomas More for the three precious little lives inside of me
* how that night, that warm balmy night in Baltimore, I made a new-year's resolution to go back to church
* it was 60 and sunny when I drove to Richmond the next day
* there was fun day after Christmas shopping, out the door at 5:30am
* and then, how on January 2, less than an hour after I mailed the first part of my adoption paperwork out, my hCG levels were 130.
I didn't tell anyone. I kept it to myself, having learned my lesson last time. But I was encouraged by the high number (last time my first test was 47). And then three days later, it was 460. No more blood tests....just wait for January 20 for my first pre-natal ultrasound.
I was terrified going for it. I imagined the worst. I imagined laying on the table, probe inside me, and seeing nothing. And then having to deal with the drive home, 60 miles from Syracuse to Ithaca, knowing that the excitement of the past two weeks was nothing.
And you know what happened? I saw my baby's heartbeat. I found out my due date. And exactly how far along I was. And all the burping, and the bloating, and the gas, and the sore breasts....all normal, all worth it.
I took a picture of the embryo with me, and thought about all the things I'd collected since the day before Christmas Eve that would go in the scrapbook. And I got back to Ithaca just in time to see Barack Obama take the oath of office. And how inspiring. This man is going to be my baby's first president. What a wonderful year to have a baby. So much for our country, for me, for my little family.
And even more hope, later that afternoon when the doctor's office called to tell me that my hCG levels were over 31,500. And so I started to feel safe. I was doing everything right. Prenatal vitamins, baby aspirin every morning, progesterone suppositories four times a day, estrogen pills twice a day...and really good blood levels. I needed to relax and just enjoy this now.
I felt none of the trepidation yesterday as I made my trek to Syracuse for my seven-week ultrasound. I had my list of questions -- which I refused to make last week because I was convinced something would be wrong and I wouldn't need the answers anyway.
And then, there I was laying on the table, probe inside me. And I saw the embryo, starting to look a little bit more human. And what I didn't see -- and what I knew before the tech's face gave it away -- there was no heart beat. She changed the size of my uterus on screen, she changed angles. She told me to breath and then she went to get the doctor.
But I knew. It was just as I had imagined it would be the week before. Fertility Guru came in, held my hands and started talking to me about being positive, how this was nature's way of fixing things, that I did nothing wrong, that I could have done nothing to prevent this. He did his own look, but it was just going through the motions. We all knew. The embryo -- not baby yet -- had stopped growing at six weeks four days. Technically, I was seven weeks three days.
Then there were decisions to be made. A D&C or wait for it to expel itself in about three or four weeks. In my mind, there was no choice. I want it out of me. And so Friday, I will go in for a D&C. After that, I'm not sure what happens with my body. How long I have to wait for my period, how long before we can start all over again.
I thought I was done with the shots. Done with the almost daily trips for follicle checks and lab work. Done waiting for my body to do its thing so we could schedule retrieval and transfer.
I went back to the office yesterday afternoon. I didn't know what else to do. And this morning when I woke up....what's the right thing to do? There's no manual for how to react. I went to work. I was useless. I cried a lot, and finally left at noon.
I don't know if I can cry anymore. I feel like I can't, but I'm sure there will be more tears to come over the weekend. I purposely didn't shop for maternity clothes, I purposely by-passed the children's department at Kohl's. Too early, I kept telling myself.
And even though those in the know in my family kept asking when I was going to tell the rest, I refused to budge. Too early. And now, it's too late.
Now, it's over. For now. I get a few more chances. I have about $9500 left on my fertility insurance coverage. I've spent just a little over half of my cap. So two, maybe three chances left. Not one. I'm not down to the end yet.
I'm going to take a shower and try to get a good night's sleep. I'll wake up and try going to work tomorrow. I'll be busy, I'll be preparing for missing Friday. And I won't think past tomorrow at this point. There will be plenty of time over the weekend to do that.
* the three embryos being transferred into me the day before Christmas Eve
* my drive on Christmas Eve (intended destination Richmond)
* the wintry mix all the way through Pennsylvania when I finally had enough and checked into a hotel about 30 miles north of Harrisburg
* how, about 3:30, I was sick on being in the hotel room and decided I had had enough, for the second time that day
* I drove as far as Baltimore and went to midnight mass at the Cathedral with Bubbles, lighting a novena, praying to Mary, St. Vincent de Paul and St. Thomas More for the three precious little lives inside of me
* how that night, that warm balmy night in Baltimore, I made a new-year's resolution to go back to church
* it was 60 and sunny when I drove to Richmond the next day
* there was fun day after Christmas shopping, out the door at 5:30am
* and then, how on January 2, less than an hour after I mailed the first part of my adoption paperwork out, my hCG levels were 130.
I didn't tell anyone. I kept it to myself, having learned my lesson last time. But I was encouraged by the high number (last time my first test was 47). And then three days later, it was 460. No more blood tests....just wait for January 20 for my first pre-natal ultrasound.
I was terrified going for it. I imagined the worst. I imagined laying on the table, probe inside me, and seeing nothing. And then having to deal with the drive home, 60 miles from Syracuse to Ithaca, knowing that the excitement of the past two weeks was nothing.
And you know what happened? I saw my baby's heartbeat. I found out my due date. And exactly how far along I was. And all the burping, and the bloating, and the gas, and the sore breasts....all normal, all worth it.
I took a picture of the embryo with me, and thought about all the things I'd collected since the day before Christmas Eve that would go in the scrapbook. And I got back to Ithaca just in time to see Barack Obama take the oath of office. And how inspiring. This man is going to be my baby's first president. What a wonderful year to have a baby. So much for our country, for me, for my little family.
And even more hope, later that afternoon when the doctor's office called to tell me that my hCG levels were over 31,500. And so I started to feel safe. I was doing everything right. Prenatal vitamins, baby aspirin every morning, progesterone suppositories four times a day, estrogen pills twice a day...and really good blood levels. I needed to relax and just enjoy this now.
I felt none of the trepidation yesterday as I made my trek to Syracuse for my seven-week ultrasound. I had my list of questions -- which I refused to make last week because I was convinced something would be wrong and I wouldn't need the answers anyway.
And then, there I was laying on the table, probe inside me. And I saw the embryo, starting to look a little bit more human. And what I didn't see -- and what I knew before the tech's face gave it away -- there was no heart beat. She changed the size of my uterus on screen, she changed angles. She told me to breath and then she went to get the doctor.
But I knew. It was just as I had imagined it would be the week before. Fertility Guru came in, held my hands and started talking to me about being positive, how this was nature's way of fixing things, that I did nothing wrong, that I could have done nothing to prevent this. He did his own look, but it was just going through the motions. We all knew. The embryo -- not baby yet -- had stopped growing at six weeks four days. Technically, I was seven weeks three days.
Then there were decisions to be made. A D&C or wait for it to expel itself in about three or four weeks. In my mind, there was no choice. I want it out of me. And so Friday, I will go in for a D&C. After that, I'm not sure what happens with my body. How long I have to wait for my period, how long before we can start all over again.
I thought I was done with the shots. Done with the almost daily trips for follicle checks and lab work. Done waiting for my body to do its thing so we could schedule retrieval and transfer.
I went back to the office yesterday afternoon. I didn't know what else to do. And this morning when I woke up....what's the right thing to do? There's no manual for how to react. I went to work. I was useless. I cried a lot, and finally left at noon.
I don't know if I can cry anymore. I feel like I can't, but I'm sure there will be more tears to come over the weekend. I purposely didn't shop for maternity clothes, I purposely by-passed the children's department at Kohl's. Too early, I kept telling myself.
And even though those in the know in my family kept asking when I was going to tell the rest, I refused to budge. Too early. And now, it's too late.
Now, it's over. For now. I get a few more chances. I have about $9500 left on my fertility insurance coverage. I've spent just a little over half of my cap. So two, maybe three chances left. Not one. I'm not down to the end yet.
I'm going to take a shower and try to get a good night's sleep. I'll wake up and try going to work tomorrow. I'll be busy, I'll be preparing for missing Friday. And I won't think past tomorrow at this point. There will be plenty of time over the weekend to do that.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
The Year in Review: 2008
January 2 -- Baseline U/S and blood work
January 3 -- Acupuncture
January 4 -- Start Clomid (cycle days 4-8)
January 10 -- Acupuncture
January 11 -- U/S and blood work
January 15 -- U/S and blood work
January 16 -- U/S and blood work; Trigger shot to induce ovulation
January 17 -- IUI #3
January 18 -- Begin hormone therapy: progesterone suppositories, twice daily
January 22 -- Acupuncture
January 31 -- Acupuncture
February 2 -- Negative test. Failure #3
February 7 -- Acupuncture
February 8 -- U/S and blood work
February 10 -- Start Clomid (cycle days 4-8)
February 18 -- U/S and blood work
February 20 -- U/S and blood work
February 21 -- Trigger shot to induce ovulation; Acupuncture
February 22 -- IUI #4
February 23 -- Begin hormone therapy: progesterone suppositories, three times daily
February 25 -- Acupuncture
March 4 -- Acupuncture
March 6 -- Period. Failure #4
March 9 -- Baseline U/S and blood work
March 10 -- Start Clomid (cycle days 4-8)
March 18 -- U/S and blood work
March 20 -- U/S and blood work; Trigger shot to induce ovulation
March 21 -- IUI #5
March 22 -- Begin hormone therapy: progesterone suppositories, three times daily
April 8 -- Negative test. Failure #5
April 9 -- Baseline U/S and blood work
April 11 -- Start Clomid (cycle days 4-8)
April 13 -- U/S and blood work
April 22 -- U/S and blood work
April 25 -- Trigger shot to induce ovulation
April 26 -- IUI #6
April 27 -- Begin hormone therapy: progesterone suppositories, three times daily
May 9 -- Negative test. Failure #6
May 15 -- Consultation with Dr. Melendez
May 20 -- Dye test, possible blockage in right fallopian tube
May 22 -- Follow-up to dye test
May 28 -- Injectables training
June 9 -- Pre-op appointment at hospital
June 11 -- Surgery, no blockage
June 17 -- Follow-up to surgery
July 1 -- Baseline U/S and blood work; FSH levels almost doubled since last year (not a good thing)
July 22 -- Blood work
August 18 -- Phone consultation with Dr. Kiltz
August 19 -- Begin daily medications: injectables (in stomach) – Gonal-F, Lupron; Oral: baby aspirin, continue daily
August 27 -- U/S and blood work
September 2 -- U/S and blood work
September 5 -- U/S and blood work
September 8 -- U/S and blood work
September 10 -- U/S and blood work
September 12 -- U/S and blood work
September 15 -- U/S and blood work; Trigger shot (in stomach) to induce Ovulation
September 17 -- Acupuncture
September 18 -- Egg retrieval – seven eggs
September 19 Embryologist calls to say five embryos; begin progesterone
suppositories, three times daily
September 22 -- Acupuncture
September 23 -- Three embryos transferred, IVF #1
October 2 -- hCG level of 47 – positive; Acupuncture
October 6 -- Dropping hCG levels – negative. Failure #7
October 22 -- Baseline U/S and blood work
October 22 -- Begin daily medications: injectables (intra-muscular) – progesterone
in oil; progesterone suppositories, three times daily
October 27 -- Two embryos transferred, continue shots and suppositories, IVF #2
October 28 -- Acupuncture
October 31 -- Hosted baby shower #2 since trying to get pregnant
November 7 -- Negative test. Failure #8
November 13 -- Acupuncture
November 14 -- Begin BCP for two weeks to force cycle timing before Christmas
December 2 -- Baseline U/S and blood work
December 2 -- Begin daily medications: injectables (in stomach) – Gonal-F, Lupron
December 8 -- U/S and blood work; Acupuncture
December 10 -- U/S and blood work
December 12 -- U/S and blood work
December 15 -- U/S and blood work
December 17 -- U/S and blood work
December 19 -- Acupuncture
December 20 -- Egg retrieval -- seven eggs; Acupuncture
December 21 -- Embryologist calls to say three embryos; begin progesterone suppositories, four times daily
December 23 -- Three embryos transferred, IVF #3; Acupuncture pre- and post-transfer
January 3 -- Acupuncture
January 4 -- Start Clomid (cycle days 4-8)
January 10 -- Acupuncture
January 11 -- U/S and blood work
January 15 -- U/S and blood work
January 16 -- U/S and blood work; Trigger shot to induce ovulation
January 17 -- IUI #3
January 18 -- Begin hormone therapy: progesterone suppositories, twice daily
January 22 -- Acupuncture
January 31 -- Acupuncture
February 2 -- Negative test. Failure #3
February 7 -- Acupuncture
February 8 -- U/S and blood work
February 10 -- Start Clomid (cycle days 4-8)
February 18 -- U/S and blood work
February 20 -- U/S and blood work
February 21 -- Trigger shot to induce ovulation; Acupuncture
February 22 -- IUI #4
February 23 -- Begin hormone therapy: progesterone suppositories, three times daily
February 25 -- Acupuncture
March 4 -- Acupuncture
March 6 -- Period. Failure #4
March 9 -- Baseline U/S and blood work
March 10 -- Start Clomid (cycle days 4-8)
March 18 -- U/S and blood work
March 20 -- U/S and blood work; Trigger shot to induce ovulation
March 21 -- IUI #5
March 22 -- Begin hormone therapy: progesterone suppositories, three times daily
April 8 -- Negative test. Failure #5
April 9 -- Baseline U/S and blood work
April 11 -- Start Clomid (cycle days 4-8)
April 13 -- U/S and blood work
April 22 -- U/S and blood work
April 25 -- Trigger shot to induce ovulation
April 26 -- IUI #6
April 27 -- Begin hormone therapy: progesterone suppositories, three times daily
May 9 -- Negative test. Failure #6
May 15 -- Consultation with Dr. Melendez
May 20 -- Dye test, possible blockage in right fallopian tube
May 22 -- Follow-up to dye test
May 28 -- Injectables training
June 9 -- Pre-op appointment at hospital
June 11 -- Surgery, no blockage
June 17 -- Follow-up to surgery
July 1 -- Baseline U/S and blood work; FSH levels almost doubled since last year (not a good thing)
July 22 -- Blood work
August 18 -- Phone consultation with Dr. Kiltz
August 19 -- Begin daily medications: injectables (in stomach) – Gonal-F, Lupron; Oral: baby aspirin, continue daily
August 27 -- U/S and blood work
September 2 -- U/S and blood work
September 5 -- U/S and blood work
September 8 -- U/S and blood work
September 10 -- U/S and blood work
September 12 -- U/S and blood work
September 15 -- U/S and blood work; Trigger shot (in stomach) to induce Ovulation
September 17 -- Acupuncture
September 18 -- Egg retrieval – seven eggs
September 19 Embryologist calls to say five embryos; begin progesterone
suppositories, three times daily
September 22 -- Acupuncture
September 23 -- Three embryos transferred, IVF #1
October 2 -- hCG level of 47 – positive; Acupuncture
October 6 -- Dropping hCG levels – negative. Failure #7
October 22 -- Baseline U/S and blood work
October 22 -- Begin daily medications: injectables (intra-muscular) – progesterone
in oil; progesterone suppositories, three times daily
October 27 -- Two embryos transferred, continue shots and suppositories, IVF #2
October 28 -- Acupuncture
October 31 -- Hosted baby shower #2 since trying to get pregnant
November 7 -- Negative test. Failure #8
November 13 -- Acupuncture
November 14 -- Begin BCP for two weeks to force cycle timing before Christmas
December 2 -- Baseline U/S and blood work
December 2 -- Begin daily medications: injectables (in stomach) – Gonal-F, Lupron
December 8 -- U/S and blood work; Acupuncture
December 10 -- U/S and blood work
December 12 -- U/S and blood work
December 15 -- U/S and blood work
December 17 -- U/S and blood work
December 19 -- Acupuncture
December 20 -- Egg retrieval -- seven eggs; Acupuncture
December 21 -- Embryologist calls to say three embryos; begin progesterone suppositories, four times daily
December 23 -- Three embryos transferred, IVF #3; Acupuncture pre- and post-transfer
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