Eleven Down....One to Go

My test was negative today. I was indifferent to the results. It has become the norm to hear the bad news, at this point. I can only cry so many times.

The girls and I went on a field trip after getting the news. Wal-Mart to get me a diet Pepsi; Kohls for a shopping excursion; and McDonald's for grease.

And then I got back to the office and ran into a co-worker who is only in the office on Tuesdays and Thursdays. She had been looking for me the other day, wanted to tell me something before I heard it from someone else, was just going to say it.

"You're pregnant." It wasn't a question, because just like hearing the negative test result, hearing that other people are pregnant has become the norm. "I'm happy for you."

"I know you are."

"I'm probably going to cry, but I'm happy for you." And then I walked into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and sobbed.

After that one of my friends said, "maybe you just adopt. Isn't that what they say? You adopt, and then when you least expect it...."

But that's not going to happen to me. Unless Mr. Right suddenly shows up. It happens to those people because they have a husband, they're having sex. The only sex I'm having these days is protected -- or it should be.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm ready to give up. But I won't. I have one try left and I have to do it. I've already called in my prescription refills for the next round of ovarian stimulants, even before I get my period.

And so I'll do what I've done the last 10 times I've heard, "the test was negative, if you want to try again, call us on the first day of your cycle." I'll feel sorry for myself for the weekend, and then get right back on the horse.

This, however, will be the last horse I'm riding. Win or lose. After the next round, I'm done.

Some days are so hard

Babies are everywhere. And if they're not there, their parents are, talking about them. And some days, I'm happy to listen and join in on the conversation, and others....not so much.

Today was one of those days.

A group of us went to lunch today and on the way drive back to work, it was nothing but babies.

And the right amount of years between the first and second. (Can I just have one, please, before all you breeders start planning for your next one?)

And when people were going to start trying to having a baby. "We're going to start in August." (And you'll probably be pregnant by the end of the year.)

And how one baby is getting teeth and the other one is walking. (I got nothing on that one, just sadness for myself.)

I went to read my Rochester friends' blog -- and shouldn't have since it's all about the little girl they just adopted. Probably not the best reading in my current mood. She's thisclose to crawling, and eating new foods and has new teeth. And I'm so happy for them -- and so sad and jealous.

It's one of those nights when I'm hoping for no baby-related shows, an easy fall to sleep, and a restful night. I have yoga tomorrow, and I'm hoping to be out of this mood by then.

I have my blood test on Thursday. I'm feeling indifferent. Some twinges, less than last month, but then again, I wasn't pregnant last month.

I'm so tempted to buy an HPT, but I won't.

But I want to.

Visualize...and Make it Happen

FG offered a class in making vision boards last week. It was at the same time as yoga, and not really wanting to be the only single one there, I opted to go to yoga. But that's not to say that I totally give up on the vision board idea.

Two procedures ago, he told me to visualize. "See what you want. Imagine what you will get. Think about a beautiful healthy baby. See your child." And so, I found this picture in a magazine and though, not every night, I try to look at this picture often.



I don't know what my child will look like. I only know that when I saw this picture in a magazine, it made me think of what my child could look like.

I showed FG two weeks ago when I went in for my IUI. He looked at the picture and grabbed my hand. "I have chills."

And for those who don't know what I look like, here is a picture of me at about 2 1/2.

The Year in Review: 2009 (so far)

January 2 -- hCG levels 130 -- positive
January 6 -- hCG levels 455 -- still positive, officially pregnant
January 7 -- Acupuncture
January 14 -- Acupuncture
January 20 -- Six-week ultrasound, see heart beat
January 21 -- Acupuncture
January 27 -- Seven-week ultrasound, no heart beat
January 30 -- D&C. Failure #9

February 9 -- Follow-up appointment in Syracuse
February 16 -- Blood work, hCG levels still visable
February 23 -- Blood work, hCG levels still visable

March 2 -- Blood work, hCG levels finally stabilize
March 4 -- Acupuncture
March 31 -- Baseline U/S and blood work; Acupuncture

April 2 -- Begin daily medications: injectables (in stomach) -- Gonal-F, Menopur, Lupron
April 6 -- U/S and blood work
April 7 -- Acupuncture
April 8 -- U/S and blood work
April 10 -- U/S and blood work
April 13 -- U/S and blood work
April 15 -- U/S and blood work
April 17 -- U/S and blood work
April 18 -- U/S and blood work
April 20 -- U/S and blood work
April 23 -- Acupuncture
April 24 -- Egg retrieval -- four eggs; acupuncture pre- and post-retrieval
April 25 -- Embryologist called, two embryos; begin daily medication: injectables(in stomach) -- Lovenox, (intra-muscular) progesterone in oil; three progesterone suppositories daily
April 27 -- Three embryos transferred (there was a late bloomer that decided to fertilize); acupuncture pre- and post-transfer; IVF #4
April 30 -- Acupuncture

May 7 -- Acupuncture
May 8 -- Negative test. Failure #10
May 15 -- Baseline U/S and blood work
May 16 -- Begin daily medications: injectables (in stomach) – Gonal-F, Menopur, Lupron
May 19 -- Yoga for Fertility class
May 20 -- U/S and blood work
May 21 -- Acupuncture
May 22 -- U/S and blood work
May 25 -- U/S and blood work
May 26 -- Yoga for Fertility Class
May 27 -- U/S and blood work
May 29 -- U/S and blood work; acupuncture

June 1 -- U/S and blood work
June 2 -- Yoga; Spotting
June 3 -- U/S and blood work; Decide to go with IUI this month
June 4 -- IUI #7; Acupuncture
June 5 -- Acupuncture
June 7 -- Begin daily medications: injectables (in stomach) Lovonox, (intramuscular) progesterone in oil; three progesterone suppositories

Doing it Old School

I went for my IUI today. Sixteen point eight million sperm were inserted into my uterus. I had acupuncture before and after. And then I came home and rested. I've got four good follicles on the right side, three C-grade on the left. And 16.8 million sperm! Could just one of them buy one of my girls a drink? Please? It's a sure bet.

When I was getting dressed, I heard the FG's voice in the hallway. I opened the door and he gave me a hug. "You could be pregnant right now."

"I don't know if they swim that fast."

"You need to think pregnant. Are you visualizing? Are you praying? Are you chanting? Are you relaxing? Are you thinking about what you want? It will come to you, or something better. What is meant to be yours, will be."

Just once, I want to lay my head on his lap, have him stroke my hair, and listen to him tell me about what it's like to live in his world. I want to know what it's like to live in a world where you are so happy and positive. All the time. Just being around makes me feel like I can be that positive.

I had a professor in college. I took all of his classes. And I wanted to marry him. I wasn't attracted to him. I was inspired by him. Whenever I left his class, I would get two feet out the door and I would have to stop and write down a million things that I wanted to write about, thoughts I had in my head.

That's the way I feel about the FG. I'm attracted to his mind and his spirit. And his willingness to do so much for so many people to help them fulfill their dreams.

When I walked through the waiting room, I saw someone I knew from high school. He said hi, so I stopped and said hi.

What exactly is the etiquette when you see someone at the fertility specialist's office anyway? As I was driving home I thought about it, and likened it to running into someone you know at the naughty store. You're both embarrassed and then you realize that you're both there for the same reason. We talked for a few minutes, he introduced me to his wife and then I was off to acupuncture.

I listened to my yoga CD on the drive home. Stayed relaxed. Tried to think pregnant. And then a deer started to run across the highway. I slowed down and I now know where the expression "deer in the headlights" comes from. She just stood there, until I beeped my horn and she ran back into the woods. I saved a life today. Always a good thing.

I rested all afternoon. I thought good thoughts. I have tomorrow off, though I will need to go up to the office to get some work to do over the weekend. Other than writing a couple of articles for a newsletter, it's going to be a low-key weekend, letting these millions of little guys try to find their way to one of my girls.

IVF vs IUI

I drove to Syracuse for yoga last night. When I got there, I noticed a little cramping in my stomach but thought that it was probably follicle growth. And didn't think about it again.

When I was driving home, I stopped for something to eat, and then a little while later noticed that my stomach hurt. More like I shouldn't have eaten McDonald's than anything else. Again, I didn't think anything of it.

I got home about 9pm, utterly exhausted at the prospect of doing anything other than falling into my bed. But, given that I had to leave my house at 6:15am to go back to Syracuse for a follicle check, I dragged myself into the shower. At least with a full shower and my hair out of the way, I would only have to take a quick jump in the shower in the morning.

And then I noticed it. The faintest of spotting. WTF?! I tried not to freak out. Spotting happens. It doesn't mean anything. I woke up twice in the middle of the night and checked. Nothing.

And then this morning, it was back again. The lightest and fairest amount while still existing. I thought about what it meant all the way to Syracuse. Three weeks of shots. Driving 60 miles round-trip every other day. Another month of waiting for this to just be over. All the way to Syracuse.

When I got to the doctor's office, I burst into tears as soon as the first nurse closed the exam door and asked how I was. "I think I'm getting my period." She calmly told me it could be the hormones, that my blood levels haven't indicated that I ovulated, that let's take it one step at a time and see what the ultrasound looked like and what my levels were today.

She then took my blood pressure, which is usually in the 100/70 or 95/66 range. Today? 141/100. Clearly I had gotten myself worked up.

Donna -- the nurse who has been monitoring me and doing all my ultrasounds -- came in and was just as calm as Cory had been. Lining looks good. Follicles still really full. But the blood work will be the determining factor.

We talked about options. Because it's my last IVF, we might not want to do that since the conditions aren't perfect. But she was concerned about this also being the last of my sperm. Not the case -- the donor I am using has more available. So she floated the idea of an IUI out there. Interesting.

(IUI is inter-uterine insemination and what I did for my first six attempts. They put the sperm directly into my uterus using a catheter, rather than retrieve the eggs and put embryos back in with IVF.)

She told me to get dressed and relax. She would call me once she got the blood work back. I managed to calm down on my way back to Ithaca. I listened to my yoga CD, cried only a few times, and by the time I got to work, I felt better.

Donna called around lunchtime. Was I still spotting? A little, but not that much. It hadn't worsened in any event. My blood levels indicated that I did not ovulate. "What do you want to do?"

"I'd be willing to do IUI this month."

"Good, that's what I think we should do too."

And so (unless I actually start bleeding tonight) the last three weeks of shots and trips to Syracuse and hormones and the anticipation and preparation aren't wasted. And it means two more tries, not one. Because if the IUI doesn't work, I still have the IVF to do.

So tomorrow? What else? Back to Syracuse. Acupuncture first, then the procedure, then another round of acupuncture. And then I'm going to take tomorrow and Friday off to lay low. And rest. And think good pregnancy thoughts.

Not the Fastest Growing Follicles

I went back to Syracuse this morning, for what I was hoping was the last follicle check. Not so fast. "You're not going to win any contests for the fastest-growing follicles, but they're close..."

The left ovary is still pretty sluggish -- the three follicles in 11-13mm at best. The right is very close. One of the four is 19mm, and the rest are right behind it. More shooting up tonight and tomorrow, and back to the doctor on Wednesday.

At this appointment, the nurse guessed that possibly Friday could be retrieval day.

So yoga tomorrow night, and back on Wednesday.