A Late Bloomer

I went to Syracuse yesterday for the embryo transfer, still a little down about only four eggs and two embryos. FG walked and said, "we've got three beautiful embryos."

Both Jill and I said, "no, two."

"No, three. One more decided to grow." And I started to cry, and as FG does so well, he held my hand, hugged me and talked about God's plan and visually what it is I want, a beautiful baby. He spent a good five to seven minutes with me -- an eternity for someone as busy as he is -- and then his parting words.

"Remember God gives us what we ask for...and sometimes something better."

And so I visualized on Hope, Faith and Bob -- my three beautiful embryos -- and the goal. A beautiful, healthy baby.

The transfer went really well, and by the time I left my second acupuncture session of the day, my mood did a complete 180. I have hope again, I have a positive attitude. And right now, I have three lives inside of me. And right now, at least one of them is burrowing in and getting ready for the next nine months.

Putting all my eggs in one basket

I went to Syracuse yesterday for my retrieval. After three weeks of injections and nine ultrasounds, after two months of waiting to get back on the horse following the miscarriage, it was finally time.

Hope went with me to drive me home following the procedure. She had never been with me to one of these appointments, but I've told her so much, she knew what to expect. They let her stay in the room with me while I was out and they did the actual retrieval. So she was right there when I woke up.

Four eggs. I felt like I got punched in the stomach. Four? Only four? Hope told me that embryologist said they looked really good, that I should get three or four embryos from them. I was disappointed, but tried to remain positive.

We continued with our adventure, over to the office next door for acupuncture, and then headed south back home. I had lunch with Heather and then did a little grocery shopping. By that point, I was worn out and a little crampy. I needed to remember that even though I recover from this procedure much better than anyone ever expects, I still had a surgical procedure done. I went home, put the freezer and fridge stuff away and left the rest on the counter, before climbing into my chair and sleeping for the next three hours.

I alternatively felt sorry for myself and my four eggs and tried to think positively -- I only need one embryo to get pregnant. Still, being able to put two or three in would increase my chances.

I went to bed early last night, still tired.

I had foster care class this morning. Already in week 8. I'm actually going to get through these 11 weeks -- wow. I had my phone on vibrate and the FG's office called about 10:30.

"They injected all four eggs and two fertilized, so that's great. You've got two embryos."

It's better than one or none. But again, disappointment. This shows me that my quality egg reserve is not-so-slowly dwindling. My first retrieval was seven eggs, and netted five embryos. The second retrieval was seven eggs, three embryos. This time, four and two.

Is it Friday yet?

Another trip to Syracuse yesterday and the follicles are growing slowly, but steadily. With three mature, and the other four lagging behind, they've scheduled me for retrieval on Friday. Finally!

I had to do shots last night and tonight, and then blood work (but no U/S) tomorrow. Tomorrow night at precisely 9pm, I will do the trigger shots (hCG, to start the egg release), nothing on Thursday, and then Friday the big day.

I gotta tell you, last week at this time, I didn't know if it would ever get here. Fingers crossed that he can pull out a lot of good eggs.

Retrieval and a UTI

Lucky me! I drove up to Syracuse this morning for my U/S at the FG's office. They immediately saw things differently than my local doctor's office. I guess the follicles are clustered and on top of each other, so I have more mature than two and they think I will be ready for retrieval on Wednesday. I will continue shooting up tonight and tomorrow, and then back to Syracuse for another U/S on Monday morning.

I also noticed Wednesday night (when I got up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night) an unusual irritation. I hadn't had a yeast infection since college, but I was remembering this was what it was like. It wasn't constant, really just when I went to the bathroom. I mentioned it to the doctor's office yesterday and they said yes that could very well be the case because of all the extra hormones, that if I could stick it out one more night they would test me this morning.

They did a urine test, and there were in fact leukocytes in the urine, indicating not a yeast infection, but the start of an urinary tract infection. So I'm on antibiotics for 10 days. And I'm drinking lots of cranberry juice.

TGIF

I went for my U/S this morning -- the 7th one in less than three weeks -- and blood work. I have two follicles over 20mm, the rest are still pretty small, in the 12-14mm range.

Because I go locally for the U/S and the information gets faxed to Syracuse to the Fertility Guru, they in FG's office are not actually seeing the U/S pictures, just the measurements. I usually hear from the FG's office in the afternoon, but I was barely at my desk this morning when my phone rang.

They are concerned with the lack of growth, and according to my blood work and my hormone levels, the follicles should be much bigger. "Can you come to Syracuse tomorrow so we can see for ourselves what's going on?"

So I get to skip foster care class and drive up to Syracuse for a 9:15 appointment. I have no idea what this means, if they will be scrapping this month or we'll continue with shots and wait for more growth or they'll go in for the two that are mature. Who knows? I've given up trying to guess on what I know from past cycles. We've already determined that this month is nothing like any other cycle.

Black and blue

Tomorrow night will be two weeks since I started this round of shots -- three sticks a night, including the new medicine which stings like a mother fucker. And the needle, even though it's only subcutaneous, is longer than the others. And I usually end up bleeding a little with that stick. And what that means is this...

This week the follicle are continuing to grow, but they're taking their own sweet time. I thought for sure today (and thought the same thing on Monday) that this would be it, it would be time to start preparing for the retrieval. This morning, I had two that were 20mm (that's the magic number) but they want to give the others more time to grow since they are only in the 12 to 14mm range. So two more nights of injections, and more blood work (my arm is bruised, as well) and another ultrasound on Friday.

Maybe retrieval on Monday or Tuesday?

My Last Day at 38

Happy birthday (almost) to me. I like to think of my birthday as my New Year's. It's a time to be reflective, it's a time to think about the last year, and a time to think about the coming year and all I want to accomplish.

Same as last year -- I've spent the past year focusing on trying to get pregnant. And same as last year -- I will spend the next year focusing on much of the same. Although the difference is, by the time my 40th birthday rolls around, I will know one way or another....I will have a baby of my own, or I will be working on adopting.

And by the time my 40th birthday rolls around (unless I've just given birth in the past few months), I want to be back in my skinny clothes. I want to get rid of this pudgy stomach and muffin top. I want to look the way I used to in a pair of jeans.

And I hope that by the time my 40th birthday rolls around, I will be happy turning 40, that I will accept 40 with grace, honor and happiness.

Having accomplished at least one of the goals above will go a long way in helping me meet 40 with these virtues.

And we keep going....

I had an ultrasound this morning. The missing follicles are still missing -- either the egg released (that's U/S tech's best guess) or it just disintegrated or got smaller (my guess) -- but there are seven total. Most are in the 10-11mm range.

The tech pissed me off, because even after telling me that she was sure the eggs must have released and I told her my blood levels were nowhere near ovulatory, she said, well, I don't know that they're going to tell you, probably will have you scrap this month.

So that was my mood all morning. Worrying about another month going by, wondering why my body isn't responding to the meds the way it has in the past, and especially since I'm on more than usual. And then the doctor's office called me why I was in "stitch and bitch" (a group of ladies brings their knitting and I bring my quilting, and we stitch and bitch during lunch on Fridays) to tell me to keep going with the same doses and go back in on Monday for another follicle check.

So we're still going. I'm bloated as all hell, but I keep telling myself it will be worth it. It's good practice to look four months pregnant even when I'm not, right?

The Yankees are on at 4:10 today, so my goal for the gym while I watch the game is four miles in under 50 minutes.

Missing Follicles

I went this morning for a follicle check, and where there were two big ones on Monday, they were missing today. Or smaller. I didn't exactly get the full story, mostly because everyone was perplexed, and apparently had never seen anything like this.

My blood work indicates that I did not ovulate, so I don't have to worry about that, but it is still weird that they aren't there any more. The doctor's office told me to continue with my shots (my stomach looks like a pin cushion, with lots of little red dots where the injections have gone in) and another follicle check on Friday, and we'll see where we are then.

I'm trying not to stress about it, but it's hard. Just once, just once, I would like this to all go routine. I ended up calling my friend April at the end of the day, because I knew she would understand what I'm feeling without me even having to put it into words. She's going through a similar thing and it's just good to hear her voice sometimes.

I also had my home study with DSS tonight. I'm guessing I passed, but she warned me that she wanted me to be realistic and know that the likelihood of being able to adopt a baby (0-2 years) through the system were slim. I know that, but I can't ignore this as an option.

Happy Opening Day!

Life begins on opening day. I'm a little nostalgic for Baltimore today. And I would have been there if I didn't have a doctor's appointment this morning. Baby making takes precedence, even over the Yankees.

I had a follicle check and they were huge after only four days on the meds. I guess that second stimulant has been working. I had six follicles all together -- two in the low teens (in mm) and the rest between 5 and 10mm (18-20 is mature). So I'm just about halfway there.

I'll continue on my same dosage and go again on Wednesday for more blood work and another ultrasound. At this rate, I could have retrieval at the end of the week or on my birthday next Monday.

I'll take it as a good sign.

Foster Care Class, Revisited

I finished week 5 of 11 this morning. It seems to be getting easier. Last week, I stayed after class and spoke with the social workers, sharing my feelings about not having sympathy for the birth parents. They didn't seem to mind, especially given that I want to adopt and won't have to work in partnership with the parents on reunifying the family.

So having had that conversation, going into class this morning was much easier. I even opened up to the class about it when it was appropriate in the conversation. My voice quivered, my eyes watered, but everyone seemed really supportive.

Some people have dropped out and I like the core group of people that we have left. My favorites -- Jason and Jason, a gay couple who are looking to do foster care but eventually want to adopt; Terry and Jennifer, another gay couple, who after my disclosure about my infertility struggles, shared that they had been trying to get pregnant as well and want to adopt; and Rebecca and Mark, a middle-aged couple with teenagers, who seem like they would be the "cool" parents.

I feel a new freedom about it, not worrying about the feelings I have towards the birth parents, worrying that this is a waste of everyone's time for me to be there, worrying about this and that. Today, I didn't worry, and I was back to myself, back to making comments and sharing, joining in, even volunteering for one of the activities.

And even if I don't need to have my baby this way -- the hormones have already bloated me up to a four-months-pregnant belly...I'll take it, it means they are working -- I'm learning good parenting skills, I being exposed to lots of things that I might not otherwise be exposed to, and learning is always a good thing.