A Lot to Think About

I went up to Syracuse on Wednesday to meet with FG. He told me that, given my age, the number of cycles I've done, and the dosage I've been on, I have less than a 5% chance of getting pregnant with my own eggs. I can't even comprehend or articulate the level of disappointment I felt when I heard that.

So what, if any, are my options?

If I go with an egg donor, I have a 65% chance of getting pregnant and a 50% chance of staying pregnant (about the same as a person with no medical issues getting pregnant the traditional way) and a 95% of becoming a mom through adoption.

I cried, and he hugged, and he said all the things he says. "You couldn't have done anything more than you did. This isn't about what you did or didn't do. It's your eggs. And they may have been like this for years. You didn't wait too long. Everything is going to work out the way that it's supposed to."

I told him I was open to an egg donor, but that the $11,000 was out of my price range. And that's when he said, I have options and he had the egg donor coordinator come in and talk to me.

They have a program where two women share the same donor. The cost is $6200, and they would bill my insurance for the transfer. I have $1154 left of fertility coverage. So basically, an option, without my own eggs, very close to the $5000 number I through out at lunch the other day. So close in fact that is $5000.

I told her I was going on vacation and would give her a call when I get back. I think I know what I'm doing, but I have doubts every once in a while. And so I'm taking time to think, to figure it out. To come up with questions and wait for answers.

The Year in Review: 2009 (continued)

June 1 -- U/S and blood work
June 2 -- Yoga; Spotting
June 3 -- U/S and blood work; Decide to go with IUI this month
June 4 -- IUI #7; Acupuncture
June 5 -- Acupuncture
June 7 -- Begin daily medications: injectables (in stomach) Lovonox, and (intra-muscular) Progesterone in Oil; three progesterone suppositories
June 9 -- Yoga
June 11 -- Acupuncture
June 16 -- Yoga
June 18 -- Negative test. Failure #11.
June 21 -- Start period
June 22 -- Baseline U/S and blood work; start BCP for three weeks
June 23 -- Yoga
June 30 -- Yoga

July 7 -- Yoga; fertility massage
July 13 -- U/S and blood work; fertility massage
July 14 -- Yoga
July 15 -- Acupuncture; start period
July 17 -- U/S and blood work; Begin daily medication: injectable (in stomach) Gonal-F
July 20 -- U/S and blood work; support group
July 22 -- U/S and blood work; continue with Gonal-F, start Gannorellix (injectable)
July 23 -- Acupuncture
July 24 -- U/S and blood work
July 25 -- Fertility massage
July 27 -- U/S and blood work
July 28 -- Yoga
July 29 -- U/S and blood work
July 31 -- U/S and blood work

August 3 -- Fertility massage
August 4 -- Retrieval (5 eggs); start progesterone suppositories (3 daily); acupuncture
August 6 -- Transfer (2 embryos); begin daily medications: injectable (in stomach) Lovanox, and (intramuscular) Progesterone in oil; acupuncture
August 11 -- Yoga
August 13 -- Acupuncture
August 18 -- Negative Test. Failure #12.
August 19 -- Consult with doctor.

The Word of the Day is Negative

So apparently driving up to Syracuse, to mix things up, for my blood test did not offer any different result. They called me about 9:45 and said the test was negative. I immediately made an appointment with the Fertility Guru for a consult. It's tomorrow at 2:30.

I'm not sure what I'm hoping to hear, but I'm still hopeful he'll have something to tell me. Twelve times, with medical and medicinal intervention, I tried to get pregnant. Once it worked for a few days. Once it worked for less than two months. And 10 times, it just didn't work. Clearly, there is something wrong with my body. My eggs.

I know that sometimes people donate their embryos, or even their eggs (beyond the egg donor for money program). One of his nurses told me that she got pregnant using donated sperm that a couple had purchased and then realized they couldn't go through with it. Where's that kind of intervention for me? It can't hurt to ask.

The egg donor program (from which my favorite nurse has 21-month-old twins) is $11,000. I can't shell out that kind of money for not a 100% guarantee that I will get and stay pregnant. It's $6,000 if I use an egg donor that's a friend or family member. I went down that path last year. Other than my friend that offered and then backed out and my niece (who has her own medical issues and probably wouldn't be able to do it), I can't think of anyone I would ask. It's a huge decision. Both of these people offered.

The ironic thing is, as we were talking about it at lunch today, if FG could make something work somehow, I would be willing to spend $5,000 out of pocket (for anything not using my own egg). So close to the $6,000 if I had my own egg donor.

And so I'm back to not knowing what to do next. I'm hoping that, if nothing else, the consult tomorrow will give me some closure so that I'll be able to move on to the next plan and have peace with whatever that decision is.

My friend April, who went through her own fertility treatment and is currently pregnant, is going with me tomorrow. I'll need support, and I'll need someone who can help me ask the tough questions.

I guess if I get nothing but closure tomorrow, I will make an appointment with my adoption social worker (who has all of the first part of the process completed) and really look at the costs. I'll follow up on the two possibly not wanted pregnancies that I know of (friend of a friend of a friend sort of thing). And I'll follow up with my mother's priest who is looking into a private adoption from Nigeria (his home country).

Weirdness

I've been having some weird sensations, and I'm trying not to read into them. I had some twinges the other day (less than any other month) and then on Saturday, twice, a weird, intense, stabbing pain -- that went just as quickly as it came. Tonight, a different ache (?) that went from my uterus down into my cervix. Again, it was quick. And then it was gone.

Sometimes they take my breath away, sometimes I'm doubled over. Not in agony, more in surprise by the feeling. I'm taking this all as a good thing.

I talked to Bubbles today, who had some words of wisdom for my about my experience with the pregnant woman yesterday. "She's the one who was meant for that baby. Your baby will come on a different day."

It made me feel better. A little.

Still

Not sure what I'm feeling, trying not to think too much. For the first time in a few days, or the first time I really payed attention, I felt some twinges yesterday. And twice, I felt a sharp, quick pain in my uterus. No idea what it was, what it means.

Just a couple more days of waiting, and I go back to work tomorrow, so hopefully that will keep my mind off of things.

I went to my friend's baby's baptism this morning. I detest going to things like this as a single person. I would be so much more interesting if I had a pregnancy to talk about. Oh but, I did. Just not mine. There were lots of babies there. And a pregnant woman. Who's due date was my old due date.

I was fine through church and almost all of brunch, and then I just needed to leave. I teared up a little as I was leaving. Heather's mother gave me a hug and wished me luck on Tuesday. That was the tipping point. I just needed to come home and relax and not be with people.

I know I owe my friend Jan in Baltimore a phone call. But I can't do it. I don't want to talk about it. Last I talked to her, I was getting ready for retrieval. I can't go into the last two weeks, and my emotions, and what happens if... I just can't do it.

So the agenda for tonight -- a cold shower (summer has FINALLY arrived in Ithaca), my meditation CD, and bed. And hopefully, I can sleep.

Limbo

I'm in that limbo spot -- well past the transfer and the need to treat my body so delicately, but still six days from the blood test. I'm almost indifferent but I know that as each day ticks away, my mood will change. Fear will creep in.

I'm trying not to over-analyze if it goes the wrong way. What's meant to be will be, right? So if I' not, what does that mean?

I'm also trying not to look into too many signs. But lately, they've been hard to ignore.

Friday....it was the Family Guy episode where Peter goes to the sperm bank
Saturday....Law & Order with murder at a cryogenic lab and a court fight over frozen embryos
Monday....the Golden Girls and Blanche's daughter getting artificially inseminated
Tuesday...a ladybug (for good luck) in my bedroom

Who knows what tonight will bring?

A Whirlwind Week in Review

Monday...awake for about three hours in the middle of the night, at work by 6:30am, head to Syracuse at 7:45 for a 9am fertility massage.

Tuesday...awake on and off, thinking about this being the last attempt, finally up at 5am. Jill picked me up at 6am and we headed to Syracuse for the retrieval. This was her first time doing this procedure with me. It was interesting to hear her describe it to me -- how FG pushed down on my stomach, how I was wincing in pain even as I was totally unaware of it, and how he used 10 to 15 giant Q-tips to stop the bleeding.

They were able to get five eggs. Respectable, I guess, at this stage in the game. I did acupuncture after the retrieval and rested at home the remainder of the day. I had things piled up on the DVR specifically for this.

Wednesday...awake since 2am. The day was going to be interesting, for sure. I got a call from the FG's office about 8:30. They injected three of the five eggs, and two became embryos. I was a little disappointed in the number, but tried to be positive that I only really needed one.

And then the kicker, "transfer is tomorrow." What? I was thinking Friday. Three to five days from retrieval would be Friday or Saturday. Bubbles was driving up from Baltimore on Thursday. I called her immediately and sounded the alarm. "I'll be there tonight."

I'm a planner. I had two full days worth of meetings on Wednesday and Thursday. I canceled my Wednesday morning meeting, pushing it off until next week. And did what I could for the rest of the day. Heather bought me a regular Pepsi (at this point, I'm off the artificial sweeteners, so no diet) at lunch, which helped me get through the afternoon.

I did a Wegmans run and $100 later (food to lay around and percolate to in the next two days) came home to clean the house. I managed to sit about 9pm, running on fumes at this point. Bubbles arrived about 9:45. And at that point, I was able to relax.

Thursday...I slept better last night, and was up at 6:15am to shower and be ready to leave by 7am. At Bubbles' suggestion, I made myself a mimosa. Her theory? Drunk girls always get pregnant. So one mimosa down and another in the travel mug, we headed to Syracuse.

FG came in with a picture of "two awesome, amazing and beautiful embryos" and as he inserted them into my uterus, Bubbles talked to them. Telling them to hang on, that we loved them, that we've been waiting for them for so long, that she's going to spoil them, and all sorts of amazing things. I was laying there, watching on the ultrasound screen through my tears and hoping with everything I have that they were paying attention and would listen to their Aunt Bubbles.

After acupuncture, we were back home. I napped on and off all afternoon, while Bubbles watched the entire third season of The Tudors on OnDemand. And by the time I was ready to head up to bed, Jane Seymour and Thomas Cromwell were dead, Anne of Cleves was now Henry's "sister," and the king was seducing his soon-to-be fifth wife.

Friday....another relaxing day, though we did venture outside. We met Jill for brunch and then wandered to Target and Kohl's. The rest of the day was spent much like the day before. I rested and allowed the embryos lots of quiet time to do their thing.

And so the week in review, not a lot of sleeping at the beginning, and then not a lot of much else at the end. And two awesome, amazing and beautiful embryos hunkering down into a lining almost 12mm thick.

Drunk Girls Always Get Pregnant

I had a good doctor's appointment yesterday, with several follicles on the low 20s. Tonight is my last night of "jiffy pop" medicine, tomorrow I do the trigger shots at exactly 8pm, Monday morning I have a final fertility massage scheduled, and then Tuesday, Jill is taking me up to Syracuse for retrieval. The final retrieval.

Bubbles will be heading up from Baltimore on Thursday to take me to the transfer, which should be Friday (could be Saturday). She has been saying for two years that I need to go to the doctor drunk on procedure day. "Cuz drunk girls always get pregnant."

I'm giving in. She's bringing a split of champagne, and I will be drinking mimosas in my travel coffee mug. I figure one will get me buzzed, considering I haven't had a drink in several months and haven't gotten properly drunk since Babe's birthday in February.

Even though I heard everything I wanted to do at my appointment, I couldn't shake an image out of me head. Of me pulling up to my brother's house in Richmond, and collapsing in tears in my sister-in-law's arms. I'll be headed there at the end of the month, and I pray that that image doesn't come true.

My eyes kept tearing up, I turned the radio up louder, turned music on, trying to sing along. Nothing could get that image out of my head. Finally, I turned my yoga CD on and listened to the chanting and prayer in that music. It helped a little.